That my Mama Linda will never be able to say I did not care about her now. She will go forward knowing, with the full force of my love that this baby girl remembered her. That my life was washed in her. That I gave a shit. And that I came all the way back to tell her so.
Whether she ever gets any other thing that the child she gave to another, never got over loosing her. Becasue in the loosing, it made me passionate about living this life that two woman worked so hard to make happen.
You know, not all plans go as we imagine. And Adoption really does not take into consideration the inner world of a child who has been removed from their family and what we feel about the separation from our roots.
If we look at nature, we would never come sister doing that to a tree. A tree cut off at the roots, dies. They have no system to nourish themselves and shrivel up. And I wonder. And have wondered why we do this thing to our children that Adoption supposedly is giving us. Graphed, no roots. And for me, struggling to survive in a world that did this to me.
Shit happens. I get it. This is not pout me. It’s just, ” Hey, this spun me out inthe head, stories are not always what really happened.” And I guess I thought that the least my Mama could do what tell why she did this to me? Like I think that is a honest question. But I may never hear that from my Mama Linda.
But, I go down swinging. So I told her what I thought. She either gives a shit or not. She’s either able to shift her stand and see that my world is not necessarily hers. I see her view. I e seem her view for years. But can she say that she gets, or sees my world? If it takes two to tango, we are missing a dancer here.
One thing about it is that I am ready to move forward, and if my family wants us to go down like this? Well, ok! Knock yourself out. But don’t say I didn’t give you a chance to strip up and be real. But you like it the way it is? Ok. Ok.
It would not be so bad if my Mama Linda got me. If she could see how Adoptions messed her baby up. And made it so hard to trust anything except God. But I guess maybe that was her message. Don’t trust anyone but God. Got it Mama Linda. I don’t even trust her now.
God can bring me who God wants. I let go of this old blanket for good. She can just fly free from me and the past I represent to her. She can live her life she created without me, leaving no room for my return. Ok. Got it.
And it’s so strange my Baby girl went with her. And I felt it hard. As she cut me off at my pockets, knowing full well what she was doing to me. But, well pain is no stranger to me for sure. So, it’s not like I was not ready for it, no one like separations. But they happen. It’s part of this life.
I know full well that life can turn you on your ear and twist you up and wring you out. Death and loss teach you about living. Make it count. Speak what you want folks to know, you may never get a chance to say it again.
One minute your riding around in safety, the next minute your thrown into chaos and no one will explain to you why. And you better not waste anytime asking why, cuz that’s just how it is and folks don’t want to go back and tell you. So suck it up girl and move your ass away from me with your mess I gave you.
One thing Mama Linda has seen is, I don’t give up easy. I may go grow up over here. But I’ll come find you later and ask you what happened? And that I except an adult answer. One thing she has seen is how strong willed I am. And how I ask for what I want. And that I give a shit about my family. Crazy is what this world is of Adoptions ideas and shit. Don’t blame me becasue I came back for her.
But some people like where they are. They can’t see better. Even though better is there, they just can not trust it. But her trying to shit me up and cram me into a box is just not ok with me.
If she wants me to stay over here out of her sight. And she like it like this. Well, don’t let me wreck the fun. I’m hurt. Damn right. But the truth is sinking in. I’ll be over it soon.
And writing here is really what helps me bleed all the stupid sappy shit out about my Mom. Time to grow up and move on from the grave of this woman I used to know who now lives within me. Maybe she’ll be encouraged to know I am strong enough to make it without her.
I hope other Adoptees don’t have it like this. That’s why I write. Reunions are hard to navigate. People say it’s like this or that. But each ones got a life of their own. Many Moms can’t go back. They lack the understanding needed. They lack the knowledge that it a good thing and takes lots of care.
I think I’m don’t trying. I was raised an only child. I don’t know what it’s like being a sister or brother to all these people and I am obviously to old for them to teach me. I think I’ve been out in Mama Jeans wild garden growing over here to long, they don’t get me.
I think my siblings on my Dads side do. But trying to get pictures and stuff is so hard. How do you smash for things that matter when folks don’t think it should? When they tell you to move on without all that is yours by birth right? But adoptions taken my birth right way. I don’t have shit to stand on these days with my family.
I guess I am like the beggar Mama Jean said I was. I don’t got no post to piss in. Forget your heritage! Forget your Mama! Forget your kin. Move on little girl. Move along. You ain’t wanted here no more, you wore out what you though was a welcome home.
Home does not exist. Not here at least.