To My sisters

What kind of family is this?

What kind of sisters are you? That leave me out here to face my Mother alone?

What kind of sister read a blog that her own Mother does not?

A family that has been changed by adoptions is what I see?

Would you want me to do you like that?

What about the saying, “But for the grace of God go I?”

Is this how you all handing things? Just brush it under a rug? Let Mama go on and be crazy?

My truth is my truth, but it can change with your truth added?

Does our Mother have so much power over you all? That you can not see yourselves in me? This could have been you?

Our Mother has taught my daughter, who was not raised to brush it under the rug, to do just that.

I have not talked to her for months because she can’t take her Mother?

What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

And our Mother has deceived us all. She withheld my existence from you all. And you act like its nothing. It was a lie. To withhold the truth is a lie. And does Gods word say that is ok? And yet our Mother quotes scriptures and yet does not practice this one?

It pains me to call our Mother out here, but you, yes you have left me no course.

Have you reached out to me and lend me a hand?

Have you tried to help Mama understand me?

I get that she thought a lot of things about adoption and fed it to you. But my truth has shattered that. I am returned, and yet you still go on as if I am dead. Is that ok?

I feel as though you all think that I have disrupted your merry-go-round. But your merry-go-round was disrupted the day I was removed from this family.

What is so hard for you all to get?

What is good about not walking in your truth? And owning your experiences?

I could move on with you, but you want me to just drop it without being heard?

I guess Mama did you like that? Well, it is not ok? It is not healthy.

You guess think Chelsie is so great. I am surely glad. I think she is too.

I did not appreciate her leaving without telling me goodbye, no. I did not raise her by example to do so. And wish for her to explain herself. I guess she needs counseling to figure out the answer to that question. OK. She’s in her 20’s. We give her that.

But, I raised Chelsie, and Angela helped me. So, she is the product of me and my daughters raising. That reflects on me. And yet you can not seem to see that?

You expect me to be like you all. I am not. I was raised differently. By someone else. And so, need help, from you. I do not wish to be one person and then another in front of my Mother so she can think all is candy and cupcakes for me. It is not.

I miss her. And I would like a portion, a portion that is mine with her.

This family is needing some freshness and to revive.

Why do you see me as a threat? Cuz if I am not a threat you would help me. That is what I see. Help me understand?

I guess you all want me to move on so you can just stay the same? So you can have Mama all to yourselves? So this disruption called your sister will just go away?

God brought me back. I am the fourth leg to our Mothers table of life. That make her stable. She does not appear by her actions, stable.

I do not hate her for that. I hate adoption for that. Adoption has given her the misunderstanding that she can pass on me. That could have been any one of you.

Do you not see that? Or do you just not want to see that?

And don’t tell me what I am doing is wrong. There is no manual for this, ok?

Lets see, page 5, getting along with the bio family? NO, there is no page 5, because there is no manual. So I am flying by the seat of my daughter pants here.

How to be a sister, page 11. There is no page 11 to help me after being raised an only child to help me know how to be a sister to you. That is what you know. But do you teach me?

This is what it is like for me, an adoptee trying to forge a honest, authentic relationship with my Mother and my family for that matter.

And leave my daughter Chelsie out of this. Do not use her being there to say that I am crazy. Adoption is crazy. God sends babies to the Mothers  God send them too. Mother give their babies away. Mothers do that, not God.

We all need to own our actions, I have owned mine and am honest about it.

I am a sinner saved by grace. Grace is unmerited favor. I am saved by favor, that I did not, nor do I have to earn. I simply must accept it. I own my missed marks. And I shoot again and again until I hit my mark.

My mark is to be a real sister, not some vagrant, showing up disrupting things. Our Mother is disrupted by me. Can you all not see that? And yet you let it go on? As if that is normal?

I keep showing up, Mama keeps blocking and saying she is done. What does that say?

Not anything good. No, nothing good at all can come from blocking and being done when the job is not done. The mess still there and no one to clean it up.

Must I clean up the fact that  God sent me back and this is what is there?

Are you saying I made this mess? By being born and coming home and wanting a real relationship with my family?

I show this here so folk can see what adoptees have to put up with. I show this so the world can learn what coming home looks like. It is hard and many truths hurt, but truth stings and yet it cures.

Are we as a family not able to work through this? And adjust?

WE can and will get through this, if we faint not in our well doing. In due season we shall reap.

Thank you for coming here and reading my blog, and learning of what it is like being me, an adoptee.

 

God bless

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