I feel like a little child on a couch these day? An adoptee

These days, I feel like that child. Sitting on a couch, watching the cars go by. You know? And they jump up and run to the window and look to see who it is. Cuz they are waiting for their Daddy or their Mama to come pick them up. You know? And the sun comes up. We eat lunch. And sit and jump up and look. And then the sun begins to set. And we eat dinner on the couch so we don’t miss anyone and are ready. I imagine like those brides they talk about in the Bible, with their lanterns oiled up and ready, they wait for the groom.

And lately since I have come out with it. My ugly truth. I guess the little girl inside me. You know the one I let make a mess up here in my blog? Cuz she had played the quiet game for Mama Jean and been so good to hold her tongue and be so strong to go through all this. That little girl inside of me? Yeah, since then. Since I let her have her tantrum all over my blog. I sit, on the couch I imagined in my mind. In a special room, I painted just so, and filled with wonderful things. That had a full kitchen with all the bells and whistles in it. There’s a fancy stove that cooks like a dream and has convection. You got to have convection! And pots and pans. The finest money in my mind can buy, which is pretty damn much money. Well if it’s in your mind there is no limit? Right? Except what you say. No expense was to much for this room. And it’s got a nice bed to rest, and have sleep overs together. This very special room I made up in my mind. For a lady. A special lady.

And as of late. I guess I’ve been on the couch waiting. But she’s not shown by up?  And the woman inside me sees and sits with the little girl there, she sees, that she did not show up. And that she ain’t comin. I mean look at it. There. There it is. Her ugly truth. And maybe I put to much into what a Mother is?  Maybe we all do? I mean really. Who is she when God is your mother and father. I guess I see…… I am Gods child.

And god does provide for me. It’s amazing how god does it. But I am always blessed and provided for. God sends all kinds of people to bless me. Even uses mean ones to help me. And drunks ones and drug addicts. It was amazing how God provided for me and the kids when I got my last divorce! And the divorce before. Hey. Don’t hate. I am an orphan. We are a bit different. Haven’t you watch Anne of Green Gables? Anne was a quirky little girl who read poetry and had friends in the glass cabinet of an abusive families house she lived in as basically a slave. But she was a bright, amazingly funny character. But I digress.

I see too. Back to the room story. That I need to, today. Before you all. Give that room to my Father and Mother God. And I need to let go of that lady. She a no show Joe. And I love her dearly. But god is way better to me than she is. And I think I need to stop looking for her. She’s busy. She’s working for god and don’t got time for the likes of me. I must be my fathers child,  I imagine she thinks that of me. Some crazy loon of a girl from one dick she ran into at the local bowling alley? Would that make her an alley cat by chance? Hmmm? I dare say?

My Daddy’s got some pretty good kids. Smart. And kind. And loving. Affectionate. And they come see me? Or I go see them? Well some of them I go to see and some come see me. But we write. And it’s more like family with them? You know. It’s nice having them in my life. Not like my sisters who could care less if I love or die. So my Dad may have been crazy to her? But after meeting both sides? My Dads won the prize for doing a bit better at raising whole kids, balanced adults. Yep. Huey Tidwell was a keeper. Not sure what he did to that woman. But maybe he didn’t do a thing?

But, Maybe she was the crazy one after all?

Guess that’s why she goes to church and counseling? She can’t figure shit out herself? Guess that God she serves is dead? She’s serving the devil maybe and doesn’t know it? She’s bought his lie hook line and sinker, and she got everything. More stuff than she can use. Guess that’s why I made such a fancy room? I knew it had to be top knotch to even get her attention?  All she seems to care about is stuff. When I went to see her she took me shopping and spent like 500! On herself! Must be fun being her? She loves herself a lot. And I see where I get that part of me that wished for finer things. But I never go without. God is good.

But I am glad God is my Mother and Father. They taught me that time is worth more than money can buy. And time spent with those you love is worth the time and energy you spend, making memories that last long after you’re gone and long after the kids have grown up. That’s why I didn’t have a out of the home career. I was a stay at home mom and only took jobs to catch up. But I did that cuz My Mama left me. I wanted my Kids to know what a Mama is like and to see I could be that Mama and see that god would bless me for doing that, for striving to be the best Mama I could. Considering I was an orphan.

It was hard doing that. Mama’s who sacrifice things to have moments give up all that ego stroking shit for soul stroking moments with the children God made from you. That’s a reward you get each day. And it lives on in your mind like a movie you love to watch over and over cuz it makes you feel good. Mental Cinema Therapy i call it. MCT. FOR SHORT.

Mamas’ all over have that Movie. One for each child and each moment. And if God had to take part of my brain that remembered names, to keep that palace with all those movies. . I’d let god. Yep. I would. I love those movies. They feeds my soul. When the kids are gone and busy.

Watching my babies grow is a blessing of a lifetime. Cuz they are still growing and learning. And I troll the internet watching it all. My son I have to go stealth mode. He’s all oo7 and shit. Making this and that. And selling it. Such a joy. He’s a shit. But most men are. Im still working on him. Ok. He’s a boy. They take a bit more training. If I want him to live?

But God. I give that room to you and Mom. She don’t want it. And it’s so nice. But I don’t know what I was thinking? You don’t need a room when you have my whole heart, mind and spirit. Lol. I know. What was I thinking?? You’ve never left me. You have always been there for me. Making sure I am safe as I can be in this world. It’s hard. There are some crazy people. They make babies and don’t keep them. There are those that stuck up. Those that hurt little kids like me. They murder and mame. This worlds a mess without you. I’m glad I got you to help me when times are rough and my backs against the wall. Thank you god. Thank you.

This has been the best therapy God that I ever got!! And it only cost my time and energy and the willingness to tell the truth. Thank you god. You are amazing.

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

May god bless yo when you tell the truth. The biggest issue is seeing other peoples truth when you tell them yours. Some folks can’t tell the truth from a lie. That’s a rough one.

Bye. Xo.

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