The battle field is in the mind. We all need to check how we think against what shows up. If we dont like what showed up, we keep going until we obtain it, or come to a higher knowledge of why so we can alter our course. As we share and listen, uninhibited and fresh new perspective begins to emerge from the ashes of what naively once was.
Monsters in the mind fight to keep you from it and in the process make you strong for the day when you obtain it. Misunderstandings make us stronger. As we faint not in our well doing of sharing our own sides we become educated about another's view and if wise we can tuck their truths within and be wiser.
I know my perspective well. As my Mama knows hers well. What I work to do is break the silence between us as Mama and daughter and to engage in honest open safe because we are only speaking words until we come to a place of understanding of the other person view.
I have been practicing honest communication here to show you my whole side. And you are damn right. My stories is horrendous. But I've come full Circle. Mama. I've overcome is what I am saying. That is what this is all about.
My side of the story. You don't get to write my side. Not correct it. I only wanted you to know Gods grace. For God lead me through that life without you.
I held onto your soul and spirit like hell. I never let go of your hand in spirit. I knew this was what we had to do. But I did not have to like it all. And the part where I live without you sucked. Still does.
Have we not learned of Christ love and forgiveness? Should you not know what I forgave you of? Should you not know to the depths that I climbed out? Of the place you left me?
Babies hear it all Mama. I felt it all while within you. I know. I refuse to believe you don't care. I believe you do. Or you would not be so upset with me showing you what I went through.
But this is it. I came back anyway. Don't you see? I went through it all. Did my best. You were not their to guide me. And I held on to you and never let go. And prayed about it.
And followed God back to you even though I was so scared you would do me this way again. And you did. And I lived through it and still love ya. I may not be happy about it. But what does love do Mama?
Would I be a good daughter if I didn't tell you where it hurt? So you could maybe kiss it and give me a hug? Is that to much to ask? Are you unable to tell the story once? I'll buy the champagne if you need it? And Kleenex?
We need a heart to heart. I'm going to Vegas in December for Americas got Talent. I want you on my team. I saved a place for you in my life. Just claim it for god sake. It's driving me crazy already. Can't you see?
I'm the badass part of you that you got Ahmed of long ago, I've come back to remind you how beautiful that side of you is Mama. You're beautiful. Our actions do not always get us what we think they will. And sometimes they hurt people and ourselves. But, I know you didn't mean it. Cuz I knew the heart I held onto.
But it's time for a new fairytale to begin. Where we live happily ever after. Are you saying we are dull that we can't do that? I've spilled my guts. That's not easy? Having to face your reactions? Not easy at all.
But to show up. And be brave and tell your Mama a truth that hurt us both, out loud? Takes God. It's takes trusting that force outside and inside me, knowing God had and has a plan.
Many Adoptees don't make it this far. Being able to love both and work through the bullshit and pain. They associate the pain with the adoptive parents and reject them all together.
That shows me how strong the bond is to our families and Mama's. I work for true reuniting, in power and in truth. And to purge myself and my Mama's and family of the old way of thinking separately can go and so a new better situation can grow.
I speak so if they want. If they care. They will begin to tell me their truths so we can do this job of getting to know one another truly and get on and be the family that we truly are. We are only separated by paper, words in ink and promises that are now broken by my voice.
I do have a right to ask for what I would like from my Mama's, both of them. I feel they both are very up to the task, besides. Mama Jean's already gotten to know many parts of you. I've tested her well. She's solid as a rock.
Do not families have dirt? And do not families love each other anyway? Do we not forgive? And all try harder? If not? We should. And knowing someone has dirt and not cleaning it up or Helping is a shame. What I mean is.
I know we had dirt. Their was a misunderstanding between us long ago. I came to love you. But you gotta let me be me. And you be you and we will work it out naturally. Like we would have long ago. Ok?
I know. I hit you hard. But. What are children for? I'm a person with feelings. I was the day I was born. And being adopted hurt. And I did not know any better. It's just how I felt. Still do. It hurt. It confused me.
I know. You did not intent that. But I have to tell you the truth. How can we build on the sinking sand of a lie? Our relationship has been on sinking sand since the day you left. The rock is how God wanted it. God sent me to you first.
There is a place always for you. Even if I am upset at you. It's only cuz I want you to understand. And that your tearing like this means you don't. That's you all don't.
This is what people get when one is open and one closes off for fear of what we don't know.
Talking never killed anyone. I've come twice to talk and all we did was yell. But I'll take it if I can be with you. But I think we can do better.