Like what a drama queen. She is dramatic. But I expected that. I mean she not looking at the fall out my kids and I have had. Why? Well obviously she asleep? Sleep walking. So why does she expect that just because I am all raised that we will not go through our teenage rebellion? Like come on Mom. Get real. Real daughter fight with their Mothers!! I am real.
And I want us to just get real. Like my mom and I have been playing parts. We paid parts given us long ago. And for god sake. It’s 2017! Throw that old stays quo out baby! To grow we must let go. And that means both of us! All of us fit that matter. We must let go. But what is letting go? What does it look like? People say let go? How?
Well. To let go of something. We must become conscious of it. I mean if you don’t realize that your mascara is running? How can you fix it? And my moms just running an old program. And wam!! He come Belinda who was Stephanie. And bazam! Bop! Pow! It knocked her clean over and messed her hair up! And don’t mess her hair up! Ok?! Just don’t.
And so she’s a little perturbed at baby girl for messing up yet mogo. Without me. Like she was getting used to the pain. Like a runner who loves the pain? Yeah. That’s her. Totally loving the pain, her pennance. Her cross. And who am I to come along and heal it when she had just found the right setting. The pain was now numb from all her stories she told herself. Like what else was she supposed to do? She don’t know? But, well. She was resigned to it. And what I see, is god had another story.
And I had been on auto pilot. But my pain never got comfortable! I wanted to bust a cap in the pain! Bam! Mother trucker! Hurt me. And as I see my Mama scurry to hide her pain from the person she shares it with. It kind of funny. Now that I think about it. It’s funny. That woman so so tired around. And I guess my adopted Papa was right. Cyclone was his nickname for me. And I just blew in and turned her upside down. Shook her real good, I am taller than she. And boy did she have some shit in there!
And she scrabbled and did all this silly stuff? I was lord what is that? And the lord would say, this or that. Telling on her. Cuz God wants us to have our coming home with blessings and love and happy ever after. Like duh? What god would leave us like this? Right?
Jesus dies so we could have life. Right? Yep and what kind of life is a woman gonna have without her kids? All of them? What Mama don’t stuff those grown ass babies under her protective wing? Well, My Mama does that. But not with me? Well? She don’t. Ok? She don’t know what to do with me? Cuz she’s out of date folks. Her program done ended the day I came back. And she been just eating popcorn and crying and paying her pennance so long she done got stuck there! Oh my! No! Mama you’re stuck! Here let me help you! No, she says. Like a German. Oh my she’s stubbornly independent. But so am I. And I have god to mama. Yep.
Listen I am grown. So I got to put childish things away so I can see past that mask of yours to the core of you and also define where I end and you begin. It’s healthy what my Mamas and I are doing. We are learning each other again. Beyond their story. I let them into my world. But they got to learn my rules now. You see? Mamas got to learn too. My baby and I are learning. And she has not gotten that if she wants presents and mama to come visit she need to own up to her actions and let me in and tell me her rules. Maybe she hasn’t figure it become conscious of her rules yet?
I am pulling that my girls out do me and own up early so we can move on with this game of life. It’s no fun being outed and not let in to know the rules! Mama Jean didn’t like it. And it took me awhile to let her in. I was ulturned around about a lot. So many people said so many things. Ugh. My mind. Was tired. But god lead me to the answers I need to get real. God pushed me to speak the unspoken so they could adjust to my truth within. The one most kids hide for fear of a lot thugs. Rejection, withdraw of love and attention, shunning, turning away, and abandonment. Big one for an adoptee. Aka orphan. Big.
And those were the very things I needed to confront with telling my truth. And I got fed up with those challengers so I got serious and truthful with all of you. To show you healing can be done. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing? I had never done, letting your freak flag fly? I maintain. Much like my Mamas. We maintained the order of our lives. We kept the status quo. But I came to change that status quo. Every child does. And I am no different.
I burst on the scene with my heart on my sleeve. Brimming with love! And then pain showed up. Damn bitch I told her to stay down. But pain does not listen when she’s had enoug or when she’s reach capacity. No more room for pain! Got to purge. So some joy and happiness can come in. And that is what God showed me. Grace has got ya honey. That’s why Jesus died for ya. Tell the nasty truth too. Grace is over it. God holds no grudge. We do. God does not remember. We do. But we can’t forget until we cough that hair ball up. We have to make room.
And today. Folks don’t want that bad report, the truth. They want Disney. Like hello! Dory brought in around 189 million! We love that shit. But folks we have to look at reality around us. Reality in our families, at work, even at play. And these Disney stories are not reality. We each have realities. And if we don’t share our realities we get lopsided. We see only our own stories. And that kind of dumb.
I am glad that god gave me mind that can read actions. Cuz Mama Linda can’t talk about it. She just jammed up. Emotionally constipated if you will. Like I asked her questions and she says so little. Stammered and stuttered about things I asked. She has let life get grown over in the area of me. Weeds have grown between us. Weeds of thoughts that just don’t line up with the truth between us. Like my truth+her truth+our family truth=our collective truth. We need math. All of it to make the equation work. And our math wa way off.
I guess she might be comparing me to my sisters? Like, so and so did not act like this? What is the matter? I am doing this wrong? Well, ya. We can not compare. I am unique. Most certainly I am from a totally differnt set of circomstances and experiences because of being adopted. And her without that knowledge leave her psychotic which is nothing more than out of touch with our total reality.
And we need to tell the hard stuff. Or how do we learn? If we do not fall down? How do we learn to get back up? And each time we get better at standing. And god has covered all this in grace, unmerited favor. Which god does not just say. Oh. How cute Sally is playing in the puddle instead of getting up out of it. No. god corrects us. Telling us that we have gotten our Sunday best dirty, and need to take it off and go wash it. And that is love. Not hate?
My Mama acts like my truth is hate? She so silly and turned all around. And god is showing me how to lead her out. And I am shining my light in her monsters. And showin her that she was hurt long ago. And that I am touching her hurt and she is touching mine. It hurts!! Yes it does. But we must tend the wound. It has festered and is infected. For if it was healed we would not be at odds now would we? No. we would not. And my Mamas a proud woman, an independent woman. And there is nothing wrong in that, but if she can not look at the truth of my life? Well, we got work.
God is in charge here, not my Mama. And she got to get in line. Especillay being a Christian. She’s held accountable for the price paid for her. Jesus dies for the very sins she holds into. Mine and hers. But sins, or missed marks must be accounted for and corrected. And our course must change. The course of our family’s course has changed. It changed the day I was born. And they have been going on a course out of sync with the natural order you see? I was placed with her and must be restored there. For us all to progress as a family and as humans. We are no different than any other species that evolves.
I myself am no slouch and do not want to get behind. And we are behind if we do not get this. Just because we are behind does not mean finishing the race is not important? We must keep going. Keep reaching. We must get up and finish. And we do it with the light of our truth leading us to the path, and on the path. Our truth set us free to let go. Our truth shows others what to let go of. It shows the old truth that need to go.
Thank you for diving deep with me today.
God bless you.