I may not be the best Mother on earth. True. But what I want to say is this, I showed up when my bodily phone rang. I showed up and welcomed the children this universe sent to me and I did the best this Adoptee could do. When you consider all the tales I was told about who I was and what being adopted meant, I did ok.
It is not my job to tell my children how to live, but to teach them, train them to be the best they can be. To help form them. To rebuke them when needed, to comfort them when I could, and to show them they are not alone, ever. To speak to them and put words of hope and training so they could be the best they could be. For that, I showed up.
And its not easy being a Mother, no. It is not the gravy job of wall street, with accolades, bonuses for performance, and pats of the backs of my colleagues. It is a lonely job with not many frills as we wipe the poopy butts and clean up vomit. It is not a glory job, while we work to train our kids to be tough and yet kind. It is not the job of the century where we make it to the front of forbes magazine for making it through the month on little pay. But I showed up anyway.
Motherhood is a journey of the soul, that calls those who show up to dig deeper. It calls us to dig our heels in and love like no other, with grit and with guts. Motherhood is a soveirgn call to arms, the arms that rock the children of the future. And that is why I speak of my struggles as an adoptee. For we must look at what adoption does to our future, when we choose to not show up for our jobs given to us by our willingness to conceive. Our willingness to open our wombs to be penetrated by a man, and launch that rocket that grows into an arrow. As we bare our children in pain, we birth the future.
Is adoption the real way? Is it addressing our societal programming and changing it? I think not. And I write here to show my pain and struggle so that you, can see for yourself what it did to me.
My Mother did not show up, she used her free will card. And another took her place, with little to nothing to go on, she raised me as best she could, considering she did not even meet the one who I was made from, considering the fact that she did not have an owners manual. I commend Mama Jean for her courage to do such a thing for me, and for my Bio Mom as well.
It irks me that after 24+ years the woman who’s life was bettered by my absence has not even sent a thank you card to Mama Jean. It makes me weap for a world so ungrateful for a woman like Mama Jean, who did not hesitate to take me on. Who tirelessly tended the child another woman threw away. Like trash. She went home after giving birth to me and cleaned her bathroom and thought that was all that was required of her.
I think it very telling that he room she cleaned was the bathroom, were we shit, and piss and clean ourselves. I think it say a lot about what she thought about me. Did her act of cleaning do the job? Hell no, for today she is still full of dirty thoughts about me. Her actions screaming so loudly and yet she can not hear. I speak for those children today that lie in a crib, reeling from the change that just took place, wonder inside without words, what kind of place is this,and where is my Mother, her face and voice and smell not seen hear or experienced. And that, that is what I want to change.
A Mother is a calling that should not be taken lightly, nor should it be aborted, or can it be adopted away. As I have seen in her eyes, I see a woman who has become numb to her calling. Her mind numb to the voice of me that come from the cells that live within her.
Woman, take your womb seriously. Woman teach your daughters to do the same. Teach them not to just give there bodies to any man, teach boys to respect the woman body. Teach, teach teach this away. We can educate ourselves out of this mess called adoption, so wrapped in such beautiful paper, and yet stinking like shit just the same. To not show up, is to not trust the universe that sent that precious child growing within you.
Children are the future. And if we just kill that future or reroute the future, what does that say about us? What does it say about our faith in a God so many churches preach from. We damn the future to do such a thing. And I charge every woman reading this to take it seriously. For the future is our only hope, those children with the gifts taken from our own Dna are the hope we seek. Do not throw hope to the wind.
Thank you for diving deep with me today.