Hell yeah my Mama Jean paid the price my Mama Linda said was to high a price to pay to raise me. And why should Mama jean have to do that? Well, she chose to by adopting me.
Of course I was upset my won Mother did not want me? Like hello? God sent me to her womb. And for years Mama Jean paid the price for it. But the reality is she just showed up to finish a job my own Mom did not want to. It’s not easy taking on a child another made. No. but she did.
She knows it upset me? She does not blame me for that? She supports me. The child she adopted has another Mother. And she got that from day one and told me I was adopt d when she felt I was old enough to begin to understand what adoption means.
She told me what adoption meant to her. And I got to hear from everyone what it meant to them. After being grown and having children of my own I couldn’t understand how my Bio Mom did what she did. I love my children. I don’t always like there behavior. But who they are and what they do are different things.
And I prayed. And god showed me how to find my Bio Mama Linda. It was then that I saw what and where my rejection issue came from. She did not want to have a relationship ship with me and first. And I prayed about that. God told me to keep going. I feel it is important for us to know where we came from.
After making contact and being turned away yet again. Which any adoption book tells a bio Mother not to do, I saw a side of adoption Mama Jean tried to protect and prepare me for. My Mama Linda did not want to know me becaus she had all these ideas attach to who I was and who I came from. Kind of sad. She did not do the mental work, nor the heart work. And when I came on the seen with my feelings and ways. It just drover her up a wall.
She did not look at this child, nor did she look at my ways as beautiful. No, she saw a mess. That reation is more about her and not about me. I was just a product from her actions.
But I was so turned around about who I was and whom I should be loyal too that it took me just blurting it out to get to the bottom of it. I don’t like it anymore than she did. For my truth was blocked and no even tried to be understood. Well maybe a smiggen. But that’s not much. And well. I guess the road back is just not possible. Something’s just can’t be. And I don’t need some fake ass shit. I wanted a real relationship with honesty, with my bio Mama Linda. I guess like the one I have with Mama Jean? Mama jean has always been honest. Even when I did not like her honesty.
And that is what I have learned from being adopted. My Mama Linda has no idea what to do, with all her scriptures lined up in a row, and devotional every morning. But when my truth came to call? When I finally opened my heart and showed my hurt and pain cuz she chose to not show up? She slammed the door on me? Like what? A Christian? A woman who professes to love God? And no empathy for the child God made in her womb? Hello?
Like something be not right here! Like something is not how her bible says it should be. And yet? Even though. Even though we don’t see eye to eye right now. And I am madder than a wet hen right now at ignorance in my Mama. I love her enough to do, like Mama Jean did to me, tell the truth. Cuz that’s the only thing. The only thing that will set us free.
Jesus paid. So, ok. I paid too. My Mamas have paid too. And now. Now is the time to speak out truths and let them set us free. Cuz once it’s out. There is no going back. There is no holding onto it. With our ugly truth exposed, those damn truths gonna have to go? Like a gossip who has been confronted. She gonna have to own it and change!
Now, my mama thinks she don’t have to carry her cross. She’s gonna hide. She’s gonna turn away and not witness what her actions did to me? Oh hell no. She will see, here, or on the other side. But her reward is lost if she does not get it now. I surely don’t want that. I want her to get free! And I want every Mama out there to get free too. From stories, from dilutions, from anything that is not the total truth. And we the adoptees need to tell it so they can adjust themselves. So they can let that go. So our truth can pierce that wound and so we can pour the love we have in our hearts on it and they can heal.
That’s why I write here. So we can heal. So we can see. All sides. And if folks are clammed up and hiding what is gained? Think about it. My Mamas in another mentals space about me. And she needs my coordinates to find her way but she so hung up, so tore down. Did I do that? Hell no? She’s been tore up for years and has just been dancing around saying it’s this or that. Today is he day of healing. If she will trust that god walks us through the darkness. To the other side. Walk with me. You will make it.
Weeping may indire for an evening, but joy come in the morning. When the light of truth is on and we see.
Thank you for diving deep with me tonite.