It’s sad my Mama does not see the beauty in what she created. I mourn for us. And I pray that anyone reading this will think about what adoption really means to the Mother and child.
My Mama gave me to another to raise. True. And that was the best she could do for me. True. And what’s sad is that she can not see the beauty in what she did? She fails to see the blessing in what another did with what she made.
It’s so upsetting to come home and to just want your Mama’s acceptance after so long. It tears my heart out each day we are not reconciled. Because it shows me that adoption failed. If my Mama is not proud of what she did and of what was created from her actions, it shows me adoption has failed us both.
If reconciliation is not part of such a thing, then what’s the point? Who is saved by such an act? What is saved from such an act? And who really benefits if we can not come back together and rejoice in what has found her and in releasing what was lost? Why? What’s does anyone gain from this kind of relationship?
Children look up to their parents. Even orphans. We look for the light in the darkness, always. We search the faces for the one that we came from. We long for answers to the questions only our Mamas can answer. But what is gained when she has nothing to say to make it all ok?
It’s like a knife to a wound that will never feel my Mamas comfort. And it hurts even self each day she does not apply the oil and the wine. Mama Jean does real good trying to heal a wound she helped create by taking me home with her. But she can’t heal what another did.
If this is so right. If adoptions so great. Why do I hurt today? And why do I long for someone who’s body I was made from so much? I have tried to shirk it off. I have run from my feeling for years. And at my lowest moment, when I told her my truth and how hard it was without her, she turned her back in me again and again. What is the benefit?
How is this child bebefited by this action? When clearly I can see their is no benefit. Exclusion is hurtful and cruel. And the day my Mama gave me away, I now see, she excluded me from her life. And that hurts. So many lies were told to me. I was told she loved me so much. I was told she was stronger than another woman?
I feel strength is When we talk about the hard stuff openly. I feel that families are strengthened by chaos. If we will do the work. It’s like an unlearning of what was said. I unlearn all the lies told to me as I face my Mamas deeper truth. And it hard to face, but face t I will. For it was the only thing she could give me, the back of her hand.
I am sad for us. Because I came so far, to heal her. And to make it all right. But t takes two. And she just won’t show up. And so what has been benefited for us? Tow strong woman who now are strangers and yet connected.
This is what adoption looks like. For me.
Thanks for diving deep.