When I was born, I was to be 1 of 10 in my family. I have three half sisters on my Mothers side, a step brother on my Mothers side, and I have three half brothers, and three half sisters from my fathers side. What a family to a girl raised an only child? Oh, what a family indeed. And I have learned a lot about my heritage and my parents by meeting them all.
My Mothers side is quite secretive and private, keeping secrets is a thing and we don’t let the cat out of the bag over there. It is frowned upon and the person doing so is shunned and rejected and blocked. My sisters are very withdrawn and emotionally unavailable, I imagine because my Mother is quite emotionally unavailable as I have experieced and does not like to look on the dark side for balance. It seems to scare her to look into the dark. Makes sense, I was so scared of the dark until I Found Christ and walked in the word and faced my fear of the darkness. As I have had to face the darkness for years living without her.
Just because I have not been in her life, I am still there. I am like a ghost who travels through the halls of her mind and her house. My energy is tied to her, it is the law. And thought she cut me out of her physical world, I am still a part of her body, the cells I made that were mine, that would help her know how to care for me, are still in her body as science has shown, all children form cells to help Mothers care for their children. Those cells are still in her brain, but have gotten dusty from lack of use, so she struggles to deal with me, because they were abandoned. But they are there still.
My sisters withdraw from me as thought I am some kind of monster? That is how it feels to me to be ignored and blocked and no one even giving a shit about me? When I have thought of them my whole life. I wonder who has instilled that notion that they probably are not aware of into there brains? So strange to be a sister who has dreamed of her siblings and to be so obscure to them, or ignored, as though I am a ghost still. But I live! I am a breathing person. And I am a sister with love in her heart for them. And yet they go on in the same old fashion as before my coming back. So strange to observe. I scratch my head in wonder, why did God want me to come back and see this? I except to observe and to tell the world, so they could see what adoption does to us all.
My family expects me to have allegiance to their silence when they show no allegiance to knowing me? It is so ridiculous to me. We are on opposite sides of a wheel, I speaking out, they hiding in the darkness my Mother has built around them, hiding them from me, and me from them, but why? Is the question I ask? What is the purpose of such trickery? Rather silly I think. And now that I have just given up on playing their silent game and am reporting my finding here, I imagine they have cut me off forever, or can they? Can they cut me out of their lives? Or am I always there? What I see is that I am there, still a ghost that haunts them all, but it need not be like that? If we go into the dark place and turn on the light. We can all get beyond our own perceptions, we can get beyond our Mothers fears, a projection onto the child she relinquished long ago, and a projection onto the children she kept. It separates us.
If I had been kept they would be used to me by now. My kind of fresh truth and witty way of seeing things would refresh there silent, dark minds about me and who I really am. If my Mother had prepared for my return as I have instructed my sister to do so, Yeah, one of my sister relinquished a child as well, it goes on and on. When will our family learn? I guess it is part of our purpose here this lifetime. But do they see the purpose? Or do they block it from their own site? Or did my Mother block it by her actions to deceive us all? A scripture comes to mind as I write that. Be not deceived, for God is not mocked, for what so ever a man/woman sows, that she/he shall also reap. Gal 6:7. Not sure my Mother likes that scripture these days? Now that what she sowed has grown? And now she reaps it? Oh, she thinks its so bad? But no excavation is fun? When God uses your child to dig up the old dirty past and sort it, tag it, and clear it out? I imagine not, but it must be done.
I am a human, I have a right to my birth right, which is my family. That is what I see. No court on the earth can take away the DNA in my body that links me to her and to my siblings. I’ll talk about my Fathers side another time. That is a totally different story. And they are totally different people for it. My sisters are amazing woman who have embraced me, I imagine due to my Dad being a bit crazy himself, and totally open, and accepted he was a wild thing. He never pushed me away, but embraced me, all of me. And for that I am grateful. He blessed this mess he made and did not regret it, as I know he did not regret my 6 other siblings.
Being born into a family and then removed is my life. And yet I am not removed but just placed in another location, but still I am a sister to my siblings. And I lived a life without them. Yet I knew I had them. I felt them. I longed for them. And yet it is not easy to incorporate them into my life, so many people? And I raised an only child, I do need help, their help, for they have lived as siblings, I have not. Do they expect me to act like they? When I was removed from them? Secluded, raised as only me, yet knowing that they exist? But they did not know I existed? Or did they? Did we all know about each other in our bodies, in some vibrational things , did we know there was something missing? And now, do they just fight to keep things the same? Like humans do, hold onto the comfort zone, and fight the change that was only an illusion. I am family. That is the truth, so to do this is to force God to do things that God does not want to do?
The natural flow would be to embrace it, and find the blessing in the sister that was removed. As a flower, plant her back in and nourish her with their wisdom about our Mother. To help me. But it seems that they are conflicted much as our Mother is. It is so sad for us all. God has shown me the blessing beyond this place. And yet they, Christian too, cannot see it? They do not see that the truth of me can set us free? Free to be what we really are, family.
Thank you for diving deep with me today.
God bless you.