I guess I just did not want to believe 

I guess after so long, that I just did not want to believe my Mama was dead. She’s living right up in Oregon, surely she’s not gone? She’s living and breathing, and yet the woman who bore me is dead some how. Because I’ve tried everything to wake her up to herself again. But, it’s like some Asshole has taken over her body and set up house. 

It would seem no one else realizes this because she’s only an asshole to me. And I’ve done everything. I’ve been loving, I’ve been caring, I’ve written poetry, I’ve gone to the family functions, I’ve sent cards and letters. But nothing can raise a woman like her from the dead back into the living it would seem. 

I know me. And so I felt I knew her, but knowing someone is evidently not enough. I need a divine intervention. I need a god moment. I need to just let that woman go. Cuz she gone. And that so very hard for me. Because I held onto that woman for so long and she gone. She died the day I left, is what I see. And the woman who looks like her is just a hollow shell of a person I used to know. 

Don’t get me wrong. She’s still an amazing woman and she does so much for God and the church. She appears to be a devoted Mother to the children she kept, but seems to have completely forgotten about me. 

And that makes me sad. I wish someone would have told me that your Mom dies even when she still lives. It’s hard to see her this way. It’s hard because I never forgot her. I clung to every memory and all that I knew about the vessel I was made from. And to us kids, it’s devastating to find your Mama that you love like that. It tears me up. For sure. 

But Ive been torn up since the day she left. So, pricing me back together is out now. I had a last hope that she could help me piece myself Back together. She has refused. And no matter what I say or do changes her mind. It’s like I am some Babbling fool standing on her front step just looking like a hot mess to her. She can’t see me. She refused. It’s is disconcerting cuz I felt it was important for us to reconnect completely. 

And I wanted her to know my story. And their is sadness in that story and she refused to accept that from my vantage point, I saw it way diffet by than she told herself, and from what society told her I would see and feel about her. I remembers her every move. And I became her. That’s where I came from. 

Mama Jean raised me. But Mama Linda was who I was made from.  And together evidently, you get a hot mess when you do that, according to my Mama Linda? She evidently did and does not like the results from my Adoption. Kind of sad if you ask me. She sends me away, doesn’t factor in that I may return, tells no one, except her husband. And gets upset when I come back and blocks me over and over again? It makes no sense to me. Everyone told me she loved me so much she gave me away. 

And if she loves me, wouldn’t she want to know what happened to her baby? Wouldn’t she want to know it all? Aren’t we supposed to be honest and truthful with our Mothers? Isn’t that what makes a good relationship? And yet my honest has been construed as contempt and hate. I just am befuttled. 

Is there no hope for the child relinquished and wanting to return home? It feels so harsh and unyielding. I guess we have no rights. Adopted children are wards of the universe and must wander around not knowing the why and what and where of their ancestoriage heritage forever in our lifetime? I guess the world just sees it that way. If your Mom gives you up, there is no way back for you. That’s kind of a hard pill to swallow and yet folks want me to swallow it. I am choking on it. 

I read about human rights and children’s rights and this is a violation of them. And yet no one seems to care about it. We care about animal rights, we care about and yet the child is not protect sufficiently yet. Our heritage can be cast to the wind. Our Mothers can go mad and leave us and no one gives a shit that we stay with her and our families. 

Folks seem to think someone else can do better. Maybe Mama Jean did do better? But Mama Linda doesn’t not appear to think so. She seems to be displeased with Mama jeans results. And that seems rude to me. I feel like Mama Jean did her best and this is what you get. And I we can’t go back, except to learn and take the lessons. 

What are the lessons here with me? 

  • Mothers matter, no matter what. 
  • A stranger can raise a child, but the child will Never forget their family, especially their Mother
  • It’s is especially traumatic to the child who is relinquished. 
  • A mother’s absence and how that absence is handled has a profound affect on the child’s psyche. 
  • I have questions unanswered, which is extremely disruptive to the flow of my life
  • Not knowing who you came from causes personality development issues. 
  • My self concept is disrupted and missing pieces, which causes me disruptions
  • Having to explain yourself all the time is daunting and disruptive. 
  • I can never forget what this life has taught me. 
  • I mourn. And that mourning is love. I have felt a great loss my whole life. And it does not stop. No matter what I do. 
  • Not every Mama cares like folks say she should. 
  • People lie about what adoption is
  • Adoption is hard and takes more work than keeping the child
  • Children naturally gravitate back to their families and it’s a good thing. But not everyone sees it that way. Especially bio Moms. 
  • Adoption causes ptsd and it’s disruptive. 
  • It’s hard to love a stranger that shows up, when your heart bleeds for your Mama

These are a few lessons I’ve learned from being Adopted. And I wish I could say some better things about it, I probably will once I get this out of me. But right now, this is what I have felt for years. I just now have found words for my feelings and connected them together.  It’s been hard doing this work. It’s hard on us all now that I’ve come clean about it. My Mamas had no idea. I guess I hid it well. 

But the time for acting on is over. I am not ok with how it is. I am not ok with Adoption if this is what I get for my time here. Yes. I feel Cheated. I did my best. And I wanted my prize. My Mama back. Is that just to much to ask of this life and universe? Is God deaf? Is God teaching me a lesson? If so. I learned Adoption sucks, for the kids. 

Thank you very much God

For making feel

Such pain. 

Thank you for bringing m 

Here to feel the pain of relinquishment. 

I would have to say it must feel like loosing your son for us. Thank you for your sacrifice. I felt what the cost felt like to you and Jesus. 

Thank you for diving deep with me. 

God bless. 

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