To look into my Mama Linda’s home is to look into the world of the woman I came from. So filled with memories. Why would she think I could forget someone like this? Her house is spun together with carefully placed items which hold memories she loves to see and remember.
One piece is new. The duck dish I bought her to go with her collection. We faught that time. But I wouldn’t take back fighting with my Mama, if all she wants to do it fight? I’ll fight till I die, just to be with her, and be the one who faught for her, the one my flesh came from.
If loving her like this is crazy? Certify it. Cuz I’m not backing down on this one. I’ve waited to long to let it all out. She worth this crazy. Both my Mamas are. Mama Jean showed me my worth. And now I show my Mama her worth to this orphaned child of hers that so longs for her love as well. For her to be proud of holding this all in so long. For working so hard to be a good daughter to Mama jean for her. So maybe she will see my worth?
Worth is a lot to a little girl growing up. And Mama jean worked hard to show me my worth even though I felt worthless many times. I was unable to see my worth becasue my Mama didn’t see my worth. My first Mama. The first woman I fell in love with who left so long ago. I surely must be broken is how I felt.
And it’s sad when you tell your Mama what you held in so long, and she winces and blocks herself again from you. It hurts like hell. But the truth needed to be told. And by her reactions, she saw how hard my truth was for a baby to withstand. The kick and sting of her ownMamas boot. That’s how it felt. No one could tell me how to feel you see?
People can tell me what my name is as a baby. People can move me to another family as a baby. People can say it was a good thing my Mama left me. We can argue all day about it. But you can not lie about a feeling you see. A heart wrenching, breath taking, mind numbing, crippling, devastating pain of the loss of your Mama. Nothing can stand up against that feeling I felt so long ago. So shoot me for taking the time to tell the woman I love, how it felt without her. Ok?
I was already shot in the head at birth. Blunt force trauma to my brain when she left me. And it took me this long to wake up and name the pain that haunted me for so long and made me so depressed at times and was so disruptive to my life. Grief. Loss. Hung around my neck like a badge I wore becasue my Mama regifted her gift and didn’t even open me?
That’s how it felt growing up. All mixed up inside. So many miscommunications. So many misunderstandings. Growing up your Mama’s shame child. And to face her. And see it again has ripped me to the core. It all came blasting up. Our past. That surely needs a teadtessing for sure. Becasue I know she did not want me to feel like that. I see that.
So what went wrong? Or left? The only thing I see is that my Mama was lied to. And that my truth was the only thing that could break the spell of what she was told. And the truth would ripple her as it did me. But she would stand it. For she has held me here for so long. But I out grew the box. And my costumes don’t fit anymore.
I am grown up now. And need not keep playing this game. My Mama is right there in that video. Right there is the woman from whom hold cut me from. I will not give up on her. Not Mama Jean. I now see both of their worth. And to me it is equal now. I need them both and always have. One in the wings. And one front and center.
Both of them queens in their own right. Both exquisite and demur. Both loving and caring. The best way they knew how back them. But today is not then. We are no longer ignorant to the past. And we now can take what we learn and go forth as whole and wise humans from this experiment we call adoption.
My truth set us free to be who we are and always were. I am the daughter of two strong woman. Who owned their actions. But what my truth does is adds my chapter and my rights into the equation. I am grown and can say so now. I want you both and need you both in my life.
And daughters should be honest with their Mama’s. And so I have done that to the best of my ability, it was extremely hard. But I want respect. For telling such a truth before you all. Becasue it was not easy to be me, loving two woman. Following their footsteps to this freedom I speak of now.
To honor your Mama’s by showing them you saw the truth. Is my highest gift to them both. True blue. Honesty. Is not the easy way. Many are satisfied with the lie. As Gods child, I could no longer live the lie we were. So I outed us all. Here. So we could begin a new chapter. And it’s rough.
But we all survived now didn’t we?
Thanks for diving deep
God bless these words expressed from my heart. The heart of a daughter to her Mama’s. Who mean the world to me!
The more I hear it!! The more fuel God gives me.
I am Linda Marie Browns daughter!!
The woman I found is not her. I really don’t appreciate folks telling her all this shit about me that’s not even true. Like I struggle to even be heard. Those lies drown out my cry. Adoption has grown over her ears and fills her head with so many lie potatos she can’t hear me, her child calling for her.
My Mama’s so turned around about what this really feels like from her daughters perspective. Her ears filled with lies for the devil himself, keeping us apart. Is God the author of this I ask?
A daughter wishes to come home. Would God tell her to block me? I mean the deed is done. But my Mama. Not yours. But my Mama wants to not know me is what it looks like to me? I pray I am wrong. I pray she is will wake up and come to her real live natural Mama senses and pick up the phone in her heart and answer my call.
Why is that so much to ask? Have I not paid enough for daring to be born from parents that lacked their proper documentation and licensing to conceive. My parents did what everyone else did, but lacked their paper trail to say it was ok. So, my Mama had to dump me off. That’s what I see. From my limited perspective.
My perspective is limited by the fact that my own Mama has not told me the whole story. Evidently Adoption’s a cat and it’s got my Mama’s tongue. And I am trying to loose that tongue so I can have her back.
Adoption highjacked her from me. Adoption talked her into this fairytale gone wild. Adoption holds her mind captive in its sweet story of happy ever after, without me. Adoption told my sisters I was a stranger. Adoptions kept my nieces and nephews at bay too, telling my family lies to keep them from me.
Adoption has rewritten a history God wrote. Adoption separated me from my tribe. Adoption is nothing more than legalized parental divorce without my consent. Adoption is cruel to the children it’s supposed to be serving.
Adoption causes PTSD, anxiety, confusion, separation anxiety, trauma, disruptions of well being, trapped grief becasue there is no one to talk about your loss of your Mama, becasue no one sees an issue, and children should be seen and not heard, frustration and anger at a world that could do this to me, frustration for the child who wants to go home and be loved by the one who they were sent to first, but Adoption had a better way? Or did Adoption?
Adoptions caused My Mama to go on Mother daughter weekends and not to invite me. It’s makes my Mama block my emails and her to drive right by my town, it causes her to call me miles away out of guilt for not stopping, to say she can’t find her way to my home, it causes me to drive to her, just for a moment of her time.
Adoptions caused her to think I am crazy. Not adoption. Adoptions cool and got her shit together. Adoption doesn’t cause problems for the children adoptions helping. No. not Adoption.
Adoptions caused my family to disown me. My sisters to be disinterested in me. My cousin yo tell me I messed the family up. I caused all the problems, not adoption. She’s cool.
Adoptions caused my kids to struggle to figure out what family means. As they look at others who kept all their kids, and see they don’t act like this family Adoption created. Adoption has cut me off from my root system. Adoption has lied to us all. Adoption in 1963 sucks. Because my Mama lives, And she wanted nothing to do with me becasue of Adoption.
Adoption has made a big mess. Cutting us all up and throwing us all around. For what? A baby’s who showed up at an inconvenient time.
Thank you Mother Mary for not doing Jesus like that. I imagine it was so hard for you. You were so brave to lsisten to God and keep your baby named Jesus.
Would if she had not obeyed? Would if she had allowed fear of what folks would say to her take hold? Would Jesus have still hung on the cross we all wear around our necks? Would we have christmas, and would we even have a chance? If Mary had let fear sway her mind and talked her out of what God said?
I imagine these days, Mary, would have been put away for such talk. She would today, be called crazy for listening to the voice of God. She would have been locked up and her baby Jesus would have been adopted or put into foster care. There would be no savor, no Easter, no christmas, no redemption.
I want my Mama back. I want all these lies exposed for what they are. I want my Mama to heal, so we can be together.
New International Version
Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
I do as God says here. I stand and knock. It’s been 24 years. So I am now pounding. But Adoption has my family held captive and is not letting them hear me.
Lord, please, today. Touch my families hearts. Soften them. I ask and appeal for you to change their hearts. I ask for healing and restoration. Amen.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.
What Adoptees Mama’s need to know is that we may be made from our Dads, but we are not our fathers. And that just becasue we came from another woman, does not lesson anything. In fact it expands it. We now love more than one woman and will always. My Mama has a bad opinion of me becasue she has a bad opinion of my Dad and what happened becasue of loving him. So sad. To see your Mama act that way.
I am my Mamas’ defender. Both of them. But truth is truth. And how can I even write here without my truth from it all. They had reviews too. This adoption experiment was ours. Each has its own variables. But what I see is that we the children always love our first Mamas.
What child would risk the life she has for hate sake? Do I war with my first Mama? Hell no, I don’t. I war with those thoughts that are controlling her mind. The ones that keep her acting like this. What Mama acts like that? Adoptee Mama’s, that’s who. They get told some stories I’ll tell ya! My Mama got told a bunch of shit that’s got her pour mind spinning from the truth that hit her thoughts with the full force the Bible preaches about. She’s been lit up with the light of my truth. Now, all she does is hold onto the lie. That’s what I am working on. The lies.
That’s what I am trying to clear up by speaking out. When she finally gets what I am saying? She’s gonna be thanking me for caring enough to not leave her ignorant. It’s a tough pill to swallow. Yes. Mama Jeans had to swallow that pill since day one. I was a handful. And no instructions or medical history made it hard to figure out what was up with me completely.
Mama Linda needs to know the price Mama jean paid to stand in for her. But I always knew my Mama walked away and Mama Jean stood in for her. You really can’t take a person place in another, but you can make another place within your heart for the one who shows up. Yes. She has her place within this woman I am. And she will forever be their. Her love forged a strong place within me.
It is that love she gave me, that compels me to write here. Her love for Linda in me. Her faithfulness to us both. Her willingness to make sure my Mamas perceived mistake would know she was wanted and needed and care for. Which shows she cared for my Mama as well. So pure. A love. Worth recognizing. But how can we see the under lying story, until we let go of the old lines and read the full story with all parts present at last.
But if I am to follow the leadership of the woman my Mama gave me too? I must be honest. Being adopted is like living in a maze. You know your parents are not the parents you came from and you know a journey back is inevitable and needed for your family story to truly make sense to those who will follow your footsteps.
I need the full story for my Children’s children to tell. Of the woman who journeyed back becasue the one who raised her, raised her to go back and show her the love she was given, by a stranger I call Mom. And that kind of love is worth knowing. And my Mama needed a woman like Mama Jean in her life. And God delivered. Praise god. God delivered.
Not becasue my Mamas lacking? But becasue she needed Mama Jean in 63 and she came and did the job she could not. I mean she can go on. But to pass up a blessing like this is precisely why I say Adoptions a mess. Who can’t use another friend? Who denies such a friendship that has lasted 54 years! this friend has been around ever since my Mama said goodbye to me? Sending me to bless her life? And I do bless her life.
Of course Mama Jean would expect Mama Linda to see theblessing in me? She made it possible for Mama Jean to be a Mama? Didn’t she? And to be so shocked to hear all that Mama Linda has said about her baby? Oh my! Oh no! No!
Now we have an appreciations problem here. And a lack of site of the truth that is under all we call adoption. My Mama has to wake up to that. Wake up to her friend who has learned all about her though me and so wishes and has not said, to meet her.
My intention here is to break down the walls Adoption has built Between us all. Like my poor Mamas was so lied to she fears for her life? Silliness. When something hurts!! Something hurts!! And it hurt me to have to live like this?? For them. My Mamas. Now I want my turn to have them together and they can’t seem to get it together? Seriously.
Yeah. Did t start this post about this. But. There is it. Teamwork. Family. Sisters. Mamas. Cousins. Brothers. Nephews. Aunts. Uncles. Together.
This situation is ludicrous. Seriously. Like my family can’t take my truth that I lived in silence? Hello. Read that again. Yeah. In silence. Until I got my courage up to tell my Mamas what hurt. I hurt so long, I had to take time to figure out what it was. Being split in two. Loving two woman is hard. If you love like I do? Hard. Passionate. Intense. And Faithfully.
And to understand why my fire is still hot? Is to know Mama Jean. She fueled my love for my Mama, by showing me her loving me, a piece of her. Mama Jean knit is back together with her love.
It was hard. I was so confused growing up. But she loved me anyway. Knowing one day I would see. And I do. I see how a stranger took me in, site unseen, did t even meet my Mama, she said yes. And my Mama needs a friend like that in her life. For sure. We all do. And my kids are so blessed to have these strong woman who made it through the sixties.
I am grateful. But life
Should not have to be so hard for kids to live. And Mama’s should tell their children the truth. I’ve heard some crazy truths out in the world about adoption. People saying my Mama didn’t love me. She didn’t care. Poppicock!! I will on believe that in this madness called adoption there is redemption. That a coming together as a whole unit is a worthy act of this family we are. Knit back together. I was given to another tribe. And now that tribe is part of my original tribe. This woman must be honored by my tribe. For her sacrifices and loving faithfulness by the woman who made me. Must. Happen.
As my Mama’s daughter. I demand it. As my birth right. My family must rise and bless her. We must make hast. No words unsaid. Nothing left loose. No regrets Mama. None.
My Mama’s are some cool woman who did this for me. The old is gone. The new story is here. Two woman came together to help me. They never met and are best friends.
What do you say? I think they need to meet. And embrace. As the friends they are. Who does such a thing? Raises a child from another as her own and teaches her to never forget the one she was made from? I’ll tell you who? Mama Jean. Yep.
That woman taught me how to go home. And knew she would loose nothing and gain the friend she made so long ago and never met. What greater gift can this woman give?
Mama Jean gave me so much love. How could I not come Home to share it with my family? Chelsie lynn got that love she shares with her Nana too.
Our family is blessed to have Mama Jean. And we must honor her. And my Mamas must meet. It’s the next step. It’s the right step.
Thank you for any comments.