But what she has found out of late is that it was most difficult for the child she relinquished. Some kids just don’t take lightly when a parent does that and I am one of them.
Mama Jean is my best friend in this life. Our relationship is forged with truth. And I held a lot of truth in that I felt would hurt her. But she knew about it anyway. She’s one of the most compassionate people I know.
Going through this purge has shown me everyone true colors. And Mama Jean is white as the driven snow. Her love is strong. Her commitment is true. Mama Linda could learn some things from her.
But I imagine she has of late, what with my truth Carving away at her illusions. And we each have lessons to learn in each life. Mama Linda’s learning what it felt like to be at the other end of her relinquishing this child.
I imagine God moved me because God saw she did not appreciate the gift he sent to her. I imagine God saw she would never appreciate me, and that Mama Jean would. But god being sovereign would let her know. Yes. god shows us the results of our actions always.
I was born in the valley of the shadow of death. I have walked through this life with only my body to look to for support, and Mama Jean to tell me what she saw. I’ve not had a history. I’ve not had a mirror. I’ve only had Mama Jean helping me do my best. And my dark night of the soul is about over. I can feel truth setting me free from the past that haunted me.
My Mama Linda showed me what she thought of me at relinquishment and at reunion. Nether were pretty. But we must face things. Because I am not my Father, or Mother, or siblings now. I am my own person, honed by the experiences that this life without her has given me. And armed with the love and truth Mama Jean poured into me.
And my Mama’s thoughts of me were like a bully chasing me down and beating me up all day. Relinquishment made me feel like shit, rejected, abandoned, and it hurt like hell itself. I had a great life growing up, but I could not see it because of mama Linda’s garbage she dumped on me while in utero. Kids hear everything while inside us. So pay attention to what you say. It might bite you in the ass later.
Growing up wondering why my own Mama did not want me was so hard. I faced each day with the knowing that I was not good enough to make the grade for her. And I guess, as I look now at it. She never would be able to hold a candle to Mama Jean. Because Mama Jean took me without even seeing her. She took me. I needed her. And she needed me. She showed up. For us both. Mama Linda can’t see how priceless that is. She in her own world that she created without me.
It’s twisted. I’m not gonna lie. My life is very twisted. And my emotions have been triggered. And I needed to sort them out. You can’t do that and stay silent. Mama Jean took my truth and never let go. Mama Linda ran like a scared rabbit hiding from a predictor. Not sure what she thought I wanted except love and acceptance.
Mama Linda obviously can’t accept me. I wonder if she accept her 25 year old self? She in her 70’s now. She can’t seem to remember who she was back then or does not want to. I am from that woman. Not the lady that she is now. She’s changed. A lot.
Adoption changed her too. I guess she did not realize that over in Colusa, Ca that a child she threw away, was loving her still. I guess she thought I would forget her? Sad. She’s so way off.
Mama Jean raised me to be a good person. To be honest above all. That if folks can’t take your honesty, it was their loss. Mama Linda does not know what to do with feelings except to stuff them. When I confronted her about it, she just closed the door of her cold heart and left me outside alone. Again.
People seem to think that when you share the feelings that you felt growing up, that you are still there. Nope. I’m not there anymore. My truth has set me fre to be me. The me that has always been. I am just now being open and accepting of it. I accept that my own Mama did this to me. I accept that it was hard going through life like a feather in the wind. And i accept that I live through it to grow up and tell my Mama Linda just what she did to me. Pretty brave as I see it. It’s not easy to tell my truth.
I wanted her to be a part of my life. Yes. Even now. I accept that this is where she has always been. And I accept that I will never give up on her. Even though. It’s just how it is. I love her in my own way. Children just can’t turn that off. It’s not healthy for our self image to hold stuff in. My self image has been torn apart. And this is me patching it up.
But now. I work to restore myself. I work to see beyond it. And you have to look at what you got first before you can create something new. I believe burning down the old is the best way to build a new. My old foundations gone. It was shaky and unstable. But now with the truth out, I feel grounded. I’ve stood up for myself to the one person who mattered most to me, so I could love the one who should matter most to me.
Mama jean is right. She’ll never have what she has. Mama Jean showed up. She did the work. She loved me and my Mama through it all. And I’ve learned a lot coming clean. I see her clearer now. The ghost Mama is gone. And I see a shallow shell of a woman where I once saw a rock. Mama Linda was a ghost in my life. She haunted me. Mama jean is my rock.
But the lights are on now. No darkness. I see her for who she wants me to see her for, a woman that gave me life. That’s all she showed up for. And I guess that will have to be enough. I still don’t really have a proper medical history, I only have a few pictures and stories of my ancestors.
But I’ve gotten along ok so far without it. God will give me all that is mine. This I know. God’s not failed me yet in giving me back what is mine by birth right. And Mama Linda will never be able to fight that.
I feel better having gotten this all out. Even though it was hard seeing how my family of origin reacted. To bad for them. I feel better having said it all. If Mama Linda can’t understand it? Not my problem. I’ve given her all I had.
Adoptions not a cake walk. It hard being someone else child, when you know darn well your Mama’s out there somewhere. It irks me when folks just think it so easy. They forget I had a Mama and she didn’t show up. Not a good one. I value my reputation. And to go through life being adopted, and folks knowing my Mama gave me away does not shed a good light on me. People want to lump you in with where you came from.
Well. I am not like where I came from. Mama Jean made sure of it. She taught me how to be a good Mama and to never give my babies away. She showed me what it looks like to want a child so bad and not to be able to have one. She showed me by trying hard to not be like my Mama Linda. She’s never turned her back on me. Even when I told her the truth.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.