My daughter and I are not talking. She has blocked me from her life. And as I sit here feeling so sad on one of the happiest days in my memories a sadness is around me like a black cloud. As I sit here trying to not cry. I think,”how in the hell did my Mama do this?” Leave me and live on? Like it has been about four years sense Chelsie left me out of no where and it hurts like hell today. How did my Mama do that? How do you go on and act like its nothing.
And I ask God to sooth it. To pour the oil and the wine on a wound so deep I do not know if it can heal at times. I don’t know if I can get free of its grip.
Children given up for adoption deal with this at days old, with no words to decribe a pain so deep that no words can express it. But it’s like a black cloud that follows you around. And when good things happen and you recieve an award or do good in school, she not there to share it with. She not there to talk to, to see her face, her pleasure at who you try to be. And we just get tired. And without recognition of that pain as grief. We suffer the consequences at the hands of world that thinks they just helped me and my mom out of a bad spot. But they just threw you I to hell. A hell I would not wish on my worst enemy.
That’s what this adoptee feels. No one write here. So I guess I am alone in my access ment. But that is how it felt. And feels to be separated from your Mama. And no pills gonna kill my ill. I got a bad case of loving you.
Song lyrics just say it all. Don’t they?
I am greif stricken and it’s not getting better. And I will keep going. Expressing what has been trapped within. And I will post here so you can see my progress or regressions. For healing is work. And one must escavate pain. Airate pain. Flush pain. Purge pain. And truth spoken can no longer hide in the shadows. It can not reach up and bite you when you turn and look at it and ask, why do you heart? Why do you bite me in the ass?
And you just listen to pain. The body. Speaking about seperations of any kind. Pain must have her day, I see. If you wish for her to let go her hold. For pain teaches where not to go again. And pain teaches to love while they are here. And pain teaches us about connections. And the tearing away when someone’s lost. It has taught me the importance of connections. That when a bond is broken it alters this whole place. That each turning away is like a ripple affect that permeates us all. And dims our light one more time, and we failed to get it. That their is not seperation. Just different packages. That what has been placed on your plate is there for a reason. Pain will let go when we have learned to stay connected. To not let the exterior dictate the interior. Meaning we protect what God sends to us. And work to restore it. For it has value in gods sceme of things.
What I feel these days. From God who rides within me. And within you. Is this. From my standpoint and from my experience. Adoption is not a solution at all. And causes more harm to the child and mother than good. That t only puts off the enevidable and just makes us have to do more work to catch back up. And then there’s all the misinformation that must be sorted. And then there grief and guilt and all that gook deep down that just come flying out like a slimmy ghost. Sliming your being with sludge from a pain that reverberates when it wishes and barfs up what no child should have had to eat. No child should have to swallow this bitter pill. No child.
And I cry uncle to God today. And ask God to please heal it. So I can help others do the same.
For I prayed one day after leaving my last counselor. Who was an adoption therapist. Lol. Funny now. She did not have a clue. Nope. And the more I talked to her, the more I saw she did not have any idea what to do except listen to me. And I was tired of this story. I wanted to change it. Rearrange it. Write a new script if you will.
So I prayed. And I asked God to heal me. I asked God to heal me so I could show my people how to heal this. Cuz it sucks. And I have trolled this private chat rooms on Facebook. And my people are scared and in pain. And have no where to go. So they hide. Licking their wounds and waiting for a savior, an answer, a way.
And this is my way. And I post on here to help you get that pain out that I speak of here. It’s like an infection. That never heals. And just keeps flaring up until one day it puts you down. She put her s Rees in and God ties you to the table and begins to cut away the pain. And that is pain. But then there is relief. Not much. But you can feel a release.
And truth is the only thing that has gotten me any peace about this. Getting it out. And I feel getting it out on here is best. So folks can learn. Cuz silences speaks to no one and no one heard. And no one changes.