What exactly is gained when we dump old energies? What are old energies? I am so glad you asked me that… Because those are very good questions.
What is gained by dumping old energies?
What is gained when we dump, which is to delete, let go of, and speak or give a voice to, is that ones own inner energies, that need to be expressed, or lets say let out of the bag, so other energies can be allowed to come in.
What do I mean? Well, when we are growing up, many energies are taken in, by experience, by watching, and by hearing. My life for example, is a cacophony of many things. But the one energy I experienced at birth, was relinquishment. I felt the hot sting of my Mothers rebuke, and relinquishment of me to another. That one act would color my world for years. And would leave me reeling for years, trying to figure out what happened? And would leave me wondering about my own worth.
Many have told me that I was loved, yes I was. Many say my Mother loved me by giving me away. I get that. But what folks have not gotten is that a child, me, went through that, with no vocabulary, no explanation that was from her, and no comfort. That my friends is a huge pill to give a child. Now, if my Mother had died, I would have been allowed some time to mourn her loss, maybe get counseling, or maybe even been able to know a bit about her. I am not saying all children get this, for there are many that have lost a Mother, and have not gotten this, but, what I share here to to make folks aware that they should. From my experience, of going through life with such a big cross on my back.
Grief is an energy not many understand, and few embrace. I was embraced by grief, at two days old, actually, I was embraced by grief while still in my Mothers womb. I knew she was going to get rid of me. And feel that in fact she did attempt to rid herself of me before I was born, but it did not work. I also feel I was a twin, and lost my twin while in the womb.
I do not have any physical proof of this, but after all this cellular memory has been coming up. And with Gods help, I feel, this is true. My birth Mother, ashamed of her actions, struggles to even be able to stand being in the room with me. I have tried everything to help her, for twenty four years now, she does not reach out to me? She tells me that she has embraced me, loved me, and yet why did I know get this vital message?
Could it be that she rejected my first attempt to contact her?
Could it be that she did not jump at the idea of me coming back into her life?
Could it be the fact that she hid the fact that I was even from her from everyone?
Could it be that she said, upon my sisters telling her I had made contact with them, something to the affect of “Shit”? They told me this, it could have been another swear word.
Could it be that I can say nothing to please her?
Could it be the fact that she has daughter weekends and chooses to not invite me?
Could it be that after I stopped calling her on a regular basis, which was costing me an arm and a leg in phone bills, that she never called me?
Could it be her cold demeanor at my presence?
Could it be that there is only one picture of me in her home? After 24 years?
Could it be that when she drove past my town on her way to see our Cousin, to I imagine do damage control in regards to me, which was effective, Marcia now does not talk to me. And when returning her conscience got the best of her, so she called after driving by my town again? She told me she could not find me? Even though she found Santa Cruz? In all the traffic? But could not find me from her hometown, which she found? I went to see her, even though she did not have the guts to come make an appearance at my home, one she has not even seen since we built it.
Or could it be the fact that now that I have shared my feelings with her at how it really felt growing up with out her, she has blocked me?
Take your pick. Actions speak louder than words.
These are the things I have had to face after trusting God to find her. And these are things actions that stare me in the face, as I try to figure out why she does not reach back towards me.
I was not always so upset. I was full of Gods hope. I still am for that matter. But a part of me has begun to die, the part of me that allowed her to do this. A part of me began to grow, as she spurned me again and again. It sure got my attention, and the part of me that was naive, began to grow up. And that grown up girl, stood up.
This is where I chose to do it, so folks can see the struggle of an Adopted child trying to make sense of the life she was given. To show how I am piecing my life back together, my whole life. These are the thoughts I have held in, for years.
It is these pages I purge what energies that have been trapped, with no where to go, no one to understand them. It is here, that I turn the pages and let the cat out of my bag. To show folks a way to heal that society deems need professional help. I am the professional, I lived it.
What I feel is gained by dumping this in a public place such as this, is education, awareness, and hopefully, empathy and understanding for others who are called Adopted.
I don’t expect everyone to understand or even care, but there are those who will. And those who will, will change this world. My voice will and does change the game we call adoption. My truth shared here is my life, my struggle, and we can make it better, but we must know what it is first, we must hear what its like to change anything for the better.
My Mother hurts is what I see in her actions. She has told herself many things, but she did not know or hear my truth until now. And the courage it took to do so, took me 50+ years to gather up.
And her reactions and lack of action said volumes to me as her child, now grown, and raised by another. I do love her, and wish for a better day. But the trash must be taken out. And dumped, so that we can move on. Emotional trash that is.
The mind is not in charge of emotional trash, the body is. And truth is the only way to let it out. Straight up, hard, tough many times, truth, can set us all free. But we must speak it to the person with whom we made it, or created it, no other is what I see.
Many years I went to counselors, who misdiagnosed me, medicated me, took my money with no results. And one day I left an office of a professional who specialized in Adoption, so upset, because I was just paying her to gulp down my reality TV show, one visit at a time. I was tired of telling the story to a stranger, I need to tell my MOM. That was the only way to change her mind, and maybe save our relationship.
But it would not be easy, this mountain of emotions I had stuffed, was getting bigger by the day, and need to be taken out, but she did not want to hear it, so I came her. Where she could no longer hide. I took her invisibility away. I ripped the bandage off, threw some hot truth on her wound, so God could begin to heal her. Medicines not easy to take, but its needed if we wish to heal. And my truth was a two edged sword that was the only thing that would cut away from us both, the lies we told ourselves for years.
I am a badass for sure. I threw that scalding hot truth on her wound, praying it would cauterize the lies we both told ourselves while living. The lies we tell our minds are not the truth our bodies know. And each time I would see her, her body would tell me the truth she hoped I could not see. Oh, but I saw. And only a daughter who loves her Mother, tells her the truth, even when it hurts. She, her mind did not know this, for Mama Jean taught me that growing up.
Dumping is messy. Trash all crammed into a body, but come back out. And if one knows that another truth is theirs, and if one has done the work to heal, then another truth can not rattle you? but my truth rattled her to the core, so what I saw was her truth was much of my truth. We carried the same wounds, and I rubbed hers. Hers were very tender indeed. And she reeled at my touch, at my love, at my truth. I did not hurt her, she was wounded already.
I came back to heal it, like the gifts god sends to mothers. Children heal it. Only if we trust, and let them do their work. Its time for us to heal this land, this planet. Let us do the work that is before us as Adoptees, and tell our truths, so folks can learn what we felt like, so they know exactly what adoptions is to us.
Thank you for diving deep with me.
I know its not easy, but you have carried this for years, you are strong. Its time to dump this and lighten up our load. I care for you, I am your sister in this we call Adoption Nation. xo Know that I care enough to tell my truth, so you could see a way. xo