Oh Adoption. Why are you so cruel. 

I mean, adoption, I have served  you my whole life. Why did you have to brain wash my Mama’s into thinking that I would actually believe that I was only one Mothers child. 

Adoption, did you think I would just stay away from the Mama I came from? Why did you brain wash my Mamas into thinking this was it? You are a hard task master, Adoption. Why must I go on like this? 

You know, for years I’ve been like this. For years. But there come a time when nice is no longer fashionable. There come a time when the status quo must change. And there come a time when you must, as in my case, hear and see the truth of who your Mama see when she looks at you. And a Mama can’t lie. My Mama Linda has not lied to me about what she sees. Nope. 

But what she sees is the results of not having her to look to for truth in my life. Like, hard core truth about all that I have shared with all of you. And what I see is this. Adoption has altered me in some way. I am off center it would appear. What does one do when they are off center? They work to get centered. Who is the best person to help you with that? Your Mother. Hands down. She will not lie. She will show you her truth about you, the truth no one could tell me but her. 

So. I pumped her for all she was worth. And she. Yes she delivered the truth I needed to get myself back to center. Adoption is a mind fuck. I apologize for my foul language, but that word describes it best. And that is the truth I show my Mama Linda. It fucks with your head. And then it leaves you with a bag of poo to hold onto. And I really needed my Mamas help. How lever she could give it. And she did give it. To me, with both barrels. And I thank her for it. 

Blocked. That’s what Adoption did to me. It blocked me from moving forward becasue I never grieved my loss of Mama Linda. UNPROCESSED grief locks us into a space of pain and loss. My Mamas not dead. Ok? So, I picked myself up and I shared myself up. And I ran at her with full force. I hit her hard with my secret truth. That really only my kids see. 

And what I got was an honest reaction. A reaction to what I had held inside waiting for an honest acessment from the woman I came from. Adoptions upset us both is what I saw. My Mama was lied too is what I saw. See, without the truth to ground a person? We just free fall and float through life. Without truth to ground me, I just grew wild. And that’s ok. It’s how I was becasue of this and becasue of not having the truth. 

But Mama Linda did fine. She told it like she saw it. And her hard truth hit me like a brick to my mixed up head. And it’s grounded me in the knowing that I knew. The truth that adoption had this affect on me. And when I showed her, she reeled from the shock of it. Sad. They told her I would be fine. They said I would not remember here. Evidently they said back when I was born that I would remember a thing. 

But they, whomever they are, were dead wrong. And it’s not easy telling your Mama that. No. it’s not. I was raised to be polite and have manors. But when your Mama needs to know, you got to work up the courage to tell her. And once the cat was out of the bag? Well, it was wild. My truth riveted her lie, and cut it to the ground. 

All I wanted was my Mama to see what this did to me. And it hurt. I lived. Yes. But at the expense of my sanity, I lived a lie for her and it was damn hard. And that should count for something to her. Shouldn’t it? Shouldn’t what we adoptee do for our Mamas count when we come home? 

All I wanted was my Mamas accetence and maybe a little respect for insuring life without her. Becasue it’s damn hard. For me at least. And enduring my families Reaction to my hard earned truth was excruciating. 

I’ll live. True. I know how to suck it up. But what I see is we sucked up enough. It was time to educate. That is what this blogs about. Educating folks to what Adoption did to me. And maybe, we can figure out how to do better. 

Thanks for stopping by and your willingness to learn my truth. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s