Excuse me for taking this hard

Like excuse me for getting upset my Mama
Didn't want me. Ok? Excuse me. Excuse me for wanting more. Excuse me for seeing better. Excuse me for. It just staying away. Excuse me for bursting your bubble and telling you my truth. Excuse me, for raining on your damn parade. You know, the one your in without me?
Excuse me for tapping you on the shoulder and for wanting maybe a second chance to be who I am today because of all of this that I have grappled with for years.

Excuse me for daring to come back to the one I came from yo ask her about her side, so I could have the story straight. Excuse me. But. That's it. There is no excuse for me, there is a reason I live. God. Created me. Within a woman who could give me away to another. And I kind of want to that chic. What's her story? It's must have been tough back then? I seem to remember some painful moments along our way. Before we parted. Angry moments. Angry is an easier energy to ward off sentiment and emotions such as Grief and mourning.
It hurt like hell Mama. I get it. And I am not angry at you per say. Except your stubbornness. I imagine my stubbornness angers you. And somewhere in the mess has got to be some gold.
What's all this about? If we don't have love that goes beyond the madness we think this is. I've found you. Like a needle in a haystack. God lead me straight, well, through the back door and back into that broken precious heart of yours. Ok. I get it. Just let me love you. Like I came here to do. Your in the equation. You get my love too. Let's forgive it. Both. All of it. Now you know my side of forgiveness. It was a long road. I was supposed to be a good surprise. I am a good surprise.
If your silences means I hit the nail on the head. Well then. I forgive it all. Stop beating yourself up. It's like you don't want me to like you to much? It's ok. I'm ready for when you really go. I've learned a lot about life. God takes care of my with caring people.
But I want to know you. All of you. Even about the crazy you that made me. She's fascinating to me.
Excuse me. But I have a philosophy I live by. Ask. They may say no. But they could say yes. And if you really want it. Keep asking. And most certainly pray and ask Gods will over it all. There is so much love in my heart for you. And it takes nothing away from anyone. I've got love for all of you and we just need to grow it.
We are different. So what? We can learn each other again. As far as god will let us. As long as we have.
I'm signed up to go to Americas Got Talent. Mama. I want you there. If you can. So what we are a couple of crazies. So what. There's time to go forward past this crazy whatever this is between us. Your big enough to forgive me for telling the truth and maybe blowing the lid off this struggle and showing Adoptees and Bio Mamas and Adoptive Parents and the world for that matter what it looks like. For real.
You can't fault me for being turned around, confused, uprooted, and feeling rejected, abandoned again by all this? Surely you can see what I am , and have been trying to show you?

You matter.
Even if you are angry at me.
You matter
I may not agree with you
But I respect you enough to tell you the truth as I see it, so you could adjust your thinking.
Excuse me for wanting some of your time. And care. Excuse me for wanting to know you all better than we have been. For wanting you all to love me as my weird self. Evidently you all think I am weird. I don't imagine cool people get blocked.

Well. My hopes my dreams. My pain my anticipations. Twisted and bent the life of an adoptee trying to cut away at the lies between her Mama and she to obtain the closure to their old story, so that they can begin anew.

Good psychology.

God bless.

My love is rare

If I love you I give my all
If I love you I bare all
And stand naked for you to see
All of me
I do not hide my scars
To make others feel comfort where the scars show there has been discomfort
I am a warrior
For a cause most dear
I came to love two woman first
To win there hearts first
To win there trust and to be loyal to
Both
This has been my task
I am proud to be a woman now of two woman's efforts.
There are many I owe gratitude too
But I speak of these two now.
They are at the core of who I am today
I am finding my way.
As best I can
You can see some of my challenges
It's intense to look at
I cringe at times
There is so much to say, so much to do, so much time has passed
I k ow my heart wants better for us all
When, lord, will they see? Hear? And respond?
We must do better.
I wish too
My love is here
Beyond what's in the way
Just reach for it
This kind of love is rare.

Good night.

Well. If this doesn’t work.

I guess my Mama and I will meet in the by and by? Right now she seems to not be able to see the Forrest for the trees and visa versa. That's Adoption for ya. It Puts you in another persons box. And afterwards. After you grow up like your Mama wanted you too? There is no reward. No pay off. No Mama.

  • I mean I got to the point of watch my Mama dangled over there behind the sister curtain and thought to myself?" She's right there?" I think to myself, "I just need to get through all this stuff between us". There are years between us, and what Adoption said in the 60's is definitely between us, and then there's what I experienced that doesn't match what Adoption said, there is my Mama's guilt and shame that seems to be between us, and there is what my kids said to clear up, there is what strangers said, and finally, but not all, there is my feelings about it, and they are still are very strong to forge ahead and keep going. I keep going, chiseling away at the lies that keep my Mama from me.
  • I just know in my heart this is all a mistake. She loves me. What Mama doesn't love her child? Not mine? She's such a nice lady? She's a Christian. She helps people. Why won't she help me? Like all I want it time and a story. I wish to get into her inner circle. I wish to earn her trust. My truth is my bond. It may be ugly to you now, but it is my highest gift to show my loyalty. I've been loyal. To them both. My Mama's. I have done my best to keep showing up and doing my best.
  • I guess my Mama changed A lot since I knew her. She's so uptight and if it's not scripture go away. It's hard building a case like mine when your up against what the authorities said back then? It's hard doing it by yourself. I've asked my family for help. Yep. I have. I've talked to my kids and asked them to help me do better. But they are to busy living. And they don't care about me and my Mama.
  • I wonder why my Mama can't see my good side in my baby she loves so much? She came from me? And was raised by me? Like that's what Adoption does. Takes your credit awAy. It's like your some ghost. It's kind of like Chelsie's me. And my Mama likes her. But not me? Sounds crazy. I know. It's like I am some trash can for her to throw all the family garbage into and if I open my lid, I smell and they don't like that. And I don't even get to say I don't like it?
  • It's like my whole family is having fun with her and I have to watch outside the window. Silly. She's just a woman. Why does she mean so much to me? She's my Mama, that's why.
  • I figured that my sisters would fill me in, wrong. I figured we would learn together. Wrong. I represent a part of my Mama's life she would just rather not talk about. Shhhhhh. Don't speak of me, it will upset her. And I feel like, she's been upset for years guys. She gave her baby away. And that's hard. Maybe she should talk about it. And maybe we should support her in being ok and working through it all?

It's hard to do the family math without all of the numbers. Call me crazy. I feel that if she could articulate it to me, that she would feel a lot better. I'm the one who needs to hear about it. It's our story. My sisters have lived with the woman beyond relinquishment and the story. And they love her too. I get that. They must think I am hurtin her. But what I see is that she's hurt already but no one can see it. But me. The one who shared that pain with her. I drank the cup with her. She gave her cups to me, but I woke up from the poison. She hasn't. And I'm trying to wake her up.

Lord. I pray for my sisters. I pray this prayer. I pray that all the thoughts they have about me will be cleared up. I ask that you send angels to them all. I pray those angels will speak the words that clear my name. I ask that you bind the words and thoughts about me that are not for the glory of god. I ask that gran gran and gramma rough would send signs to them. To show them the way back to family. Amen.

This life makes me looks crazy. Adoption makes me look crazy. Not many hold on to their Mama's like me.

https://youtu.be/DVXq31F5r9k

Dear Lord, it’s me again.

Dear Lord.

It's me again. I know. Thanks for listening. I just don't know what to do? Why did you send me to a woman that would not want me? Why did she give me away? And why have I struggled with that decision for my whole
Life?

  1. Lord? She loves you? But she can't love me? Why? Why do some Mama's not want the children you send to them?
  2. Lord? Why did you make a mistake in where you sent me? Why did you send me to her first? What's the point of that? You are the alpha and omega? The beginning and the end. What gives lord?
  3. Lord? I'm tired of living this way. Can you help me? Or can you take this Burden away?

I want your yoke. Cuz your burden is light. I'm tired. Ive told my truth. And I've worked to Do good. And I've Tried to not be weary of my well doing and am waiting to reap. But maybe I won't reap here. I miss you too. Being with you and knowing I am loved by you does make it better.
Lord? I give my Mama to you. She's broken and she doesn't get me? Not sure why you brought me her for this? I'm trying to Find all the silver I can in this shit pile?
Kind of strange. We throw Shit on the garden and it grows. And when you tell your shit, you get blocked. My shit is hot like manure. I'm trying to tone it down. But again. I'm tired and nothing works with my Mama. She can't see me. Can you help me? Get over my Mama? Please.