To look into my Mama Linda’s home is to look into the world of the woman I came from. So filled with memories. Why would she think I could forget someone like this? Her house is spun together with carefully placed items which hold memories she loves to see and remember.
One piece is new. The duck dish I bought her to go with her collection. We faught that time. But I wouldn’t take back fighting with my Mama, if all she wants to do it fight? I’ll fight till I die, just to be with her, and be the one who faught for her, the one my flesh came from.
If loving her like this is crazy? Certify it. Cuz I’m not backing down on this one. I’ve waited to long to let it all out. She worth this crazy. Both my Mamas are. Mama Jean showed me my worth. And now I show my Mama her worth to this orphaned child of hers that so longs for her love as well. For her to be proud of holding this all in so long. For working so hard to be a good daughter to Mama jean for her. So maybe she will see my worth?
Worth is a lot to a little girl growing up. And Mama jean worked hard to show me my worth even though I felt worthless many times. I was unable to see my worth becasue my Mama didn’t see my worth. My first Mama. The first woman I fell in love with who left so long ago. I surely must be broken is how I felt.
And it’s sad when you tell your Mama what you held in so long, and she winces and blocks herself again from you. It hurts like hell. But the truth needed to be told. And by her reactions, she saw how hard my truth was for a baby to withstand. The kick and sting of her ownMamas boot. That’s how it felt. No one could tell me how to feel you see?
People can tell me what my name is as a baby. People can move me to another family as a baby. People can say it was a good thing my Mama left me. We can argue all day about it. But you can not lie about a feeling you see. A heart wrenching, breath taking, mind numbing, crippling, devastating pain of the loss of your Mama. Nothing can stand up against that feeling I felt so long ago. So shoot me for taking the time to tell the woman I love, how it felt without her. Ok?
I was already shot in the head at birth. Blunt force trauma to my brain when she left me. And it took me this long to wake up and name the pain that haunted me for so long and made me so depressed at times and was so disruptive to my life. Grief. Loss. Hung around my neck like a badge I wore becasue my Mama regifted her gift and didn’t even open me?
That’s how it felt growing up. All mixed up inside. So many miscommunications. So many misunderstandings. Growing up your Mama’s shame child. And to face her. And see it again has ripped me to the core. It all came blasting up. Our past. That surely needs a teadtessing for sure. Becasue I know she did not want me to feel like that. I see that.
So what went wrong? Or left? The only thing I see is that my Mama was lied to. And that my truth was the only thing that could break the spell of what she was told. And the truth would ripple her as it did me. But she would stand it. For she has held me here for so long. But I out grew the box. And my costumes don’t fit anymore.
I am grown up now. And need not keep playing this game. My Mama is right there in that video. Right there is the woman from whom hold cut me from. I will not give up on her. Not Mama Jean. I now see both of their worth. And to me it is equal now. I need them both and always have. One in the wings. And one front and center.
Both of them queens in their own right. Both exquisite and demur. Both loving and caring. The best way they knew how back them. But today is not then. We are no longer ignorant to the past. And we now can take what we learn and go forth as whole and wise humans from this experiment we call adoption.
My truth set us free to be who we are and always were. I am the daughter of two strong woman. Who owned their actions. But what my truth does is adds my chapter and my rights into the equation. I am grown and can say so now. I want you both and need you both in my life.
And daughters should be honest with their Mama’s. And so I have done that to the best of my ability, it was extremely hard. But I want respect. For telling such a truth before you all. Becasue it was not easy to be me, loving two woman. Following their footsteps to this freedom I speak of now.
To honor your Mama’s by showing them you saw the truth. Is my highest gift to them both. True blue. Honesty. Is not the easy way. Many are satisfied with the lie. As Gods child, I could no longer live the lie we were. So I outed us all. Here. So we could begin a new chapter. And it’s rough.
But we all survived now didn’t we?
Thanks for diving deep
God bless these words expressed from my heart. The heart of a daughter to her Mama’s. Who mean the world to me!