She could own it. And learn. And she could choose to want to get to know the child she carried long ago. But. She hides. Well, she tries to hide. There is no hiding now, I’ve spilled the beans and opened Pandora’s box. And no one can shut the box up now.
My truth is out. And she’s taken it hard. Kind of like I did at 2 days old. And I mourn for her. She did not get better after I left. She just got worse.
Psychosis is a hard one. Reality is subjective to the person experiencing it. And my truth popped her bubble of whatever her deal is. And if she never comes around? Well at least I got it out. All that negative energy she carried me in was like a cloak that darkened my world.
Living, knowing your Mom did this to you is so hard. I held my head up high when kids teased me about her. And everyone wants us adoptees to be so grateful our Mamas passed the buck. I apologize Bio Moms if this pill is hard to take. Mine was hard to swallow too. In fact, it made me sick as a dog. Knowing my Mama was capable of turning her back on her own flesh.
And it very ingrained in her to run from trouble. Because she is still running and hiding from responsibility. So sad for us all. But my sisters have been spoon fed lies and options from a woman who did this to one of her own and they just can’t see, they could have been me. What is the saying?”But for the grace of God go I?”
I guess I’m the one with all the compassion? I still have hope though. I hope that God can get through to her and my siblings. But the flesh is weak. And the spirit is strong. I know this to be true. Because spirit has held me the whole way through my life. That is what I am grateful for. God did not do this to me. My Mama did. Her flesh was weak. She did not trust God. Theses days that is.
It seems she’s just a cardboard Christian. No depth, no empathy, no love for the child she left with a stranger that I now call Mom. Mama Jean may be strange? As my Bio Mama calls me crazy, she has called the stranger who raised her perceived mistake a lunatic.
Mama Jean gladly took what Mama Linda deemed as trash. I see that. But she could not take the place of the woman who bore me. She would have her own place, built by me, within my heart. Becasue she showed up when I needed someone to help me.
Mama Linda hid me from everyone. Even herself. And my truth, my return, blew that all out of the water for her. Not a good idea, to lie, or hide. For it is written, “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open” Luke 8:17.
And all I wanted was my story and the truth. I’ve still not gotten that and it sucks to not have all your shit. I want my birth story. However sad or Horrific it was. Seems like it was very traumatic. And the cats got her tongue these days?
These words may seal my coffin shut. My truth may cut me off forever. Becasue I was dead to her anyway. Now I’m just a ghost that haunts her it would seem. But this ghost will educate her as to what she really did to me. My Mama will not go down an ignorant idiot.
My truth could set her free. If she could get the courage up to face it. She could cut the act. And get real. We all have shit. I’ve had some. My kids show me. I learn and become better. Or work to with their truth to guide me. I’ve got a learning curve for sure. Mama Jean showed me how to hang on. Mama Linda showed me where I came from. Mama jean showed me where I need to go.
Stubbornness is a family trait it would seem. And Mama Jean had to work hard to teach me right. Watching her work so hard to be a good Mom showed me I needed to do the same to redeem my family sin. She wanted a child of her own. But her body would not let her. Well, my Dadss sperm would not let her.
But seeing her work so hard, showed me the value of a child. She showed me my value beyond what my own Mama’s assessment of me was. I faught with Mama Linda inside me. I faught to forget her. I faught to be the best daughter I could, considering.
And Mama Linda’s words and actions were a strong drink of poison on me. Mama Jean worked hard to heal it. Thank you mama Jean for teaching me about truth. Becasue in the end. I am set free. Free from my Mama Linda’s assessment. Free from her disdain. Her words that burned deep into my psyche have been released. I have given them back to the one who gave them to me.
Loyalty is not my Mama Linda’s strong suit. And her religions just a front to cover her cult and shame at doing such a thing. Her reaction to my truth told me everything I needed to see. What I felt was true. But no more. She can have that mess. I did not make that. I am not that mess.
I have made a stand at the exspence of a relationship I dreamed of for so long. But I am ok with that. I’ve lived this long without her crazy ass. I’ll live on without her. Since she can’t seem to show up and face the child now grown.
I am grateful. God let me tell her. I imagine it made God sad I was so hurt. And her actions of rejection and words she spoke over me while inside her body, were her truth about me. They are not Gods truth about me. So. I gave it back. All of it.
And I showed her the wound she did not want to see. It stunk. Yes. It was infected. Yes. But that’s what she did and this is what she got back. Consequences. She thought she did a good thing. And now she knows better as to what she did to her daughter. Some people just don’t get what they do. But that’s not my problem anymore. It’s hers to live with.
Thanks for showing up to be a witness to my healing. Thank you for your time. I hope my words have educated you and changed your mind a bit.