Do I think I make sense to you? NO, An Adoptee

Do I think I make sense to you? Hell no. But do I make sense to myself?? Hell Yes, but I have lived this life, you have not. And so, after many years of hearing well meaning folks tell me this and that, I decided to tell my side. Its not easy when folks are out to lunch about what it really is like living an adopted life and how complicated it is to even explain your parents and Bio this and Adopted that. It is daunting to say the least, and frustrating to say the most.

To have to bite your tongue is extremely painful, especially when folks think they have the 411 and think your the one out to lunch. After years of trying to work on an honest relationship with my Mother, I just threw the proverbial politeness towel in and said, fuck it, she needs the truth. If I have to hear anymore of her nonsense, I am going to scream! If I have to put up with anymore of her shallow, self serving, delusions I will bust! Like she has the biggest booger on her nose and no one has told her, hell how could they? She taught them? My sisters don’t know? They were kept. They have no idea how I feel, and she listens to them? WTH?

Have done like the good book says and knocked and knocked until my knuckles are bloody, I imagine Gods knuckles are bloody too, from knocking on some folks hearts doors too. I can see and feel how God feels being adopted and trying to get through to my delusional family in their own little world where I am the ghost in the room. But God finally told me I could just tell the truth, and I see why the killed Jesus now. Oh, yeah, I am just glad my Mama Linda is not a Pharisee? I would be dead my now, hanging on a cross. And what really sucks is she read the bible every morning? Like What? And yet, she has not opened the door of her heart to me? She clings to her bible and closes her heart to me, her child? Does that make sense? Hell no it does not make sense? That is what I am saying?

She tells me I need professional help? She tells on herself. And the professional is me, her daughter, you know, the one who has the inside scoop? Remember, I was inside her. And God has called me to bring her the truth so she can heal. But I bring it here, she did not want to see me face to face, so God told me to go to the air, where she could not hide.

Not an easy thing, taking your Mother on? Not easy standing up and telling your Mama the truth about how it felt to be without her? No, it is not easy at all. My Mama did not prepare for me, she did not read a book, nor did she even want me back? OOOOP? WOW? Like what? Not real smart. But that is what we have. She is a woman, way behind on her homework. And she just keeps digging her german descendant heels in. Oh, ok, thats real christian. And she teaches my Daughter to do the same codependent thing. Well, well. OK.

My daughter Chelsie thinks her Mama’s gonna take that lying down? oh, ha ha. I get knocked down honey, but when I get up, you better be ready. Mama’s angry now. And look behind me honey, Gods got my back. So good luck, your bout to learn a lesson. No wonder your driving that piece of junk car of my sisters, you didn’t even appreciate the car I gave you for practically nothing.

WE are family, ok? Which means we are a team. Which means that we need to know each other, our strengths and our weaknesses. And I warned you that I was going public and that this would not be hidden. Many are hurt out there by adoption and need to get healing and truth to set them free. And you are just looking like a bunch of yahoo’s. Not a good thing, but your choice. I tried to get through, but codependency is big in my family.

My Mother hides me for years, gets caught with her pants down when I show up. Then tries to turn me away thinking that God will just let that go. Then gets caught with her  pants down again when my sister tell her I made contact? Which God lead me to them. No private detective except God. Boo Hoo. WAA! If you think I am going to be kind when you have not shown me kindness, well, you reap what you sow. I did not sow this, you did and you need to see what it feels like if your going to learn? I felt pain? I lived? And I still looked for you? Still loved you? Hello? Grow up! All of you! Christians? Oh my? We have work to do.

My daughter Chelsie Lynn Gayheart has not talked to me for almost 5 years! What the hell? Like your damn right I am acting crazy? You help enable her to treat me with disrespect. Like grown up my ass. A grown woman should tell her Mother why in the hell she left without even saying Goodbye? That is what a grown ass woman does. You listen to me Chelsie Lynn. You better get yourself together, cuz I am praying for you. And if your not right with your Mama, you are not right with God. Look at me? My Mama and I are struggling? You could help? But no, you are just living happy go lucky while your Mama struggles, and while you just live in her good graces while she is clearly psychotic. Psychotic is to not be in touch with reality. I am trying to get in touch with her reality, but she just keeps pulling away, no matter what I do. So don’t tell me that being like this makes her that way? She has been like this for years, I am just calling her out, finally at my wits end.

To not talk to your Mama, is not right, it is not healthy. And if you have boundary issue? Well, tell me your boundaries? Articulate them. You know how. I am very patient, and I love you dearly. Enough to spank your ass on the world wide web when you have run and hidden from me. You think I am kidding young lady, you forget who your Mama is and how  God shows me things. Remember the time you left the theater and went to see a friend when you knew you were not suppose too? And I was heading out of town and felt a check in my spirit and sure enough you were not where you were supposed to be. And when you cam walking up and saw me across the street waiting for you? Well, I am waiting to hear from you. And time is wasting, your Nana has not seen you. I have not seen you. And this is nonsense. Childish nonsense, supported my my Bio Mother. And it is codependent as hell, text book.

Like I have respected your boundary as much as a Mother can, but enough already. This is ridiculous! Childish, and unchristian behavior for a woman who is working for a Christian organization. You are never to old to get a spanking from your Mama. And this is it. You pushed me to far. Leave me in the dark, come to my house with a posey after two years and get upset I am not happy to see you? Hell no! You need to come alone and explain yourself or send a letter? But show up unannounced and bring some boy and your friend and her child? Hell no! You know better young lady. I deserve better than that.

I have given my life for you! I have done all I could to help you. How many schools did we take you too? Did I get you a 504 to help with her hearing? Oh, your damn right, I am putting it on blast. And I could give two shits what you say about me, I have been waiting and waiting and cried myself silly, waiting for your ass to call and get REAL WITH ME! Stop using my Mother as a shield! You better contact me, I am praying for God to deal with you and you know what that means young lady. I don’t know what God will do. But if you really want to have a good affect, a real good affect, because being good to the down and out is good, but treating your Mother like this, just degafies it.

I do not respect your actions. Your damn right! I stood up for you when you were acting like a loon. Moved out at 17. Living God know where! I took teachers on, i faught for you! I stood up for you when you did not make sense at all!! Stand up for me! If I did something that has hurt you, chirp. How in the hell can I adjust if you leave me in the dark? And look at who is teaching you? Like whatever!

Hell I have stood up for gramma my whole life when folks told me to forget her ass! I stood by her. Damn right I am angry! What the hell! 

See folks, this is what adoptees deal with. I am treated like some kind of vagrant or something. There is no respect from my BIO family? They push me to the point of no return. I do not handle being treated like that at all well, and I will not apologize for it. I am an orphan for God sake? What do you expect? I lost my Mom at 2 days old and never grieved her loss. It is difficult when folks are so ignorant and cold hearted. It is hard when your won family lacks compassions and the understand to give them empathy for me.

I love you Chelsie Lynn, call me crazy all you want, you pushed me to far young lady. And you too family of origin.

Thank you for diving deep with me today.

 

God bless. Yes, God bless.

 

2 thoughts on “Do I think I make sense to you? NO, An Adoptee

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s