Why else would she be so spun out? People brush stuff under their emotional rugs and if we don’t take that rug out and beat the dust out the energies live there forever! And when I get around my Mama she just gets all turn around. Just like my Daddy made her feel.
Like look at it? He lives inside of me. His DNA is in me. She says I look like him! And so all those feelings she has back when she was young and 25 come back up and it unnerving! I get it. Ive had that happen to me.
But I don’t run from it or push it away. Like I still love all the boys and men I shared time and love with. To say different dishonors the love that we shared. Love is love. There is no wrong in love given and taken. So I trust that. I hold good memories with those people and am not going to hide that because it might make someone feel uncomfortable! That about them not being able to see the good there in those feelings?
My Mom seems to feel conflicted about the feelings I draw up when I come around. And that more about what she told herself so she could live without me, than about me? I’m just a child god made from her. That my DNA acts and looks like a man she loved at one time when she needed some crazy passionate love is a good thing. Cuz I’m real. So my Daddy was real. He did not try to be something he was not. He was who he was.
But she was looking for maybe something else? Evidently she was, they broke up and moved on. And then she found out I was on the way. And he was not there? And she got scared holding the bag of gifts he left her. And she, in her fear, felt surely God had punished her for daring to love again? Passionately I might add.
And that’s just church reteric. God doesn’t say love is wrong? It’s man made Doctrines that have. Rules have been formed by fearful men. And woman. God does not work in fear. So my Mama needs to face her feelings about my Daddy. She needs to embrace them. Cuz they are hers from long ago and there is no shame in them! None! She is cover in the blood. Grace is her gift from God and was always hers. She took her own favor away. Not god? Her own ignorant ideas that she got from society and the church did that to her. She thought it was truth and it was a lie.
Just cuz she picked up a bug or a lie does not mean she’s bad? No. it’s like picking an apple off a tree and finding a worm. The worm actually shows that the apple is very sweet. But most people scream and throw it down. You could wash it. Put the worm back on the tree? Cut that part away and eat the rest. But we just throw it away?
Things in life don’t always go the way we think they should. But that’s the thing. God has lessons for us to learn. And we must maintain a flexibility about life’s ups and downs. A tree bends with the wind and rain. And still have roots that hold it down to weather what comes.
My mama needs to take heart. This storm will bring a freshness that she’s needed since the day I left. Because a child is a gift and nothing else. My love is strong like a shot of whiskey and an unyielding tornado. And sometimes whiskeys hot when it goes down, but it warms you and settles the nerves. A tornado may blow in like an unorthodox wind that’s uninvited, but it clears away the bullshit. So we can see the treasures that were only covered in shit and debree.
Love never fails. Just cuz she thinks it hate. Well that’s just cuz she sees, she still cares for my Daddy and she may think that’s wrong, she cares for my dad in me. She told herself she didn’t care. And god brought me back to show her she still did and to show her it was a damn good thing!!
She gave birth to a strong baby girl that don’t even take shit off her Mama! That’s a good thing! Cuz she wasn’t there to protect me! I had to pull myself up by my own boots straps and be a strong baby girl. Nothing wrong in that? Not at all. But evidently she’s not hanging out with woman like me much?
Cuz I sent her flying sideways! Lol. She so cute throwing scriptures at me like bottle rockets. Like I’m some demons seed from the deep. When she brandished her chefs knife at me when I came over to her house, I just thought,” what in the world is this woman thinking?” And loved her anyway. She asked me what I was doing with her grocery bags when I picked them up? Lol. I mean whatever lady! I told her,”taking them in the house?”
She called the cops on me? She definitely turned around if she fears me? And I was there to make chicken soup and drink wine? I brought gifts for my sisters and my kid. What did I get? Some wild eyed woman who calls the cops on her daughter for coming up unannounced because she changed her phone number? That’s just Loony. Like she’s been watching to much horror movies and needs to watch some love stories. Geez.
She probably won’t like this post. Its to revealing. But she been hiding behind that sour curtain of life For to long. She gone batty. She needs a real daughter. Not a pet that follows commands, or who follows only her script. Life’s not like that honey! We have to roll with the punches! I did. At 2 days old I might add!
Love is also tough. Love never fails.
Thanks for diving deep with me