My patiences. 

It’s hard being patient with your Mama. It’s hard when she’s so turned around and can’t see it or listens to you. It’s hard to be patient when you Mama sees you as a mess, crazy, this, that and the kitchen sink. I am a good person. So is she? What is the issue between us then?

It’s hard to be patient when I have so much to share with her! I have so many gifts. And I just want to share them with her. I struggle to be patient when I just want to yell, “wake up Mama!! It’s me, your baby girl grown!!” ” let me in!! What happened? You used to be like me?” And your a good person too! 

It’s hard to be patient when your Mama’s a strong minded person. And you are trying to get through to her heart and her mind is not letting you through. 

Lord, I ask that you take this wall down between us. Please. I ask that you help us to bond like Mama and daughter to the part of my heart that is hers alone. Help her see that her portion has always been within me. And a child naturally bonds to their Mother. Even if she just gave birth to you, she still matters. Help her to see that Mama Jean taught me that. She always knew and respected that I would search for her. Lord. Help her see that no one will or needs to go without any longer. Even though I have seen beyond her curtain of secrecy, that God sees all. And that God showed me. And showed me the beauty in the chaos Here with she and I. Help me to let go and to leave her in your ever loving hands lord. I miss her so. You know my heart. Show her. Like you showed me. May pride be struck down today. May we both be humbled that God would give us a second chance together. Thank you. Amen

May love you win. With us all. 

Thanks for diving deep. 

Dumping old energies is work

What exactly is gained when we dump old energies? What are old energies? I am so glad you asked me that… Because those are very good questions.

What is gained by dumping old energies?

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What is gained when we dump, which is to delete, let go of, and speak or give a voice to ones own inner energies, that need to be expressed, or lets say let out of the bag, so other energies can be allowed to come in.

What do I mean? Well, when we are growing up, many energies are taken in, by experience, by watching, and by hearing. My life for example, is a cacophony of many things. But the one energy I experienced at birth, was relinquishment. I felt the hot sting of my Mothers rebuke, and felt what relinquishment of me to another was to be cut forever off from my own Mama. That one act would color my world for years. And would leave me reeling for years, trying to figure out what happened? And would leave me wondering about my own worth. The negative energy I picked up from my relinquishment, by my Mama, needed to go. I had taken her actions very badly, and rightfully so. She chose not to show up for work that day, and give her baby to another.

I guess she thought I would not notice? Well, I did. We all do. But letting go of grief for a loss is hard, cuz grief was all I knew. It was all I remembered of her, pain, loneliness, sorrow, and I missed her. She was like a ghost in my life. I strained to remember everything about her, and probably remembered to much. When kids loose a parent, they strain to remember them. They rehearse what they say and tel themselves the stories, to remember their parent. Mine was my Mama. It is just what I did to cope. I remembered her to comfort myself, since no one noticed I was sad.

Many have told me that I was loved, yes I was. Many say my Mother loved me by giving me away. I get that. But what folks have not gotten is that a child, me, went through that, with no vocabulary, no explanation that was from her, and no comfort for my loss of my Mother. That my friends is a huge pill to give a child. Now, if my Mother had died, I would have been allowed some time to mourn her loss, maybe get counseling, or maybe even been able to know a bit about her. I am not saying all children get this, for there are many that have lost a Mother, and have not gotten this, but, what I share here to to make folks aware that they should. From my experience, of going through life with such a big cross on my back, I have learned what works and what does not. No one taught me, guided me, or saw even that I was suffering. I guess I am good at hiding things. But growing up, I did hide things to stay safe.

Grief is an energy not many understand, and few embrace. I was embraced by grief, at two days old, actually, I was embraced by grief while still in my Mothers womb. I knew she was going to get rid of me. And I feel that in fact she did attempt to rid herself of me before I was born, but it did not work. I also feel I was a twin, and lost my twin while in the womb.

I do not have any physical proof of this, but all this cellular memory has been coming up. And with Gods help, I feel, this is true. My birth Mother, ashamed of her actions, struggles to even be able to stand being in the room with me. I have tried everything to help her, for twenty four years now, she does not reach out to me? She tells me that she has embraced me, loved me, and yet why did I not realize or feel this vital message?

Could it be becuase she rejected my first attempt to contact her?

Could it be because she did not jump at the idea of me coming back into her life?

Could it be the fact that she hid the fact that I was even born from her? From everyone?

Could it be that she said, upon my sisters telling her I had made contact with them, something to the affect of “Shit”? They told me this, it could have been another swear word.

Could it be that I can say nothing to please her? I feel so misunderstood. It is like she just does not care.

Could it be the fact that she has daughter weekends and chooses to not invite me?

Could it be that after I stopped calling her on a regular basis, which was costing me an arm and a leg in phone bills, that she never called me, or reached out to talk?

Could it be because she says I am angry at her? When I came up, spent 5 hours driving, loaded with goodies for family and her, to visit and make soup and do Mother Daughter things? Christ!

Could it be that there is only one picture of me in her home that is visible? After 24 years?

Could it be that when she drove right past my town without stopping on her way to see our Cousin, who now does not talk to me now?  She told me she could not find me? Even though she found Santa Cruz? In all the traffic? But could not find me from her hometown, which she found? I am certainly glad she can find her way at all? Oh Lordy, just meanness. What Mother drives by her daughters town and does not stop in and visit? My Mom.

Or could it be the fact that now that I have shared my feelings with her at how it really felt growing up with out her, she has blocked me?

Take your pick. Actions speak louder than words.

These are the things I have had to face after trusting God to find her. And these are things actions that stare me in the face, as I try to figure out why she does not reach back towards me. It looks like there is a lot more she has not shared, and may never share. It is to bad, it is unhealthy to hold stuff in, I feel she would do good to get it all off her chest with someone who has been through it with her?

I was not always so upset. I was full of Gods hope. I still am for that matter. But a part of me has begun to die, the part of me that allowed her to do this to me, and to treat me like this. A part of me began to grow, as she spurned me again and again. It sure got my attention, and the part of me that was naive, began to grow up. And that grown up girl, stood up. And she spoke her mind, even though my Mama did not want to hear it. I spoke anyway.

This is where I chose to do it, so folks can see the struggle of an Adopted child trying to make sense of the life she was given. To show how I am piecing my life back together, my whole life. These are the thoughts I have held in, for years. And I share these torn fragments with you. Its all I have, torn up pieces parts and some glue and prayer. Well, I guess that is all I need?

This is work folks….

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

God bless

I am not ashamed of a love like this. 

I unashamedly profess my undying love for my Mama. No matter what I have written here. 

My love is strong. No matter time, space, or events, I love my Mama. 

No one can talk me out of it. Not her even. And not myself either. 

That. Is what love is. For a Mama. 

Strong. Lasting. Painridden when she’s lost. It’s makes us search for her. It drives us back home to her heart. 

Our Love Ain’t Water Under The Bridge

my Mama does not seem to understand she’s not done with my Dad. Cuz he left a gift for her. And she needs to allow that gift to give the love he filled me with to her. 

A love so deep, there is no end. 

Water Under the Bridge

Adele

If you’re not the one for me

Then I’ll come back and bring you to your knees

If you’re not the one for me

Why do I hate the idea of being free?

And if I’m not the one for you

You’ve gotta stop holding me the way you do

Oh when you found that the one for you

Why have we been through what we have been through
It’s so cold out here in your wilderness

I want you to be my keeper

But not if you are so reckless
If you’re gonna let me down, let me down gently

Don’t pretend that you don’t want me

Our love ain’t water under the bridge

If you’re gonna let me down, let me down gently

Don’t pretend that you don’t want me

Our love ain’t water under the bridge

Say that our love ain’t water under the bridge
What are you waiting for?

You never seem to make it through the door

And who are you hiding from?

It ain’t no life to live like you’re on the run

Have I ever asked for much?

The only thing that I want is your love
If you’re gonna let me down, let me down gently

Don’t pretend that you don’t want me

Our love ain’t water under the bridge

If you’re gonna let me down, let me down gently

Don’t pretend that you don’t want me

Our love ain’t water under the bridge

Say that our love ain’t water under the bridge
It’s so cold in your wilderness

I want you to be my keeper

But not if you are so reckless
If you’re gonna let me down, let me down gently

Don’t pretend that you don’t want me

Our love ain’t water under the bridge

If you’re gonna let me down, let me down gently

Don’t pretend that you don’t want me

Our love ain’t water under the bridge
Say it ain’t so, say it ain’t so

Say it ain’t so, say it ain’t so

Say it ain’t so, say it ain’t so

Say it ain’t so, say it ain’t so

Say it ain’t so, say it ain’t so

Say it ain’t so, say it ain’t so

Say it ain’t so, say it ain’t so

Say it ain’t so, say it ain’t so

Say that our love ain’t water under the bridge

I guess I just did not want to believe 

I guess after so long, that I just did not want to believe my Mama was dead. She’s living right up in Oregon, surely she’s not gone? She’s living and breathing, and yet the woman who bore me is dead some how. Because I’ve tried everything to wake her up to herself again. But, it’s like some Asshole has taken over her body and set up house. 

It would seem no one else realizes this because she’s only an asshole to me. And I’ve done everything. I’ve been loving, I’ve been caring, I’ve written poetry, I’ve gone to the family functions, I’ve sent cards and letters. But nothing can raise a woman like her from the dead back into the living it would seem. 

I know me. And so I felt I knew her, but knowing someone is evidently not enough. I need a divine intervention. I need a god moment. I need to just let that woman go. Cuz she gone. And that so very hard for me. Because I held onto that woman for so long and she gone. She died the day I left, is what I see. And the woman who looks like her is just a hollow shell of a person I used to know. 

Don’t get me wrong. She’s still an amazing woman and she does so much for God and the church. She appears to be a devoted Mother to the children she kept, but seems to have completely forgotten about me. 

And that makes me sad. I wish someone would have told me that your Mom dies even when she still lives. It’s hard to see her this way. It’s hard because I never forgot her. I clung to every memory and all that I knew about the vessel I was made from. And to us kids, it’s devastating to find your Mama that you love like that. It tears me up. For sure. 

But Ive been torn up since the day she left. So, pricing me back together is out now. I had a last hope that she could help me piece myself Back together. She has refused. And no matter what I say or do changes her mind. It’s like I am some Babbling fool standing on her front step just looking like a hot mess to her. She can’t see me. She refused. It’s is disconcerting cuz I felt it was important for us to reconnect completely. 

And I wanted her to know my story. And their is sadness in that story and she refused to accept that from my vantage point, I saw it way diffet by than she told herself, and from what society told her I would see and feel about her. I remembers her every move. And I became her. That’s where I came from. 

Mama Jean raised me. But Mama Linda was who I was made from.  And together evidently, you get a hot mess when you do that, according to my Mama Linda? She evidently did and does not like the results from my Adoption. Kind of sad if you ask me. She sends me away, doesn’t factor in that I may return, tells no one, except her husband. And gets upset when I come back and blocks me over and over again? It makes no sense to me. Everyone told me she loved me so much she gave me away. 

And if she loves me, wouldn’t she want to know what happened to her baby? Wouldn’t she want to know it all? Aren’t we supposed to be honest and truthful with our Mothers? Isn’t that what makes a good relationship? And yet my honest has been construed as contempt and hate. I just am befuttled. 

Is there no hope for the child relinquished and wanting to return home? It feels so harsh and unyielding. I guess we have no rights. Adopted children are wards of the universe and must wander around not knowing the why and what and where of their ancestoriage heritage forever in our lifetime? I guess the world just sees it that way. If your Mom gives you up, there is no way back for you. That’s kind of a hard pill to swallow and yet folks want me to swallow it. I am choking on it. 

I read about human rights and children’s rights and this is a violation of them. And yet no one seems to care about it. We care about animal rights, we care about and yet the child is not protect sufficiently yet. Our heritage can be cast to the wind. Our Mothers can go mad and leave us and no one gives a shit that we stay with her and our families. 

Folks seem to think someone else can do better. Maybe Mama Jean did do better? But Mama Linda doesn’t not appear to think so. She seems to be displeased with Mama jeans results. And that seems rude to me. I feel like Mama Jean did her best and this is what you get. And I we can’t go back, except to learn and take the lessons. 

What are the lessons here with me? 

  • Mothers matter, no matter what. 
  • A stranger can raise a child, but the child will Never forget their family, especially their Mother
  • It’s is especially traumatic to the child who is relinquished. 
  • A mother’s absence and how that absence is handled has a profound affect on the child’s psyche. 
  • I have questions unanswered, which is extremely disruptive to the flow of my life
  • Not knowing who you came from causes personality development issues. 
  • My self concept is disrupted and missing pieces, which causes me disruptions
  • Having to explain yourself all the time is daunting and disruptive. 
  • I can never forget what this life has taught me. 
  • I mourn. And that mourning is love. I have felt a great loss my whole life. And it does not stop. No matter what I do. 
  • Not every Mama cares like folks say she should. 
  • People lie about what adoption is
  • Adoption is hard and takes more work than keeping the child
  • Children naturally gravitate back to their families and it’s a good thing. But not everyone sees it that way. Especially bio Moms. 
  • Adoption causes ptsd and it’s disruptive. 
  • It’s hard to love a stranger that shows up, when your heart bleeds for your Mama

These are a few lessons I’ve learned from being Adopted. And I wish I could say some better things about it, I probably will once I get this out of me. But right now, this is what I have felt for years. I just now have found words for my feelings and connected them together.  It’s been hard doing this work. It’s hard on us all now that I’ve come clean about it. My Mamas had no idea. I guess I hid it well. 

But the time for acting on is over. I am not ok with how it is. I am not ok with Adoption if this is what I get for my time here. Yes. I feel Cheated. I did my best. And I wanted my prize. My Mama back. Is that just to much to ask of this life and universe? Is God deaf? Is God teaching me a lesson? If so. I learned Adoption sucks, for the kids. 

Thank you very much God

For making feel

Such pain. 

Thank you for bringing m 

Here to feel the pain of relinquishment. 

I would have to say it must feel like loosing your son for us. Thank you for your sacrifice. I felt what the cost felt like to you and Jesus. 

Thank you for diving deep with me. 

God bless. 

No child is happy their Mama gave them away

No child is happy their Mama gave them away. We are grateful someone showed up to take her place, yes. But to slap happy over a very sad thing is ludacris. I was sad my Mama chose to give me away and to not open her precious gift from God. I was sad for a world that could support her in doing so. 

I speak for myself. And whether anyone else agrees is erelevent. I was and am grateful and yet I am saddened by my own Mothrts actions. And I am sad for a world that does this to children, expecting them to just not notice that their Mama walked away, and supporting her to do what society deems reprehensible. Society puts a lot on the station of the Mother. And adoption gives her some kind of out? 

I’ve heard what people say about Mothers who relinquish, and its not nice. I have over heard so many people who voice their opinions and heard what they said to me about my Mama in my lifetime.  Evidently they do not share their thoughts with the Mothers who relinquish? It is not nice stuff. Maybe that’s why? They don’t want to upset the Bio Moms who have done the things they uplore. 

Maybe that’s why my Mamas so taken back by my truth? No one showed her the other side of the coin before? I guess folks just patronized her.  It seems sad to me that society has kept her so blind to it. But I guess if she really wanted to know,  she has eyes to see. People do want kids with their families, but they know that the Bio Moms are messed up and will only hurt us more. I guess that is what Mama Jean was helping me with, not getting hurt. But she knew I would search for her. So she Tried to prepare me For the worst. I guess I did not believe her on how bad it was. 

I am grateful for Mama Jean. But I am sad about Mama Linda. And time has not helped her to see anything else but herself. She has not realized I am my own person and that my experience was not the same as hers. She chose. I lived with her chose, and it was hard on me. 

I am grateful to be here. I am grateful for Mama Jean. I am sad for Mama Linda missed out on getting to know the being God sent to he door. That’s all. It’s not easy telling your mom what they say on the street about her and what she did. I wanted her to know I still love her and I forgive her. I just can’t forget. 

Thanks for diving deep with me today. 
God bless