Being Born into a family, yet an adoptee

When I was born, I was to be 1 of 10 in my family. I have three half sisters on my Mothers side, a step brother on my Mothers side, and I have three half brothers, and three half sisters from my fathers side. What a family to a girl raised an only child? Oh, what a family indeed. And I have learned a lot about my heritage and my parents by meeting them all.

My Mothers side is quite secretive and private, keeping secrets is a thing and we don’t let the cat out of the bag over there. It is frowned upon and the person doing so is shunned and rejected and blocked. My sisters are very withdrawn and emotionally unavailable, I imagine because my Mother is quite emotionally unavailable as I have experieced and does not like to look on the dark side for balance. It seems to scare her to look into the dark. Makes sense, I was so scared of the dark until I Found Christ and walked in the word and faced my fear of the darkness.  As I have had to face the darkness for years living without her.

Just because I have not been in her life, I am still there. I am like a ghost who travels through the halls of her mind and her house. My energy is tied to her, it is the law. And thought she cut me out of her physical world, I am still a part of her body, the cells I made that were mine, that would help her know how to care for me, are still in her body as science has shown, all children form cells to help Mothers care for their children. Those cells are still in her brain, but have gotten dusty from lack of use, so she struggles to deal with me, because they were abandoned. But they are there still.

My sisters withdraw from me as thought I am some kind of monster? That is how it feels to me to be ignored and blocked and no one even giving a shit about me? When I have thought of them my whole life. I wonder who has instilled that notion that they probably are not aware of into there brains? So strange to be a sister who has dreamed of her siblings and to be so obscure to them, or ignored, as though I am a ghost still. But I live! I am a breathing person. And I am a sister with love in her heart for them. And yet they go on in the same old fashion as before my coming back. So strange to observe. I scratch my head in wonder, why did God want me to come back and see this? I except to observe and to tell the world, so they could see what adoption does to us all.

My family expects me to have allegiance to their silence when they show no allegiance to knowing me?  It is so ridiculous to me. We are on opposite sides of a wheel, I speaking out, they hiding in the darkness my Mother has built around them, hiding them from me, and me from them, but why? Is the question I ask? What is the purpose of such trickery? Rather silly I think. And now that I have just given up on playing their silent game and am reporting my finding here, I imagine they have cut me off forever, or can they? Can they cut me out of their lives? Or am I always there? What I see is that I am there, still a ghost that haunts them all, but it need not be like that? If we go into the dark place and turn on the light. We can all get beyond our own perceptions, we can get beyond our Mothers fears, a projection onto the child she relinquished long ago, and a projection onto the children she kept. It separates us.

If I had been kept they would be used to me by now. My kind of fresh truth and witty way of seeing things would refresh there silent, dark minds about me and who I really am. If my Mother had prepared for my return as I have instructed my sister to do so, Yeah, one of my sister relinquished a child as well, it goes on and on. When will our family learn? I guess it is part of our purpose here this lifetime. But do they see the purpose? Or do they block it from their own site? Or did my Mother block it by her actions to deceive us all? A scripture comes to mind as I write that. Be not deceived, for God is not mocked, for what so ever a man/woman sows, that she/he shall also reap. Gal 6:7. Not sure my Mother likes that scripture these days? Now that what she sowed has grown? And now she reaps it? Oh, she thinks its so bad? But no excavation is fun? When God uses your child to dig up the old dirty past and sort it, tag it, and clear it out? I imagine not, but it must be done.

I am a human, I have a right to my birth right, which is my family. That is what I see. No court on the earth can take away the DNA in my body that links me to her and to my siblings. I’ll talk about my Fathers side another time. That is a totally different story. And they are totally different people for it. My sisters are amazing woman who have embraced me, I imagine due to my Dad being a bit crazy himself, and totally open, and accepted he was a wild thing. He never pushed me away, but embraced me, all of me. And for that I am grateful. He blessed this mess he made and did not regret it, as I know he did not regret my 6 other siblings.

Being born into a family and then removed is my life. And yet I am not removed but just placed in another location, but still I am a sister to my siblings. And I lived a life without them. Yet I knew I had them. I felt them. I longed for them. And yet it is not easy to incorporate them into my life, so many people? And I raised an only child, I do need help, their help, for they have lived as siblings, I have not. Do they expect me to act like they? When I was removed from them? Secluded, raised as only me, yet knowing that they exist? But they did not know I existed? Or did they? Did we all know about each other in our bodies, in some vibrational things , did we know there was something missing? And now, do they just fight to keep things the same? Like humans do, hold onto the comfort zone, and fight the change that was only an illusion. I am family. That is the truth, so to do this is to force God to do things that God does not want to do?

The natural flow would be to embrace it, and find the blessing in the sister that was removed. As a flower, plant her back in and nourish her with their wisdom about our Mother. To help me. But it seems that they are conflicted much as our Mother is. It is so sad for us all. God has shown me the blessing beyond this place. And yet they, Christian too, cannot see it? They do not see that the truth of me can set us free? Free to be what we really are, family.

 

Thank you for diving deep with me today.

God bless you.

 

What does a life matter? 

Some believe life matters. They work to save life. They water their plants, and they feed their children. What makes us care about life? What makes a mother care about the life that grows within her? Where it came from? How it came? Or is it that she wanted it to come that makes her care for it? 

What does my life matter? What affect have I had here? I lived and grew up and went to find my mom like God showed me was his will. Cuz I really could have lived on without her truth that made me just feel like shit. I could have lived as a weed with no idea where I came from. Because now that I know where I came from, it really does not make me feel cared for. Nope. It does not. 

And I asked God if that was the road. I really did. And the door flung open. I was so excited. But back to god within me. I guess it’s about that. Evolution and education of the species. Us. The bodies god rises in. And right now this body is broken. At the site of my Birth Mothers response to me. And I guess I know how god feels now. I guess gods heart was broken the day she turned her back on the gift. 

She did not act like Mary in the Bible and god did not make a way for her to keep me. Guess she or god in her did not like the creation that grew in her. It gets mixed up doesn’t it? Trying to figure out what’s up? Why do some mommy say want there children? And why do some not? I guess god just is mixed up? We say god is so powerful. But with free will and all these folks what really can god do? 

Makes me want to leave this place. It makes me want to just beam out and go back to being a star in the night sky. Where I can be admired for my light. This place needs work. But many just pass the buck. Many just are stuck doing the same thing. I have helped folks who could give two shots about me. Like God who sends the sun and then we say it’s to much. God send the rain and then we say that’s to much. God send the wind and we complain even more. 

What do we want here? And what are we willing to do to get t? My life mattered to a woman who’s womb was bearen. But not to the one god sent me too? Makes no sense to me. 

Today , Some thoughts from an adoptee.

Well. This last year had many challenges. Setting my Mothers and my family and extended family straight about who I really am not was daunting and tedious. There are so many things I saw they were thinking about who I am. They looking from the outside, thought they knew who I was and why I act as I do. And I was so tired of that that I blew the lid off the pot of my families mental life, to show them who I really am beyond all my actions. I blew my Mothers hair almost clean off their heads as I blew like an emotional tornado with a purpose, which was,”Set them straight.” Many folks think tornados are messy, useless, terrible, and mean things. But honey when you’ve settled into a story line that is not complete you need to know, and a tornado is just the thing that can get your attention, God is evolutionary, ever changing, ever growing and there is always deeper, and higher places God/this Universe Pushes, pulls us, blows us, fires us up to go. Look at nature if you want to know God honey. For God is nature. Hell, God is all.

These bodies are organisms made by the creator, stitched together with Gods own hand and God breaths life into it.  Ask yourself, where does life come from? This planet is were our life is now. We, like anything that can expire, have a date when things break back down and go back to God, and nature will break it down and use parts of it again.

This place is a play ground of experiences with the mind, body, spirit connection. And if you can’t see the magic in the madness we’ll, Wake up!  Cuz you just got your seat at the show the day you get here and it a ride for your life, and for the life that God creates here. The spirit within me tells me so. These body’s, organisms made from clay and water and all that is here, serve God whether you like it or not. Cuz god is in us all. No doubt. People act like you ask Jesus in? How did he get out? For if Jesus was? His bloods in our veins, like a broad funnel you can trace it back to the beginning. We are all fragments of one things. We are all connected.

This world is has two sides, there is black and white. There is light and darkness, there is knowing and the unknown. And God works to create a bridge to get us back to eden. We all remember eden. We felt it in the womb. Where it was safe and warm and all was supplied to us. But after eden, the womb, we experience something else. More and less of many things. Life here is a cacophony of experiences, many hard, and many full and filled with love. And we all are here to learn and grow, and God is riding within us. God rides within us all, inside these flesh machines trying to work it out, turn it around, and get us back, to eden. I feel that is why we are here. We learn to be able to create eden, and to connect to each to each other, for we are all from the same place.

If we would realize this. And serve our time working for the better of us all, people, animals, the earth, and her love she has given us, but these minds are split in two still struggle to understand the other side? I laugh when folks talk about being bi polar. Look at the name. Look at the brain? Look at the earth with two Polar ends? Look at the seasons they come and they go. We live in a bubble, a cell with a permeable membrane that is safely suspended in space and we worry about provision? We have people starving today. People that God lives in for god is all and all is god. And yet we just can not seem to shift the gear to work for the highest good of all. Why are folks starving in other countries? Because no one thought that they were our brother, and no one knows how to be their brothers keepers. What are we to keep? Are we to feed him and keep him safe? Or are we supposed to teach him to keep himself? I think the both. That is what our parents do for us? Most of them do so at least, but I am addressing the others who don’t.

There are some Parents, like mine, who give there child away to another, and I do feel this has caused a refractory affect here in society in the children removed from the place they were sent, by this universe. I feel we need to look at this affect, the affect it had on the children who are reliquished. Is it in the best interest of the child to be removed? Or just in the best interest of the woman involved at the time?  Those who have been given away are put in a negative feedback loop, and they are unable to return to there families of origin due to the fairytales or misinformation their Birth Families live in some kind of alter state of thinking that they no longer are family by some court order, but there is a higher order here. There is an order of this universe, as we look at the seasons and death and birth, the weather, there is an order? So as children born from this Earth, are we doing our best to continue to remove children from the woman they are sent to?  If we live on and within a circle, should not there be a full circle? Children relinquished do not experience that full circle and in fact resist it, due to the trauma of rejection, rejection this universe did not intend, but was intended on by a Woman who did not show up for her job, the one this universe gave her when she conceived.

Are Mothers, trusting the adoptions process, looking to rid themselves of the creation that was made in them, and who are white washing it with another name? Wishing to make it white as snow? Who is saying that babies are dirty? Who is saying that how they come into our lives is dirty? Who is telling our woman that to conceive is a dirty act and that it should be given away? Who? Who tells woman that its ok? When clearly I see that God knows what God is doing, by sending them to them in the first place? There is a higher law here, and are we seeking the Highest good of all? What is that? What is Gods big picture? And do we have what it takes to see it from our vantage point?

Well, I will tell you that it takes a lot of Learning, living, loving, compassionate, awareness, and being awake to see what others need to be Able to even see the highest good? It takes walking through a lot of pain to see what is really going on around here. Most folks can’t even get out of bed? Or away from the Tv these days? Let alone wrap there heads around another needs, especially the needs of children? We have to look at it all, not just the comfortable things to see the higher good of all? And for me that is what the spirit in me works to see through my eyes. My body is its container that moves to see what is going on around here, and my pain is the register to which God feels the pain so it can be changed. God in me works to clear the baggage to see into me and to look into those I meet and to see what this world needs? Each of us does that if we wake up to that fact. The fact that the spirits that come and go, and the bodies we live in are made from earth and God through each of us is learning and evolving through us all.

Like the body called Maya Angelou, who was God, named Maya Angelou said, When you know better, you do better. We are so attached to these bodies, like trinkets. We must understand there is a time for everything. And we come here to learn through our experiences. I came, God in me, to learn about adoption and the affects it has on the children who grow into adults. This body is still evolving and learning. The pain I have felt being relinquished has forever altered me. It broke me open, it broke this body of mine and God alone has healed me. For I asked God to do so. I went to counselors and to people and no one could get me where I am today. Only God leading me could do it. And the way was unorthodox indeed and many judged me for the way I went. But God within me is strong and showed me to follow. And I did follow the leading of the spirit within me and the guides, angels and my ancestors who live within my very DNA.

God told me to tell my Mother how I felt so she could adjust her story with my chapter that had been removed back in, so she could have the whole story.  And what I told her was a whole lot of pain, so deep, it took a while to get it out, I am not sure it is all out yet, but the dust is clearing. What God in me showed me was your complaining, your pain needs to go to God in the person you complain about or have pain with? They need the report to alter their course, God within them. How in the hell do we expect to get better if we hold our truth, the truth God within you knows about what you see in another? How? Telepathy? Who can hear a thing around here with all that is going on? WE have formed all kinds of distractions, that keep us from truly making this place a better place. There is pain all around and we have folks in their own worlds of choice who avoid looking at the truths that are glaring at us all, and asking for us to step up and change.

We in our mammalian minds are trying to figure out something that we only need ask this universes to show us. For I asked for the answers. And God in me showed me the way. And my way may not be just like your way honey. But Jesus shows the way. Truth is what he/she showed me. And Jesus told his truth and we killed him for it. When will we stop killing folks? For children are ideas that grow in the bellies of woman God created in the belly of another? An idea can not be killed?  Ignorance is just a lack of knowing. Education and truth spoken can change it all, if we will listen until we truly understand. Truth without physical harm is the answer to change.  There really is no need to fight with fist or gun. We are all in the same side. We are all human and we all are made in the image and likeness of god in god’s many forms. God is in the trees, the ground, the air, the flowers, and in you and me. God is in the animals and if we could stop for a minute, we could see it.

What I question is how were are doing it here? What I want to do is jog your mind to think about the big picture. There is a better way, but how sick must we get? How many must suffer for us to stop and start again? Better? My kids had to be raised by a broken woman. And to be raised by a twisted soul, because I had to wrap my mind around a lot of things others don’t being adopted was complicated and things did not line up. The pieces of my life have been thrown to the wind and I and God within had to get them back, to piece it together, but there is free will, oh, free will, that another can choose to not show up, choose to not eat what is on their plate, and on another side of the planet is another who has no plate? And I want to just get it started, a conversation about change. But that means we have to clean up the mess? And no one likes that.

 

Thanks for diving deep with me today.

 

God bless you.

Someone told me today.

Someone told me today that I was born from my parents to only have their DNA. That God made me from them only to have their DNA. And I am trying to wrap my Mind, body and spirit around that. Around the fact that God only wanted me to have their DNA, not them, not their love, not their hopes and dreams, not their care and guidance, just DNa. That I was only from them to have their DNA.

This is a very interesting thing for someone to say to me. I get it, many people have ideas that are not like mine, and not like how I feel inside. So if that is true, then my Birth Mother is nothing but a machine and so if that is true, all Moms are just DNA machines that pump out children to give them nothing more than DNA. But as we look around, that simply is not the whole truth here. For many woman, keep their children, and raise them. That means that those woman give their children more than just DNA, they give them training, love, nurture, and their lives as a coach to guide them.

I guess some woman are kind of like, stray cats that just pump out children and them move on, like mine mother was. I guess that not all Moms are the same, and we see that that is true, because I am proof of that. I am adopted. So it shows me that not everyones alike. And I think folks should take that into consideration when speaking to each other. Not all children are the same, not all people see things the same. And I struggle to accept that my Mother was just in my life for her DNA.

My heart beats because of her body and her choices to conceive. And I struggle to blow that off. I live because of her perceived mistake. And I struggle with her truth of who she thinks I am to her. I am because of her actions. And that is enough for me. But is it ok to just forget her sacrifice? She was caught in a situation at 25, that she had to make a decision, and she had to live with that decision. At the time, I imagine she did not feel enough for me. And I get that. I get it. But we see many children raised in poverty, and families with little, and we see happy children there. Maybe they don’t have all the things, but they are happy just the same.

I wonder what made my Mom choose to give me up? I guess it was God? Who told her to give me away? Ok, ok. But then I wonder, I wonder by the way it made me feel, if maybe there is another reason. WE all are here for a reason, and maybe I am here to show another side to this coin called adoption. Maybe I am here reporting my findings to show a systemic issue as humans that needs to be looked at.

Many wish to see the light, but few can handle illumination.

Motherhood, a sovereign call to arms

I may not be the best Mother on earth. True. But what I want to say is this, I showed up when my bodily phone rang. I showed up and welcomed the children this universe sent to me and I did the best this Adoptee could do. When you consider all the tales I was told about who I was and what being adopted meant, I did ok.

It is not my job to tell my children how to live, but to teach them, train them to be the best they can be. To help form them. To rebuke them when needed, to comfort them when I could, and to show them they are not alone, ever. To speak to them and put words of hope and training so they could be the best they could be. For that, I showed up.

And its not easy being a Mother, no. It is not the gravy job of wall street, with accolades, bonuses for performance, and pats of the backs of my colleagues. It is a lonely job with not many frills as we wipe the poopy butts and clean up vomit. It is not a glory job, while we work to train our kids to be tough and yet kind. It is not the job of the century where we make it to the front of forbes magazine for making it through the month on little pay. But I showed up anyway.

Motherhood is a journey of the soul, that calls those who show up to dig deeper. It calls us to dig our heels in and love like no other, with grit and with guts. Motherhood is a soveirgn call to arms, the arms that rock the children of the future. And that is why I speak of my struggles as an adoptee. For we must look at what adoption does to our future, when we choose to not show up for our jobs given to us by our willingness to conceive. Our willingness to open our wombs to be penetrated by a man, and launch that rocket that grows into an arrow. As we bare our children in pain, we birth the future.

Is adoption the real way? Is it addressing our societal programming and changing it? I think not. And I write here to show my pain and struggle so that you, can see for yourself what it did to me.

My Mother did not show up, she used her free will card. And another took her place, with little to nothing to go on, she raised me as best she could, considering she did not even meet the one who I was made from, considering the fact that she did not have an owners manual. I commend Mama Jean for her courage to do such a thing for me, and for my Bio Mom as well.

It irks me that after 24+ years the woman who’s life was bettered by my absence has not even sent a thank you card to Mama Jean. It makes me weap for a world so ungrateful for a woman like Mama Jean, who did not hesitate to take me on. Who tirelessly tended the child another woman threw away. Like trash. She went home after giving birth to me and cleaned her bathroom and thought that was all that was required of her.

I think it very telling that he room she cleaned was the bathroom, were we shit, and piss and clean ourselves. I think it say a lot about what she thought about me. Did her act of cleaning do the job? Hell no, for today she is still full of dirty thoughts about me. Her actions screaming so loudly and yet she can not hear. I speak for those children today that lie in a crib, reeling from the change that just took place, wonder inside without words, what kind of place is this,and where is my Mother, her face and voice and smell not seen hear or experienced. And that, that is what I want to change.

A Mother is a calling that should not be taken lightly, nor should it be aborted, or can it be adopted away. As I have seen in her eyes, I see a woman who has become numb to her calling. Her mind numb to the voice of me that come from the cells that live within her.

Woman, take your womb seriously. Woman teach your daughters to do the same. Teach them not to just give there bodies to any man, teach boys to respect the woman body. Teach, teach teach this away. We can educate ourselves out of this mess called adoption, so wrapped in such beautiful paper, and yet stinking like shit just the same. To not show up, is to not trust the universe that sent that precious child growing within you.

Children are the future. And if we just kill that future or reroute the future, what does that say about us? What does it say about our faith in a God so many churches preach from. We damn the future to do such a thing. And I charge every woman reading this to take it seriously. For the future is our only hope, those children with the gifts taken from our own Dna are the hope we seek. Do not throw hope to the wind.

 

Thank you for diving deep with me today.

My Mama must think me a push over? An adoptee speaks out.

My Mama Linda must think I am some kind of push over? Like she must think I am just a feather in the wind to blow away all day. She don’t know herself to good do she? LOL

Like Mama’s like daughter. One made me, and the other remade me. She is out to lunch on this one. I am not to be trifled with, nor is my life to be trifled with either. What i find amazing is her stubborn ignorance by choice. She chooses to stay ignorant and thinks I want to hang out there too? And she has called me crazy? LOL Crazy is an ignorant persons word, meaning I don’t know what to do, but call you crazy to make you go away, again and again? Hmmmm?

It makes you wonder what her story is doesn’t it? It makes you wonder what her deal is, huh? Well, it sure does make me wonder? What in the hell is he problem? She tells me she is fine? Oh, yeah, really fine? Not! She has unresolved conflicts written all over her face, all over her reactions to me, and all over her lack of interactions with me, HER DAUGHTER FOR GOD SAKE? Only adoption, that is what I say. Sure, there are daughters treated badly too, that are kept, I see that. But adoption is like some kind of entitlement to just turn your head away from your kid.

And I feel it does no service to either of us. Look at us? What in the hell? Like I love her. Even though she is messed up in the head. She makes me pay for the story she tells herself of me, my father, and of who I have become. And she also,slaps my Mama Jean on the face when she calls me crazy. Like who does that? She gives me away, and is not pleased to see what another woman did with me? Who does that? A Bio Mom, dated as fuck, that is who.

I wanted a relationship with her, I wanted to be friends, but she is not a nice person to be friends with. Mama Jean took me on, went through hell keeping me after a nasty divorce, and my dad did not pay child support either. She went without so I could have. Mama Linda sits in house full of stuff, because Mama Jean took on what she did not want. Mama Linda prospered due to what Mama Jean did for her and she can’t even say thank you to a woman she never met! Like she gave me to a total stranger! And now wants to back out? Now wants to call me crazy? Like what a label to give your child. I just don’t get it.

If she thinks I am going to let her continue to drag me into her mud puddle she had another thing coming. I will not have my reputation drug through the mud by anyone. I am a good person. I am a kind person. But there comes a time when you must draw a line in the sand of your Mothers puddle and say it stop here. And so I have.

Mama Linda’s just not happy with the feedback loop she started long ago. And as I search for the answers I seek, I wonder. I think she tried to kill me, abort me. And I lived, for the glory of God, I lived. And I think she see’s that each time she looks at me. I am not going to lie anymore and this is my truth. She barked up the wrong tree with this one and made her own match the day I came to be. So get ready, my truth is setting me free of the truth she thinks I am.

I am stronger for being adopted and she can’t just push me over. I tell you so you can see what it is like coming home.

 

Thank you for diving deep with me today.

God bless

This Day I have never forgotten, an adoptees account

mama me

This day I will never forget. Why you ask? Well, this day my Bio Mom, called me. She was in the area. And evidently had a bought of amnesia, and told me she could not find Willows. Well, we both know that is a lie straight from hell. I’ll tell you why.

Well, not days before this day, this woman, so sweet looking huh? We look so good together, and yet she, days before drove right past my town. Like the road she drove goes right past my town. And she traveled to see our cousin, a cousin I had just met. And evidently  made the choice to be honest with and my Mother had to go visit her, evidently to give her the 411 on me?

Why do I say that you ask? Well, up until that visit I was getting along splendidly with her. She and I were fostering a strong relationship. And after that visit, she became cold and unfeeling towards me. Telling me to get over it and not listening to me at all. The only variable that had changed was my Mother had visited. Put it together? Like math, it just added up.

My Mother was going to a high school reunion in a town near my town. Funny? And my cousin lives in lower California, in the city? Now do the math? She told me this day that I write about? That she could not find my town? She could not figure out how to get to me? She could drive all the way down south and drive through traffic? And find my cousins house? But not mine? I have been to my cousins house, its not that easy to find. But my town is right of the road she traveled to see my cousin?

Funny? She went to a reunion and could not reunite with me to say hello? She, I think called out of guilt, probably thinking I would just talk, but I did not just talk. I asked her if she wanted me to come meet with her? She agreed, but traveled even farther up the road, and we met there? Strange thing to do I feel? So we met and I tried to over look the fact that she had just bypassed seeing me. I visited with her, it was strange. For a woman who touts that she has accepted me with loving arms, she does not act like it.

And that, is what I have confronted her about, on her and emails and phone calls. I work to figure out what her deal is with me? And it hurt me, that she was so turned around about me. I think there is more to her story than she can bring herself to tell me. When you look at your flesh and blood mother, you see things no other can. And when I look at her and see how she looks at me, I see another story that her body language is saying about us.

My mama Jean never showed me that. She accepted me as I was, and raised me the best way she could. I personally think she did an exceptional job. It was not easy, with me missing my Mother and all. And she took a lot of heat, from this confused little girl trying to figure out what was wrong with her, because her Mommy did not want her.

So, excuse me for not just believing her words and for watching her nonverbal language. But this shit is loud as hell. Screaming at me, saying unresolved conflicts with her daughter. And so I remember this day. It was a bittersweet day. As I drove to love her, even though she had just told some dirt on me. Even though she had torn down my reputation and degraded me by lying about no being able to find me. It is tough seeing your Mothers truth. Especially when she says one thing, and does another?

This is wha it is like being adopted after coming home. You get Mothers acting crazy like this. You get a double standard. You get bullshit stories, and her acting like she’s not your Mother. This is the face of this adoptee. And I wanted you to know, what it was like and is like for me. So I share it here, for those looking for hope.

I would not take back finding her, for at least now I know that how i felt growing up was how she felt about me. As I have come clean, I see that Mama Jean never did that to me, it was Mama Linda who did, while in the womb, I heard it all and remembered. but would not face it until older, stronger and wiser. And I feel Mama Jean prepared me for that day, bless her soul forever for that. She made me strong,she worked on the parts of my Mother in me that needed to grow and evolve as a human.

I am grateful for Mama Jean more now than ever. For now I see where the psychic slime has been coming from all along. For we are connected my Mother and me. And her idea of me sucks big time. Like her story sucks. She has not story. Just pain and things she has told herself or years, so long, she believes it! Like, hello lady, I am right here, why don’t you ask me who I am? I am not my father? I am not you? I am what you two made that day in April 1962, I am the best of you both? Why in the hell don’t you see that?

Bio Moms, I want to speak to you. I share this so you will not label your children either. For we are all Gods creations beyond the conception. And we are forever changed being for being adopted. We are no longer yours, you gave us away, we were raised by another, so we are forever different for the experience of being adopted. It made me different from the get go. I turned myself over the day after I was born. I feel determined to get back to her, to tell her she had made a mistake. But I would not be able to articulate that until now.

Being adopted hits you right in the throat. I take your breath away, it sucks the steam out of your engine and it would take me years to fuel this kind of truth to come out. I had to talk to a lot of people. I had to go through a lot to see that pain this cause me and Mama Jean. And she did not deserve to be treated bad. She showed up.

So Bio Moms, get ready for your children. Get your heart right. For the day comes, and if your not ready? You’ll be like my Mom, all turned around. We dealt with your truth, now you must be ready to deal with ours. It is the only way to heal.

 

Thank you for diving deep with me today.

God bless