What exactly is gained when we dump old energies? What are old energies? I am so glad you asked me that… Because those are very good questions.
What is gained by dumping old energies?
What is gained when we dump, which is to delete, let go of, and speak or give a voice to ones own inner energies, that need to be expressed, or lets say let out of the bag, so other energies can be allowed to come in.
What do I mean? Well, when we are growing up, many energies are taken in, by experience, by watching, and by hearing. My life for example, is a cacophony of many things. But the one energy I experienced at birth, was relinquishment. I felt the hot sting of my Mothers rebuke, and felt what relinquishment of me to another was to be cut forever off from my own Mama. That one act would color my world for years. And would leave me reeling for years, trying to figure out what happened? And would leave me wondering about my own worth. The negative energy I picked up from my relinquishment, by my Mama, needed to go. I had taken her actions very badly, and rightfully so. She chose not to show up for work that day, and give her baby to another.
I guess she thought I would not notice? Well, I did. We all do. But letting go of grief for a loss is hard, cuz grief was all I knew. It was all I remembered of her, pain, loneliness, sorrow, and I missed her. She was like a ghost in my life. I strained to remember everything about her, and probably remembered to much. When kids loose a parent, they strain to remember them. They rehearse what they say and tel themselves the stories, to remember their parent. Mine was my Mama. It is just what I did to cope. I remembered her to comfort myself, since no one noticed I was sad.
Many have told me that I was loved, yes I was. Many say my Mother loved me by giving me away. I get that. But what folks have not gotten is that a child, me, went through that, with no vocabulary, no explanation that was from her, and no comfort for my loss of my Mother. That my friends is a huge pill to give a child. Now, if my Mother had died, I would have been allowed some time to mourn her loss, maybe get counseling, or maybe even been able to know a bit about her. I am not saying all children get this, for there are many that have lost a Mother, and have not gotten this, but, what I share here to to make folks aware that they should. From my experience, of going through life with such a big cross on my back, I have learned what works and what does not. No one taught me, guided me, or saw even that I was suffering. I guess I am good at hiding things. But growing up, I did hide things to stay safe.
Grief is an energy not many understand, and few embrace. I was embraced by grief, at two days old, actually, I was embraced by grief while still in my Mothers womb. I knew she was going to get rid of me. And I feel that in fact she did attempt to rid herself of me before I was born, but it did not work. I also feel I was a twin, and lost my twin while in the womb.
I do not have any physical proof of this, but all this cellular memory has been coming up. And with Gods help, I feel, this is true. My birth Mother, ashamed of her actions, struggles to even be able to stand being in the room with me. I have tried everything to help her, for twenty four years now, she does not reach out to me? She tells me that she has embraced me, loved me, and yet why did I not realize or feel this vital message?
Could it be becuase she rejected my first attempt to contact her?
Could it be because she did not jump at the idea of me coming back into her life?
Could it be the fact that she hid the fact that I was even born from her? From everyone?
Could it be that she said, upon my sisters telling her I had made contact with them, something to the affect of “Shit”? They told me this, it could have been another swear word.
Could it be that I can say nothing to please her? I feel so misunderstood. It is like she just does not care.
Could it be the fact that she has daughter weekends and chooses to not invite me?
Could it be that after I stopped calling her on a regular basis, which was costing me an arm and a leg in phone bills, that she never called me, or reached out to talk?
Could it be because she says I am angry at her? When I came up, spent 5 hours driving, loaded with goodies for family and her, to visit and make soup and do Mother Daughter things? Christ!
Could it be that there is only one picture of me in her home that is visible? After 24 years?
Could it be that when she drove right past my town without stopping on her way to see our Cousin, who now does not talk to me now? She told me she could not find me? Even though she found Santa Cruz? In all the traffic? But could not find me from her hometown, which she found? I am certainly glad she can find her way at all? Oh Lordy, just meanness. What Mother drives by her daughters town and does not stop in and visit? My Mom.
Or could it be the fact that now that I have shared my feelings with her at how it really felt growing up with out her, she has blocked me?
Take your pick. Actions speak louder than words.
These are the things I have had to face after trusting God to find her. And these are things actions that stare me in the face, as I try to figure out why she does not reach back towards me. It looks like there is a lot more she has not shared, and may never share. It is to bad, it is unhealthy to hold stuff in, I feel she would do good to get it all off her chest with someone who has been through it with her?
I was not always so upset. I was full of Gods hope. I still am for that matter. But a part of me has begun to die, the part of me that allowed her to do this to me, and to treat me like this. A part of me began to grow, as she spurned me again and again. It sure got my attention, and the part of me that was naive, began to grow up. And that grown up girl, stood up. And she spoke her mind, even though my Mama did not want to hear it. I spoke anyway.
This is where I chose to do it, so folks can see the struggle of an Adopted child trying to make sense of the life she was given. To show how I am piecing my life back together, my whole life. These are the thoughts I have held in, for years. And I share these torn fragments with you. Its all I have, torn up pieces parts and some glue and prayer. Well, I guess that is all I need?
This is work folks….
Thanks for diving deep with me today.