Got an email from my Mother. 

Got an email from my Mother.  Below is what she said

I am replying to you in hopes of ending your harangue against me and anyone else in the family. You have stated that you spoke the truth but you have not! You have omitted 10 + years that we were working on a relationship. The many times we had you up for family get togethers and the times I travelled to California to see you ( remember I was working at the time). And when you moved to Tennessee I traveled back to see you and went to your first singing engagement. How we flew you out at Thanksgiving and I took you shopping for clothes to wear when you went to recording studios and we gave you a van because your car was over the hill and your drove back with a car with many toys etc for the kids. How Phil was going to manage you and we flew back to get started on that and he took you around to the places you needed to go to and be introduced to recording people. But when we left, you did not do what you and Phil had agreed you would do and he was totally disgusted with what you were doing and he quit. He did not reply to your calls or letters etc because you didn’t listen.  
I don’t read your emails they go to junk but I have been told how you have bashed me for giving you up for adoption on your blog. I have read some of the blogs now.
I did know who your new parents would be and granted we were not acquainted but I did find out about their reputation. I had no idea nor did anyone else know what would happen to your parents marriage. Ok, you lost me at birth and then you lost your dad when your parents divorced and he was your go to for snuggles. Then you lost your first husband when he cheated on you. A lot of losses I will admit, but we do not hide these truths and act if they never happened.  
Had I heard how hurt and in pain you were at the time we reconnected 24 years ago I could have tried to get you some help….because you did not articulate that very well. You are not the center of the families attention and we do have other things that we deal with on a daily basis.  
My God is not your God!  

Jesus was not illegitimate! God, the sovereign Lord of all was His Father! Read the scriptures…. and Joseph was His step- father! God is not in all things… He is not in sin!! (i.e.: your god in all and all in god).

Read Deuteronomy 18:10-14, 2 Kings 21:6 and all of Psalm 26. I am guilty here because I am arguing with you! Jesus spoke His truth to lift people up and give them a hope to look up to and receive His grace! He did not tear people down! You say you speak your truth but it is meant to hurt me and the family and get even….. and YOU do it publicly!! You do need medical help. How is all this working for you?
You have lied, lied and lied! There is no turning back from what you have done. No hope anymore for a reconciliation. You have burned the bridge and I doubt it can be rebuilt. You burned it with your irresponsible, hurtful and narcissistic actions! No one wants to hear the same old story again and again. You have dug your own hole and you can’t get out. we had a chance but that is long since passed.
And Chelsie is not you! She is a loving, wonderful young woman who loves the Lord and is striving to improve herself. Yes, I am proud of her and how well she is doing. I do not discuss you with her because it is so painful for her. If you truly love her you will back off and let her come to grips with her past. She has a wonderful new counselor who is really helping her but all it does is send her into regression when you have to poke at her. A loving mother realizes this.
Truth when it hurts someone is worth nothing!! Truth spoken in love and compassion can accomplish a lot. But, that is the key. Blasting lies and half-truths on a blog is not the truth!! It is anger and vengeance!
You have a mother, one who loves you, who gave you all she had raising you and now you need to focus on her! All I was was the carrier for her baby. Enjoy her! 
This is my return email below. My life is an open book for folks to see the reality of adoptions affect on us both. 

The part about Jesus. From the worlds stand point Jesus had no father. From the viewpoint of people who did not believe Mary’s story about god impregnating here is what I am trying to show you. God makes all babies. But evidently the Jews did not believe her story. What do you think folks taught about her? Jesus did not have an earthly father he came from? She conceived him without being married at the time? Which in societies eyes is illegitimate. You did the same thing. You were not married to my father. So by societies terms, I was illegitimate. From gods terms I was a gift. Your gift. You gave to Mama jean. Why? And why Did god make a way for me to come back to you? Why? For this? I speak MY TRUTH. Not yours. There is a difference. And if you think I am attacking you all with my truth? Then that kind of says my truth is your truth. If it was not you would not be so upset. Anyone knows that folks who know their truth do not get so rattled by another’s truth. If you understood that I obviously wish to get real and have started the process by telling where I was coming from. 

And yes. I remember that we were starting our relationship. And that after Phil left I had three kids and a husband as well as a long list of things to do to get my music career going. Of which I was unable to do. Shoot me. Excuse me for not listening to instructions and being able to juggle all that! Whatever. You come and tell me what to do and leave. That is not management. Who had Phil managed? I met some managers. And they did not do that. My friend SHELLY, her manager did way more. Remember. I worked there after my divorce you told me I was out of gods will doing? 

Developmentally I was not ready and overwhelmed. Extremely overwhelmed. 

God by the way is everyone’s god. People call him by other names. Like hello! If we speak other languages and live in other counties god does not appear the same. That is only logical. Why would a white god appear to a black person? Jesus or no one is illegitimate. God makes us all. That you gave your gift away shows where you were? And that you still struggle to not see me as a gift. It’s psychosis, which is the inability to see the reality. Because you don’t have all the info. 

Do you guys just read my shit to put me down? And prove that I am crazy? CUS I write to show my side so we can see each other’s side. And so adoptees can see a family heal and integrate. But I only see my truth and your crazy aaa actions because your all blocked me. I am your daughter for god sake! It is crazy what you say! God sent me to you! And then sent me back to you! Look at that! I love you. Even if you are turned around and choosing to judge me and not understand me. Like who does that? No I am not happy being Pinocchio!! I am a member of this family!! End of subject! And the way you treat me is like shit! Right now not earlier. Who would be happy when they finally told the truth, her family turned their back on her? I attack your thoughts!! Not you! I hate your thoughts! I hate that I missed you and still do miss you! I want to be a real daughter and real daughters fight with their mothers. Look at Chelsie! She’s fighting with me now. Passive aggressively, but she’s fighting with me. For what I do not know? But at least I am trying to be as honest as I can considering I am the only one talking? These thought are weeds and must be cleared. My sisters don’t want to make room for me. That’s codependent. 
You act like we just pick up and move on. You did that. Not me. I missed the hell out of you woman!! You are my Mother! I will not back down from that! And you just look like a loon by rejecting me agains and again!! Look at what you are thinking about me. Stop taking it personally. Unless what I am saying is your truth? Then own it. Ok. Own it. I have owned my nasty truth before the whole world, I own my shit. And yes. I am mad as hell at the ignorance between us. 

Your damn right I burned that sucky relationship down! Mama it sucked. You got shit that needs to be dealt with and forgiven. 

Bringing up Nashville? Like how bout you forgive that shit too? Practice what you preach too. I was overwhelmed!!! I move to Nashville! Had to work. Had three kids and a husband. My neighbor dies and I quite my job cuz her kids needed someone to step in. What is your deal? See? You don’t know all that. A real mom and daughter relationship would. It would not be like this shit show. 

You can rebuke me all you want. But your barking up gods tree mama. God brought me back for a reason. And this is part of it. Healing takes work. You don’t want to work for it. You just want the cookie lollipop relationship. But cookies need to be baked. Ok. 

I am uploading a video on YouTube. And don’t give me shit. This is why I came here. To report what adoption feels like to change it. No child should feel like I did. And I am not the only one who does feel this way. People come to my blog each day. Watching us. Watching you mama. To see if there is hope for them. Wake up. 
Like Job. This is on your plate. Push it away all you want. But your messing with god. Yep. You all are out of wack. And not on track. It makes me sick we are like this as I know it does you too. I know you love me. But this is clean up time mama. Update time mama. We must work to purge and adjust. We ARE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER!! Argue with DNA! Good luck. 

I am praying for you to turn around. I am here with my arms open. But I am firm in my stand. Firmer each day. 
I guess I’ll post this on my blog so who Evers reading it can inform you of what I say? Ridiculous!! Who does that? My Mama. She does not go to the horse mouth she gets hearsay from her daughter most likely. Ones who are codependent and enabling my Mama to stay in her delusion of grandeur. 

Love is tough Mama. Thanks for emailing me. That was a step in the right direction. These weeds must be cleared away. Thoughts are what I attack. Yours, not you. 

How about we get the full story? This family acts like I am not part of it? You treat me as if I am assassin! I am your daughter for god sake! 
If you don’t email me back? This whole things going on my blog. People need to see what adoption does to families when a child returns. This is ludicrous that we can not work this out better. Chelsie should be upset and it not all my deal. Chelsie Lynn left without saying goodbye. I did not raise her like that. And now she blocks me, just like you. Thanks for teaching me daughter such a thing and tearing down all my hard work! Relationships take more than one person. Look at how you talk about her mom? Look at that. She’s trying to survive! I am a good mom who’s trying to get her mom to stop acting crazy!! 

Belinda 

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