My Mama thought is was ok

And now she sees it was not. What does she do? Block me. Like what the fuck! Who does that? My Mama. Like ok. Moms rock the cradle. Right? But my mom? Passes the hot potato and can’t own it. Ugh. 

Like I am a gift and she re gifted me? Like she just passed, like it was a card game. And I am supposed to be happy about that? Who does that? My Mama. She just moves on, throws me into darkness and just washes her bathroom. 

And then she calls it good? I grow up. Thinking surely she’s made a mistake? And no. She feels like she’s perfectly vindicated by throwing her child away? I’ve missed her forever? What kid doesn’t miss their mom? No kid. That’s who. 

And I muster up the courage to come back and find her. And she mad. Like literally mad. Insane more like. No remorse. No I apologize for doing you like that? She blocks me. Kind of like she did to me at birth? Sooooo messed up. 

She acts like an egg donor. If that is a name? She acts like a dead beat mom. Hiding. And blocking. And saying I am not hers. Who does that? My Mama does. 

She says she loves god? I am not sure who she speaks of? Which God? The one in heaven? Or the god of this world? Not sure. 

This is the life of this adoptee. Maybe all you other adoptees got some other kind of mom. But mine is like this. Self absorbed. Self centered. And selfish. Maybe your bio mom has remorse. Or maybe she’s sorry about doing her child like that. But my Mamas proud of herself I guess? 

She just wants to go on skipping through life, telling herself I did what was best for me. Is that what Moms should do? My Mama thinks so. I guess? 

I am ashamed of her actions. I pray she gets right with God. The god of heaven. You know, the one that sent me to her? I pray for her cold heart that left me with a stranger she never met. 

Today moms get so much shit for not checking people out, and my Mama did the unthinkable.  Excuse me for not being happy about it. Excuse me. 

My kids may not like some of the things I have done. True. But look at my role model? Thank Gid Mama Jean showed up to show me how to be a better Mama. She loves me beyond how I came to be. She did not give a shit I was illegitimate. She took me in and raised me. 

My Mama calls me crazy now. And so she calls Mama Jean crazy by saying that. I don’t think Mama Jean should meet her at all. She can’t own her shit. And I do not respect that kind of behavior at all. 

I may love her. Cuz she’s my Mama and the one I came from. But I do not like her actions at all. It’s so messed up. 

They say and have told me she loved me soooo much she gave me away. Well. That’s funny. Her love has dried up. And I don’t think she had any for me at all. Mama Jean showed me truth. Mama Linda showed me lies. That’s not cool. Especially from a professing Christian. 

She claims to love God. And turned her back on me when I told my truth. The truth that being adopted is hard. And it. I fun to grow up without her. I guess she was right to give me away. 

She did not have what it takes to raise me. Faith. That’s what she lacks. Faith in God. And faith in herself to do the job God asked if her. I just shake my head at it all. As I sit here and she still has not shown up to apologize for doing her own daughter this way. 

My sisters are no better as they sit and watch it all unfold. Or maybe they want her outed? Maybe they want her to pay for what she did to us all. Tearing us apart like this. It’s sad. 

Children look up to their Mama’s. We make mistakes. Yes. But those who own them gain respect for being honest and real. I did my best with my kids. Look at what I had on my plate? 

One Mama who threw me away, and one who showed up to clean up her mess. 

God bless. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s