Cuz we are made of feelings. And when you share feelings folks don’t get? Well isn’t that what it’s all about? Stuffing fe longs that no longer or feeling you picked up along the way is healthy. Even if folks act hurt hearing or reading them.
What I have learned is that when you share your feelings and folks get upset? It’s more about their truth up agains your feelings. Meaning that there is a bit of your truth in them that they, don’t want to be made aware of.
This last year as I unraveled I saw as trucking difference in my Mothers’ responses. Mama Jean acted releived and Mama Linda acted exposed and blocked me. And tells a whole new story now does it.
One woman. The one who chose to show up, knew how I felt visually. One woman knew that too. But did not want to face it. Her feelings buri d deep within and not wanting to be expose to the light of day. So she blocked it. And one desperately wanting to move on. Mama Jean didn’t even flinch. Well, maybe a little as the words made their way to the air. It was like a thorn in our side being pulled clean out. It hurts. But not as much as leaving it there. She, was releived. Mama Linda was devestated by my truth.
It appears that she thought she could bury it forever. It god says in his word that all that is in darkness will be brought to the light. Guess she didn’t get how that worked. But I feel better having told the truth even though she did not appreciate that truth. She did not prepare for it. She seemed to not want to be mentally aware of it. Or wanted to stay in her world of denial about it.
Did she think it would be easy for me? I guess she did? Or maybe she has very high hopes it would. And it was hard bursting her bubble like i did. But the truth sets us free. And freedom from those pent up feelings is what I needed. She made her choice in 1963. And now it was my choice to speak, so I did.
It’s unfortunate that she in her great faith in god could not accept that was the truth of the child she relinquished. My wounds only needing validations she could not give. Or would not give, for to validate it was to change her truth. A truth she was comfortable with.
But I am not who she thought I was. And I did not want to live a life that reflected her truth any longer. I have a right to own my own feelings. So I stood up and claimed them, proclaimed them unashamedly. She, was ashamed of my truth for it she’d light on hers. And I saw it. An energetic field of feelings she tried to hide from me that showed she was just tolerating me back in her life. She did not really want an honest relationship with me.
Her truth was hard to take. For sure. But honesty goes both ways. And I accept her truth. That is the only way to heal. And my truth shown light on her truth for sure.
I do not hate her for her truth. But I now can see clearly that I did get the better end of the deal. And that is worth it all. I wish her well. She did the best she could. And now knows how her decision affected me. Karma is karma. And I what is the use of coming here as humans if we do not learn about the cause and affect if our actions.
Free will is not free. We all pay a price for our choices. I paid a price for my honesty. And that’s worth it. I see her differently as well as the woman who showed up to stand in for her.
Truth is what Mama Jean taught me to speak. Even when it hurts, say it. Don’t hold it in. It’s like a cell phone. Truth that does not serve is like an app inside the brain that must be deleted so that a new better program can be down loaded. It allows room for new to show up. New viewpoints and perspectives can now come streaming in to show me the blessings that were there all along, but blocked from my view by a truth that I held from a child. I put away childish things to see the truth.
I hope my words help you find your way. For this is the way I have gone and I am seeing results. It’s not easy telling it. We don’t want to hurt folks. But this is the truth. They are hurt already. Truth just exposes it for healing. When we know, we can change our GPS about it.
Thanks for diving deep with me today. Make this year a year of healing. Do the work. And tell the truth, it will sbe t you free. It’s worth the work and the guff and whatever folks say or so will not kill you. You have lived through the worst. The truth is we are spirits experiencing a human finite life. Make your mark. Tell your truth so folks can change their course. Without the truth if adoptees, how can we make it better for them? For me? Not everyone’s the same. And we all matter.