Today is the day I was born. For me, this day was not like most children born to their Mothers. I was born from one woman and then I went home with another. That event would mark me so deep, it would take me years to figure it out. I don’t know if I have figured it all out. But I know more today than on that day. The day I said goodbye.
Being adopted means that the child relinquished said goodbye to the woman god gave them too and hello to the one their Mothers gave them away too. It’s a bit of a stretch for such a young person. And it took me a while to muster up the courage to speak about it.
My children were the ones who had to hear it. For years? They could not understand what I meant. I am not sure they get it still? Like who can understand what it’s like to loose their Mom at such a young age? When they have never experienced it.
That’s a lot to experience. And I never wanted them to feel it. But feeling it is what helps you understand it. My sisters do not know either. I would not wish the pain I felt on them. But one day they will feel it. But they will have spent years with her and will have more than 9 months if memories to remember.
It’s hard to remember someone who has died. She was not dead. But she divorced me. But it’s hard to deal with as you can read here.
It turns you around. The world doesn’t get it. And you feel alone in your private pain.
Today is my rebirth. In April I went to my bio moms house and warred with her thoughts of me. And I took her accessment and threw it back at her. Because it was her truth about me, not mine.
On the day before I would have been conceived I tore out of her drive way after our verbal mistake fire. As she told me I was not her daughter. And I showed her my skin and told her that DNA links me to her forever.
As I spun out of her yard and peeled rubber with my Mama Jeans car, I left her shit with her. Cuz whatever she was seeing was not who I am at all.
The next day I spent in my hotel room listening to music from her era. The songs were full of love. And I felt my fathers energy with me telling me another story of love. And I do feel God began a rebirth for me. A new conception. Today is the day I would be born and I have done the work to let that other story go.
It’s not easy rewriting a story somcharged with negative energy. How do I know it’s negative? Well, my birth mom showed me. It was ugly. As she looked at me and did not see me at all. What she sAw was not good at all. And it did not feel good either.
Mama Jean never made me feel like that. And I needed to get to the bottom of why I felt so bad. Why I could not accept her love? What I learned was programming. Nine months of it.
And what was spewed into me was her shit. Not mine. I was just a baby. But she had other things she thought about me that just were psychic garbage. We are connected. And I needed to set her straight. Like daughters all over do. We call it the teens. And she and I never experienced the teens. And I was for the most part a good daughter who tried to follow the rules.
But there comes a time when you just can’t play that game anymore. So. Today. I am no longer that person she thought I was. I don’t really know what she thought I was? She can’t seem to tell me. But she did show me. With her actions towards me. And I can not heal her. She must heal herself.
But I will heal myself. And so I went about it like a badass warrior! I am worthy to be here! I am not a mistake nor am I a curse! I am a blessing. A perfect storm.
Today I choose to move on from her accessment. I choose to love me. And I left her hate of me with her. She can sit in that puddle alone. For I carried that shit for years not even knowing what it was. God is good. And gods ways are not like ours. But trust the process. Trust your body knows what to do and that the spirit within will lead you to your promised land.
Thanks for diving deep with me as I figure this out. Xo.