Anger. What’s it saying?

What is anger all about? What is an angry cry all about? What does frustration point too? 

The dictionary says this about it. And it is spot on. 

frus·tra·tion

frəˈstrāSH(ə)n/

noun

the feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.

“I sometimes feel like screaming with frustration”

synonyms: exasperation, annoyance, anger, vexation, irritation; More

an event or circumstance that causes one to have a feeling of frustration.

plural noun: frustrations

“the inherent frustrations of assembly line work”

the prevention of the progress, success, or fulfillment of something.

“the frustration of their wishes”

synonyms: thwarting, defeat, prevention, foiling, blocking, spoiling, circumvention, forestalling, disappointment, derailment; More

I do feel that something has not been fulfilled with us. I feel we have not had our full circle moment. Adoption is confusing. And there are many things said about what it is. But what I see if a lot of words spoken in ignorance and without the full picture. For my feelings are a part of this equation you see? And yet they were not put into the equation at all. Or considered?

It is frustrating when you finally have the balls to step up to the daughter plate and your Mama won’t open the door and let you in. It’s rough when she’s so turned around and thinks your crazy. Its upsetting when she can not see the Forrest for the trees, if you will, and own her part in what was done to you. 

People want me to shut up about it. I have tried. And it does not quite the pain n my bones. So, I refuse to do so anymore. God sent me to her first.  And until she accept me, my mission is not complete. What and why did the universe send me to her first? What is the purpose? Is adoption just so she can forget what god sent to her? Is it for me? Because at this point I just don’t see the benefit to me or my children here?  

We lost our natural heritage. We lost our natural ancestoriage. We have gained ancestoriage from another legally, but what about our natural one? Is my heritage so insignificant to society? Does no one care where they came from anymore? Where is the autonomy? And flow? I was amputated and yet I still live? I’m like some leg that was tossed out and expected to just walk around without my body. How is this helpful? 

My Mamas now psychoticly  living a life without me? She acts and says I am not hers? When DNA places me with her? How is this helpful? Please tell me? I feel like a peice of fabric now cut into shreds with no way to peice my life back together. How do you think it feels? 

Anger and frustration are due to me not being able to gain my whole family back. Anger is here because my family acts crazy and we are strangers. Anger is here because I do not have all that my civil rights and children’s rights state that I have a right too? I am frustrated because now my Mama does not understand me? If this is so good, why does my Mama not understand me? 

She’s changed her number? Because she did not like that this hurt me. She blocked her number and email because she now knows what adoption did to her child and does not want to face her creation. How is this of benefit to anyone? Please tell me?

Anger is a cry for help. Anger is the last straw at an effort to come home to whom God sent me too first. Anger is a desperate cry from a child that has always  wanted her Mommy to just show up and make it all ok? So. If anger upsets you? Well to bad. It upset me to no end that my Mama left me that day in the hospital and having to live without her.  And now I have shown you the extent of that damage. So. 

Look at that will ya? Instead of just my anger. See, the child in me that never dies, but only grows up. My wounds are still here. I nurse them daily, with no Mama to help make sense of it. That’s really what’s upsetting. 

Everyone else gets their Mama’s. Even in divorce they get their mama’s. But in adoption she is cut off forever, even though we know she still lives. That’s hurtful. It’s cruel to do children this way. And that’s why my anger boils. It boils from a wound that can not heal and should not heal until my Mama does what God calls all Mama’s to do,”show up”. That’s all. Just show up and tend the wound. 

Kiss it away with the love you say you had, and the love that did this thing. How about that bio Moms? Pay the price you thought you gave away to another. How about stepping up? Why is it so hard to see yourself in your child? For you are there. Deep within. Just crying to get out. 

Restoration is gods words. But to graphed us back in a cut must be made in the heart of the child and the Mama, so the two pieces can grow back together. Ok? It’s hard work. Yes. But relinquishment is harder, because there is no full circle of gods grace. Why is it so hard for Mama’s to understand? We children know what to do? Why don’t our Mamas listen? If adoptions so great? 

Why does everyone try to take the quick way? The narrow road is better. Do the right thing Bio Mama’s. Own your actions that caused the wound. And we own our actions to return anyway, with love guiding us. 

Children always love their mamas, we just don’t always like their actions. 

Thanks for diving with me today

God bless. 

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