I guess my Bio Mom thought she won the day she gave me away? Or maybe she thought she could wash her hands of a child born from her and just go on? Maybe she thought she knew me? But I think she knew her. Cuz it was not over at all for me. Her child.
Like everyone says you only have one mom. And I wanted to know from her lips why? Why did she just give up? Was it god? Was it her own fears? I feel that asking why is an answerable question. And that it is a reasonable question considering.
I share my interior pain to show you that’s what I held in. I am not a miserable person. But I have had to deal with some miserable things for sure.
Loosing your Mother is miserable, especially when she lives. What was my Mama protecting me from? To remove me from her must have been Some protection, don’t you think? There must have been some intellect there? What was it? From the horses mouth.
We can imagine what it was. We can feel it. Yes. But to give it words is to allow it out. It allows it to be understood. I know how it felt. Is that what she wanted? And if not? She might want to learn that doing this does what it did and not what she intended? Should she know? I feel she should know the truth and not a lie she was told?
Like all I want her to know is what I felt like for me? So she can see what it feels like to the child. So we both can learn? That is not bad. The bad already happened. Separation is enough. But unity is what we all can have. If we face what is we then can go forward aware of our affect on each other.
That is not bad, it’s just an adjustment after the shock. She surely did not expect this to affect me so profoundly. Surely she did not intend to hurt me so? And yet it did. And I would like to say it did not, but that was not my truth growing up.
And time has passed. And I am grown. And I am living. I work to thrive and bloom where she planted me. But I miss her. She’s here, in me. But I wish she was able to cross over and be here with me once in a while. It’s nice to spend time together.
But there is something between us. That’s true. And telling the truth is the only way I can see to clear the air between us? We should be able to be friends. Just because she gave up on being my Mama, does that mean she looses the chance to be my friend? It I guess if your Mom is your best friend? She gave that up too?
I guess if your out of love, your out of love? Maybe some woman only have enough to bring us into the world? That’s a thought that society should consider, with all the conflicting things they have told me? Is it so bad she gave me away? Many say yes. Including the woman who raised me. Yes. Even though she benefited from my Mama doing so? My Mama Jean did not understand why my Mama Linda could do that?
It baffles folks. The adopted family rejoices. They now have a child. Yipee. But at what price has this bargain cost? What cost has the child paid for this exchange? I know how it felt. And it was hard at times. It’s harder now. My Mamas alive and miles away. And it hard to not want to run to her for comfort. But she seems to be asleep or brainwashed. She acts like a stranger. It’s strange.
I can not say I am a fan of the feeling of wanting to run home. People make you feel guilty for it. And I ask why? Are. It children supposed to want their Mama’s and family? Why did God make it that way? Am I supposed to turn it off and where is the button?
Do you know where the button is? Or is it best to reunite and try to rebuild what we can? If a family is a unit, and a piece of that unit is missing, should it be placed back into the unit to bring balance back? It just makes me wonder. And closure is what I seek. Closure to a wound is essential for healing. Doctors see us up. I am. It sowed up. I feel like my wound is open and oozing all day. I tend it. But it persists. It’s upsetting when all you want is to feel whole and at peace and your Mama does not help you?
This must have messed her up bad. That’s what I see. This really messes us all up. It twists us. God is the only one who can untwist it. And I ask God to help me do just that. Amen.
Thanks for diving deep with me today