I love and respect her with all of her portion of my heart. And that’s good. That I have shown her and you for that matter my struggles and show the love of a child for her Mama. Don’t you see? My life is full of love for her as well as the woman she gave me too? I stand for them both!! I raise my sword of truth and strike at anything that has made eaithrr of them feel they missed the mark and I truth shows that I saw all that we were up against. What our odds were and what we triumphed over. For this is triumph. To say it all here and show you love is still alive in us all disputes what we all struggled with. For we all have. Even as each person struggles.
Discussions are hard. What we live with after our decisions is what makes us strong.
Though she silently went on and hid herself, she silently sent me prayers for strength to grow and be the best I could without her. She has scaraficed a life given from her womb for another woman to gain what her body could not supply? And my struggle just shows that even though she thought her scarafice would not be seen or felt? It was felt by me, the child that grew from her? And that I gave and give it my all. But have reached maturation and desire them both fully in my life. Because they are both there within me.
My Mama did not have a good feeling about my future with her. I get that. What she did not colulate was my struggle to do so? Nor did she truly realize the incredible bond I would still have with her? A bond that defies all societal understanding. And a bond that can not be severed ever. It’s written in my DNA to love her. To recognize that your. Hold struggled is not to say you failed. Oh my no. But rather it says you succeeded.
To give birth to a child who never forgot you for one second is an amazing thing. It means you have a truly amazing connectivity that is rare and magical. It say that although we were separated, we stayed connected. That is extradinary. A god link. A miracle beyond what the mind can imagine.
I have love the part of my Mama she gave me in the 60’s for years. Her wild and spontaneous self, her badass, fast driving self, her smoking self, her wild child self and her lover of god self. I have loved and cherish that woman who bore me. She’s amazing! And she fiery and gusty and full of love for life and nature and people and most of all, more of life.
I have loved the part of that woman who got with a wild man and made me in the back of a Chevy with passion. She’s my guru. She’s my goddess. And she’s my teacher from the fibers of my being. I love her very much. And Mama Jean is there too. Her words and love and guidance are echoed into my soul. And I am grateful for them both.
But when I came clean and showed her ( my mom in me from the sixties) my Mama, she had forgotten her? And she had kind of condemned her. That made me sad. Because I love her most because she’s real and raw and amazing. It was as thought my mama could not see herself there any longer. She was under a spell that deemed that part of herself as less than and I truly feel that part of her is her most beautiful side, crowned with supreme humanity and grit. I hail that part of my Mama because it was that part of her that gave me strength to live my life without her.
See I sound like my Mamas and I walk like them both . My house looks like a mini version of theirs combined. After 30 years without her, the day we met was like coming home to body. Seeing her, their with my children was magical. And they loved her so. They knew she was valuable because their Mommy talked about her and they saw her value. And they also knew Nanas value. We all saw her there. Each woman fully seen in me. And both equally spectacular.
And remember my love for her takes nothing away from Mama Jean. She has her own special place inside me too. There is enough love for all flowing from within me for all that I love. That’s the truth for us all. We just need to believe it. We live in an infinite world. Lack is our idea? And it’s limited.
My Mama was 25 when I came to grow inside her. She was young and passionate and looking for more in life. That’s a good thing. But to have more you must walk away from what you have to find it. She ventured out into the world for more. I was just not what she thought that more would be? And felt that my life would be better served with a family that could not bare a child. So she sent me to them. And trusted god would take care of me.
But I struggled coming from such an amazing person. I missed her so. All the time. Like most kids sent away to camp. I longed for the day when I could go home. Back to the one I came from? And thats not bad for anyone? Except if you didn’t prepare for it? Then it takes a bit of updating and preperation to adjust to the new addition that is now coming back into her life. The one that only left in body but stayed in spirit.
Mama Linda lived so long without my physically. She’s always held me in her heart. But now I am real and so different than who she thought I would be? It’s a struggle for her to remember herself back then? Spontaneously and boldly I show her the beauty again in the woman who I was made from. It’s hard work to wake your Mama back up from a dream and show her who the dream came to be, beyond her wildest dreams and nightmares. I show her her beauty again.
And that is a good thing!
Thank you for diving deep with me today.
God bless you.