My Mama loves scottie dogs and tea…. So glad you came by.. to read my story. xo
As I see it, from the childs point of view, I see, that adoption is mans free will choice. And from what I have felt from it, the child pays. So, its really not free at all now is it? In this world, we understand there is a give a take here. A balancing act here. God, moving through us, evolving through us, through our experiences. As I see it, God, within us all is experiencing it all. And God is watching it all, feeling it all. Just like Jesus, God within him felt the sting of mans rebuke at the truth.
What I see, is this. Our bodies see to a certain point, and God takes us beyond that point, if we are willing. And that we must speak the truths we have to get others. And what My Mama and I are doing is just that. God showed me this way, that no one seems to be taking. Folks go to Counselors and talk in rooms and our words are filed away where the person who needs to know those things are trapped in those files and what is gained by this? Is the person that you have issues with helped by this practice? No?
Its more like complaining to the wrong person. The person you need to talk to is the one who need the feedback to change. Issues are to me feedback loops of consciousness issues. And to break up a feedback loop, you need to go the other way. And the way God showed me was to go at my Mom, and to tell her the truth within me, so she could do something different.
What I have seen by my Mothers behavior is that a lot of the truths I have spoken here and to her, were her truth too. I have seen that we carry the same truths, that I am connected to her. I used to just be numb, and I just sat here, living like we were, wanting so much more, but not knowing the way. And so I prayed, for a way. Gods ways are not like ours.
WE hide things, we push them down. We paint over things, to hide the old. And what needed to happen with my Mothers and me, was radical, scrubbing of that overlay, to expose what was under it all. Like a rusty piece of metal, this was painted over, Adoption was the paint, but under it? Under what was done, was the heart of a child, who wanted to know her Mom. But what was holding us back was what God was working on exposing, so we could look at it, know it, and change it.
It is not easy coming clean with you MOM? No, our Moms are our leaders. And we respect them, and try to do what they have instructed. But there comes a time when we are grown, and we see it differently than our Moms. And those differences we see, are from our experiences. We have lived it, so we see others things, our Mothers do not. And, evidently my Mama saw what I saw, and it hurt her. Well, ok. I hurt, yes. Real bad, yes. OK.
And Now, I see. And ok. Now, we all know, that we each paid a price. Ok. But that is not just were it ends? Boo Hoo? Where I see it ending is when we cough up that old truth. And not picking it up again. We got it all out, we set it all free. And yes, it was a lot of pain, and sorrow, and grief. Yes. but that is the thing, I learned through all this pain and sorrow and grieving. I still love? I am not angry? Only hurt, with an angry response, like a reflex when stung, or stabbed, or poked. But the key emotions were hurt.
It is not easy getting in touch with those feelings, I know. But to be a balanced being, we must accept that we are spirits living in organic bodies that feel pain, loss, sorrow, and grief as well as joy, contentment, comfort and happiness. We can not always be happy? Not if we stuff negative feelings away? Like how does that work? You stuff it down, deep inside of you, and expect that the happy blanket will hide it? Hell no it don’t hide it? (grammar intended)
What kind of a daughter would I be if I did not miss my Mama? If I did not miss the woman who’s body I was formed from? Like does that even make sense? Hell no. Everyone loves their Mama. Even when they hate her. Even when the love tastes like hate. We love our Mama’s. Hate is not of our Mama’s, no. It is for the way they act, or the fact that we struggle to get them to understand us, and see who we really are.
But we all pay in the end. For this or that. For decisions we make. For the life we live. For our Mamas not keeping us. They pay for not keeping us. And our Adoptive families pay. But, we could try to pay it back to each other? How? By building a bridge. By working to see ourselves in each other. By facing the things in our kids that were in our husbands, boyfriends, and lovers. And to turn that around once and for all. We pay, doing this work that I am doing now. To tell the truth, be authentic, show your wound, be vulnerable. And then, watch God work too. For with every step we take in his/her name, God takes ten thousand.
Claim your pain. Own it. You worked hard to remember your Mother. Each of us is a bright and shining star of our Mothers and our Fathers. WE are the arrows God shoots to hit the mark they missed, again.
Thank you for diving deep with me today.