Is my relationship with my Mother about her? or is it about me? Is it about how she sees me? Or is it about how I see myself? I think the two are connected and need to be disconnected. Or rerouted if you will. I believe that my internal dialog is needing a change. Because clearly she can not see me clearly. I need to clear the air, of what my Mother thinks of me. And so clear up how I see myself, beyond her story of me.
I write here to help myself by writing my feelings out. And so I get them out of me. And when I write she responds, which gives me insight to how I got here in the first place, emotionally. As you read the blog posts containing her emails about what I say in regards to her, you see where she is coming from is very closed minded. My mind has been opened by adoption. I was forced by being adopted to face a life without my Mothers ideas about things, and so I became expand in my thinking process.
As I share myself with the world I gain more confidence in my own light within, beyond my Mother dim version of me. She evidently does not realize that birth is a public event, and adoption makes it even more public. She hid me. Which was a mortal left turn for her. Because I was raised to be public, to be truthful, and to be accountable for myself. I was raised to articulate myself. I was raised to be comfortable in discomfort. Adoption is not comfortable. It is change at the core. And so I understand change well.
I also see that communication is very important in relationships. My Mama Jean and I communicate about everything. My mama Linda and I do not. That does not mean that we could not begin to, but change would have to be accepted as the norm. And Mama Linda does not like the change that I represent. Or seems to not.
The church song we learn growing up says, “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.” And yet Mama Linda would like me to put my light out. That seems strange to experience, since I know she knows the song. And yet she does not seem to embrace its core meaning. Does the sun just go away when we do not want to see it? No, it still shines. And the plants on this planet benefit from the suns light. Does not Mama Linda realize that each of us has a light that benefits all? That each of us is important?
I am important to my family in this. My light of truth shines on the darkness of my families minds that do not understand me or what adoption has meant to me. And so they are in the dark. Not everyone wants the light turned on. But does the sun dim itself? Yet my christian family of origin does not seem to understand this concept? How can this be?
Well, I was relinquished, which means my light was removed from my family of origin. They have lived in darkness, without my light to shine on them. And I feel that God brought me back since seeing how my Mama Linda acts, to shine light on her mind of understanding. That she needs to evolve beyond her old story. But she has free will, that is not free. She has a misconception that she may do as she wills and it doesn’t not affect us all. And that is simply not so. It does affect us.
My sisters learned from her. They have been raised without even knowing me. They have lived a lie for years, without me, the truth. They have lived only having the three, when there are four of us. They, seem to like it that way. And yet it is an illusion that my Mother taught them. This is not reality. Reality is they have a sister. And you would think that sister would mean something special to them and it does not seem to be a special thing to them. They seem disinterested in having another sister.
Is my family better off without me? Do they learn without me? Have they learned with me. I would say yes. I would say that their minds have had to expand, and grow with my return. And that is difficult, growing and expanding. But is that a bad thing? Well, only if you tell yourself so. I have had to expand my mind at two days old. And I did not have a choice, the choice they seem to choose to want. They choice to stay closed minded. And that is perplexing to me.
I want to expand my mind more and learn of them and experience them. I wish to grow and learn to be a sister, and to feel what that is like. It seems my Mother has blocked that to. My sisters distance themselves from me. Maybe that is because my Mother distance herself from them emotionally. My Mother seems distant. And disconnected from reality, the reality of my return has not taken affect inside her she has not integrated what reunion means to us all. She does not seem interested in what God wants to do here with us as a family. She rules with an iron hand. My way or the highway kind of thing. Is this healthy?
Does my return only affect me? Do my sister worry about the unknown of reunions? I wonder if they have read any books on the subject to prepare? It would seem they have not. It is as though they do not value what god has brought into their life. It seems they are irritated by my return and wish for things to back and stay the same.
What affect is this having on my children as they witness what their grandmother is doing to their Mother? My children, all of them are not a part of the family I came from. Only one has been accepted, and embraced. My eldest was for a time. But does not want to be a part with a family that treats me in such a fashion. She will not play their exclusivity came. And wishes for them to treat me well. I am grateful for such a daughter. But my Mother reactions to me have an affect on us all. Her closed mindedness has an affect on us as a family. As they go through the motion, as thought I am not part of them as a whole. Is this healthy?
Is education bad? Is truth bad? Is me writing her of my trials and feelings bad? Should I just stuff it, like they appear to do? Putting their heads in the sand of life, not rising to their humanities as God instructs? If you have done it to the least of these, you have done it unto me. Does this scripture not apply here? Am I not the least of these? Have I treated them like they are less than? Have I not tried to be a sister as best I could, considering I have not been a sister in real life? Have I not told my truth so they could understand me?
This affect the world. Each person that is ignorant of adoptions affect is left in the dark. And my story lights up the world a little more. My light shows a place that needs attention. To say that I am ill is silly. I am perfectly sane. It is my family that does not have a true grasp of the reality of adoption and their sister who was adopted. I wish to educate them, and the world. So that we can take that knowledge and do better for the children of this planet. So we can be respectful to them and their lives, and their heritage.
If a Mother does not treat their child as a gift, what is gained. Does not the world seem a little darker for such ignorance? That is the question.