For my life has not really made sense at all. As I travel this life given to me by god through a woman who seems to. Are not for what was made from her flesh, I am stopped cold in my tracks.
As my children that we made by god from my flesh, have turned away from my struggle. And seem as cold as she. I did not do them as my own Mother did me and yet, they seem as she? It is a twisted and ever spirally reality that I am unable to turn away from.
I will go on. And tomorrow will be a new day, fresh with no mistakes in it. But today is bittersweet to me the child relinquished as I have waited so long for my Mother to come and yet she choices not to still.
What makes a woman act like that? What makes children act like that towards a Mother who has given all? Have I not loved the Mother my Mother gave me to enough? Have I not given to her all that I could? And yet in side of me is love that can o my go to one woman and it does not diminish the love I have for my Mother given to me one bit.
For her love, the woman my Mother gave me to has expanded my ability to love even more. So much so that I wish to share it with the woman God sent me to first. For as she spewed her venom at me over the phone, I only loved her more. As Mama Jean did me.
I know not where this love should go? I love myself. There is no less love in me for myself. And yet why does my heart wish to share this love with a woman who appears to me half mad? And why did God lead me to her so precisely? I begged God to take this love for her away. Yes I did. I felt guilty for loving her so deeply. I hated myself for it for so long.
But I have resigned to it. For this cup will. It pass and my love is still strong for her and for Mama Jean as well. Is there not enough love in me to love away this madness? I have loved people who have been cruel to me. I have loved those who do. It feel they deserve love. I have given love to those no one seems to love and yet my Mother has not come?
My Mother seems quite satisfied with herself and her decision. She seems at peace with her own status quo and my sisters seem to agree. It’s a twisted game they play with a heart so filled with love for them. And they seem blind to that love. I wonder. What Bible they read and whom they serve to treat their flesh and blood like this?
For I have continued to knock at their hearts door as the Bible’s says. And yes I have pounded and yelled from the worlds street, right here. And yet they seem to be unphased by my call. They seem very happy that I am excluded from their club. And yet my very fibers link me to them? How can this be? That people can be like this?
And I know the answer for it has gapped before a long time ago. And it seems that people have not learned from the lesson we read about in the New Testament? About a child born without a father who was a man made by god.
Thank you for diving deep with me tonite.
God bless you.