I wonder what folks get out of readin this blog. 

I wonder if folks get anything out of this blog. I wonder what folks find when they come here? Is it jus a pile of pain? Unintelligible and misunderstood? Am I just a lunatic blabbing to myself here, to hear or read my own words? 

I wonder what the affect of my words are on my readers. I wish for it to be of help. Maybe a voice in the dark saying, “yes, it hurt” ” “I missed my family too.” “You’re not alone”, ” help is coming”, “I’m here and this hurts”

The rules of this adoption game seem very restrictive and binding. Especially for me an Adoptee. I was not of age when relinquished and my opinion was not asked. My consent was not asked. What Good is a birth right if you can not stand on it? And how come man can change a persons brithright? How come a child can be cut off from her family, which is A child’s right by law. 

Convention for the rights of the child says, 

The Convention obliges states to allow parents to exercise their parental responsibilities. The Convention also acknowledges that children have the right to express their opinions and to have those opinions heard and acted upon when appropriate, to be protected from abuse or exploitation, and to have their privacy protected, and it requires that their lives not be subject to excessive interference. 

This law is very broad for interpretation. I suggest adoptee man these committees and conventions and change it. 

The Convention deals with the child-specific needs and rights. It requires that the “nations that ratify this convention are bound to it by international law”. Ratifying states must act in the best interests of the child. In all jurisdictions implementing the Convention requires compliance with child custody and guardianship laws as that every child has basic rights, including the right to life, to their own name and identity, to be raised by their parents within a family or cultural grouping, and to have a relationship with both parents, even if they are separated.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Convention_on_the_Rights_of_the_Child

I am voicing my opinion, a right for stated, after 54 years. My rights were violated. Well meaning, adoption took my rights away and placed my Mothers rights above mine. My Name was Stephanie before it was Belinda. Which name is mine? I was not raised by my parents. And was cut off from access to them for 30 years, a violated right mentioned above that is mine.  After 54 years I still am trying to have an honest relationship with my family. 

Is it a right of the family to abannodon their kin? Is it ok for them to deny me access to what is rightfully mine by this law? 

What is excessive interference? Adoption sure looks like excessive human interference to me? I was removed from my family. And my Mother was supported in doing so and also encouraged by the governmentto do so. She was not supported to keep me? She was told Adoption was best. Many agree. I do not agree. 

I will say here , my Geandmother Margaret Roush did not agree with my Mothers decision to adopt me out. She told me that fact to my face, and said she did not want my Mama to do that.  And that she was happy I was back. 

I was thrown into a mental talespin at birth. Went home with a stranger I had never heard of. Her voice was strange. And yet kind. But she was not the woman who carried me. And I was heart broken at the loss of that woman, and told no one my deepest pain for years. A person can only deny for so long, you see. Or at least in my case. It was killing me to keep it in. 

My truth calls it like it is. I saw it all. I felt it even more as the child incased within this adoption paradigm my Mothers cloaked and hid me in. Safe, from God knows what?  It’s so hard to express these feelings. There is so much at stack. I don’t say this to hurt anyone. I just need to show you what hurt me and why. So we can do better by the children who grow into adults that influence the world. Our lives matter. And our families matter, long after the ink has dried on the paper that separates us from them. 

There is nothing wrong with Mama Jean or Mama Linda persay? They are just out of date about what it is like for me.  I felt Pulled by two worlds. And I’m Just trying to tie the knot, forever, like it is. Bound. Souls bound together by a child. Written and ink dried.  Or for me that is.

 I won’t talk for you. But look at these rights here? Up there. It’s sounds nice. But was it upheld? Or is it open for Interpretaions? It would seem it is? Open for anyone to say this or that. For woman to choose to not or to. And the world seems to agree with them? They can just tap out when the going gets rough.  And no one will step in and stand up for them? And they just move on with no consequence or having to face what their actions truly did and to know they were lied too. Ok. Lied too. 

That’s one thing I have learned being adopted. Some woman, like Mama Jean, pick up the pile of a child of another who was down on her luck and looking at a bleak outcome ahead. and do their best to fill the shoes of another woman who is gone, or out to lunch. She can stand up and show her the worth of her child by raising it the best she can considering she never met her Mother. Becasue she feels I was a gift from God someone surely did not see the worth in. And she knows she not my Mama Linda. But she’s a hell of a Mama Jean. And a hell of a Christian in my acessment. And she got me this far. 

Let me interject right here. This all looks crazy. It sounds and reads crazy. I can clearly see that. Crazy people don’t know they are crazy, nor do they admit that what they say or express is crazy. I do see the madness. And that is what this blog is here to illustrate. Adoption is crazy. A crazy idea with holes all in its structure that just don’t add up to full success. Ok? 

Success would look like, babies stay with Mama’s. Folks support that. Children grow up with atonomy. And roots. And the world is a stronger place because it. Success would like Ruth and Naomi. Ruth gave her a child she made, but stayed in their life. It can be done. 

Success would look like agencies that teach about motherhood from Birth. Sex without penetration. Classes in school about relationships and how to be healthy. How about we teach sexuality open face! In your face. Learning. How about we get past the sex thing? Knowledge is power. Why doesn’t every child know about it? What good is fighting the way we are? Let’s harness it. We are sexual beings! How about Communities raising young men and woman to respect one another, by respecting them and treating them like adults in training!! For God sake that’s what we are! Is this as good as we can do? 

How about Society taking an active role in teaching young people the truth about life. And a society that educate itself and is honest and real. How about folks telling where they missed it. So we all can learn!  I’ll take a real Person over a fake one any day. I won’t hate the fake one. But I just won’t take them. It’s like homemade ranch or from a bottle. The choice is clear. Once you’ve tasted the homemade, you can’t go back. Real is honest and grounded. 

I am sad that society has not seen this road before or explored this road to achieve lasting unity. Are we lazy? Is it to hard to change things so everyone’s happy? Even the kids who’s lives have been torn apart and auction off the anyone, like a hot potato? 

My opinion does not change my circumstance? But it changes my mind about being silent and letting the status quo stay the same. I do not say these things to spit in mama Jeans face, nor Mama Linda’s face at all. I appreciate what they did for me. I’m here and alive. Ok. But is that all we come here for? To just take whatever is thrown at us? And not want better if we can see better can be? If we have not lived it and can see what would have made it better? 

It makes me sad my Mama Linda is not proud of me for being honest in front of all of you. It’s hard to bare your soul on here knowing all can read and judge you. I am sad she is taking so long to wake up to how much I care and love her. I am sad Mama Jean has ever felt rejected, I am sad her children died. They made room for me, my Mama was not gonna want me.  I went against my nature to love her. I want her life to be the best. And want her to be honored for her sacrifice for me. But what honor is in a lie? The jig is up. Our roles have changed and the costumes don’t match. Change is here Mama’s 

And I lied to myself and my Mamas before I came clean with what was up. I truly did not want to go this way. But they seemed to lack the content to understand my point of view. So I had to tell them what I felt. I had to find the words. And it took me 50+ years to muster the courage up to do so. ( the truth is we can make it better, but we must begin, meaning we all must begin to speak truth so folks are not off track with each other) at some point in a card game, we all must show our cards. 

I’m like a switchboard operator with so many undelivered messages. Messages I held inside for someone I loved and always remembered. Her scent still in my nostrils. Her voice an echo inside my brain. Messages I edited out because I feared the very thing that has happened, and becasue I never want Mama Jean to feel rejected either.  Fear kept me silently living a lie. Alone without both my Moms, and us all so out of date. It’s like a damn broke in me, a damn that kept it all back or down. And I could not close or fix it. I had no power left to hold it in. And no matter what I did, I came gushing out without any way of controlling it. It was like I was full and had to spit it out. I really thought, I know, crazy, that Mama Linda would take it better. But. I was way off. She did not take adoption well either. And she needs love guys. She needs it bad. She need someone to love her enough to yell! At the front of the world! Ouch!! And to speak the words she can not. It hurt her so deep. So down deep. She can not express it to me. Only Anger is her shield now. 

But God sees her. And god showed me. Her pain and anxst. And sent me back to heal it. I am a warrior for my Mamas. And no one. No one is left behind. I have gathered all god has had my family give me and I have tucked it inside my heart. Always remembered and the stories told to my children, so they may tell theirs. 

One story they will tell is about me. And how I had two Mama’s. And how much I loved them. That I faught for them both. That I was honest above all else. And trust God even when it looked like a crazy idea to do this. But that in the end. I won. And that we all won. 

When something is broken. It’s always stronger after its grown back together. And our family is stronger for this experience. Pain has been our teacher. And we carry this cross with pride for the Christ we serve. Separated and yet we all serve God and each other’s highest good. 

Mama Jean is not telling me. But she’s taken it hard too. And it pains me that they two are. And that maybe they have not internalize it and realized, I took it all hard too. Me. A person. With feelings and her own way of seeing the world. I took it hard. It’s a hell of a way to grow up, it was sad both my Mamas lost something that I needed to replace.  It’s scary at times. It’s confusing all the time. It bewildering at best. It’s a way. But is it the best way? Is the sacrifice of a child so important to us? Still? 

I say when a woman does not want her child ask why? I say, support her in showing up for the job growing within her. It’s makes us better. I made Mama Jean better. Who says I am not making Mama Linda better for teaching her a thing or two about it? A few things Mama Jean taught me about it. 

Who says a woman on drugs can’t face her shit and learn to cook and clean and how to spend time with her child? Who says? Fuck them. I will not give up on a woman. She may try to give up on herself, but I will remind her. She can do this. It matters that they show up, be honest, and work to do better, even as we all instruct our children to do. 

Don’t give me that drug addict mentality. Ok? Cuz it’s so high school. So what! Help the woman! Why can we not help each other? We sit Sunday after Sunday and sing and listen to preachers preach. And yet we are unable to give to another what we all should get. Knowledge is power. Pass it on. No woman is really feeling trained, and ready if she backs out of Motherhood, she’s scared shitless. And feels unprepared for this. And society needs to get it right instead of left. Ok? We need to change our ways. It’s hurting the children that Christ said, “such is the kingdom of heaven.” Let us help woman with children. Let’s help each other. Men and woman alike. 

I write to heal. And shit goes in one way and come out another. I digested this meal and now poop it out. It took me 54 years to swallow and digest this pill called adoption. And it poisoned my soul to be so cut off from my roots. I wonder what God feels about it? 

If I was God, I would send a girl to earth and make her body so sensitive that she would feel everything and then I would show her the way to express it so folks would change.  That kind of seems like what’s up here. I’ve lived it. And God know my heart. And Gods call me to speak my truth. So we can have another look at it. 

Adoption is complex. Man thought it up. We are gods family and children. And need to remember to practice our lesson and teach them to the young. 

There is redemption here among this truth. We all can rise from this better and more educated. As each adoptee speaks their truth we are more and more aware. So speak. I’m here with you. I’m your sister in this world and stand her with my truth out. Find comfort in the fact that God sees all you have been though. Don’t give up the good fight. Help is on the way. Hang in their. 

God is on your side. Man is the one that’s out of it. You’re perfect the way you are. 

Thanks for coming by. Please tell me what you think. I need some feedback. Thanks. 

God bless. 

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