I sit in the bath and think

and it all becomes clear. That we came here to experience this. And to change it. Why the hell would any of us just come to maintain such a status quo? Did the Jews just let the holivist go? Hell no? And we should not let this holivist go either. For our lives are important as well? And the highest quality of life is the hugest ideal or target we should shoot for. 

All beings have a birth right. And a child is no different. Fuck abortion. Like what about that baby? Why does a nithers rights supersed the right of the child within? Does that seem appropriate considering the times? 

We are so upset about Wales and dolphins and yet the u born child is still not safe to grow and birth and learn under their own Mothers loving guidance. Because why? We think abortion is a right? We think it is a solution? And we think adoption just makes it all better. Well. That is not what my ultimate experience was. And I will not lie to ease anyone’s concience. Or FAIRYTALES or misinformations. It was tough as hell to get where I am now able to just accept it. 

My telling my truth. Validating myself. Telling my Mama. And praying for a miracle. But now that it’s out. I feel an ease. We are not out of the woods yet. I show up. Get blocked. I show up again. If this is my only relationship dynamic. Guess I’ll accept it. But lord Jesus help us. 

My Mom still blocks me. But I pray each day for the light of day to shine on us both. 

It’s not easy either way. Why not just keep the little thing? It’s a gift made by the universe from you for you to mark a good combination is what I see? A higher order. Gods Mark is a child. That child is a gift. A target. Training in humanities. How to learn compassion. 

We need to look inside of us and ask why we as a species do this to our young? Our future? 

And honestly. Truth. Under that candy popcorn cupcake shit you tell yourself it is. Get real. 2016. Children still don’t have human rights. Wake up world. 

And there are many reason why. 

One is the church has not taken sex out of the closet

Two we have not accepted that we are sexual beings. 

Three we struggle to value those that are here now, we get hung up with color, creed, shape, size. Still. 2016. 

Four we as a species still bury, bomb, cut down, squash what we do not understand. 

Five, we still feel children should be seen and not heard. And they are our future. 

Six, the government we have allowed to be built is nothing more than a glorified babysitter service we pay for so we can make money. Hello. 

The water cold. So I am gonna go. Think about what I have written here. 

We can do better than this. Now can’t we? 

It hurts to see us like this

yep. It does folks. It hurts like hell to have worked so hard to be a blessing and to see your Mama bat at you like a fly. To see her Nash at you while you work to tend her wounds. It must hurt like hell Mamas and I apologize for a society that has thrown you under the bus. My heart bleeds for you as you tend those wounds in private. I hurt for you too. I do. I see it. And I want to help. And it’s hard. Yes. It so hard to live like this. I know. You wanted better. And we’re forced to think this was the only way. But now is another day. And we must forge a new way. A way back, and the. Forward. And I want this for you Mamas out there that languish on the day if their birth. On special days when they would have been there to kiss you or bring you flower. Hold tight. I am here to help anyone who wants out of that cage of being. 

And I hurt today for me. A Mom cut off from her child. I hurt for all of you for now I see. What you went through. I feel some of the pain you felt that day upu said goodbye to the gift. And the day after when you started to tell yourself the story to help you in your way. My heart hurts for you. Cuz that girl woman is still in there behind all that that you tell yourself to go on. And she needs love love from that gift that wants to co back and tend the wounds she was sent to tend. 

And there is work to do. We must scoop out the infections behind the bandage if lies and fairytales. So we can sooth it with oil. And love. Fight not this kind of love. For beyond the surgery is healing. For us all. Like a ripple affect in a pond. A right will be made for us all. And we all will win. Do the work I show here and the truth will set you free. Xo. 

Today is my baby girls birthday, and

My daughter and I are not talking. She has blocked me from her life. And as I sit here feeling so sad on one of the happiest days in my memories a sadness is around me like a black cloud. As I sit here trying to not cry. I think,”how in the hell did my Mama do this?” Leave me and live on? Like it has been about four years sense Chelsie left me out of no where and it hurts like hell today. How did my Mama do that? How do you go on and act like its nothing. 

And I ask God to sooth it. To pour the oil and the wine on a wound so deep I do not know if it can heal at times. I don’t know if I can get free of its grip. 

Children given up for adoption deal with this at days old, with no words to decribe a pain so deep that no words can express it. But it’s like a black cloud that follows you around. And when good things happen and you recieve an award or do good in school, she not there to share it with. She not there to talk to, to see her face, her pleasure at who you try to be. And we just get tired. And without recognition of that pain as grief. We suffer the consequences at the hands of world that thinks they just helped me and my mom out of a bad spot. But they just threw you I to hell. A hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. 

That’s what this adoptee feels. No one write here. So I guess I am alone in my access ment. But that is how it felt. And feels to be separated from your Mama. And no pills gonna kill my ill. I got a bad case of loving you. 

Song lyrics just say it all. Don’t they? 

I am greif stricken and it’s not getting better. And I will keep going. Expressing what has been trapped within. And I will post here so you can see my progress or regressions. For healing is work. And one must escavate pain. Airate pain. Flush pain. Purge pain. And truth spoken can no longer hide in the shadows. It can not reach up and bite you when you turn and look at it and ask, why do you heart? Why do you bite me in the ass?

And you just listen to pain. The body. Speaking about seperations of any kind. Pain must have her day, I see. If you wish for her to let go her hold. For pain teaches where not to go again. And pain teaches to love while they are here. And pain teaches us about connections. And the tearing away when someone’s lost. It has taught me the importance of connections. That when a bond is broken it alters this whole place. That each turning away is like a ripple affect that permeates us all. And dims our light one more time, and we failed to get it. That their is not seperation. Just different packages. That what has been placed on your plate is there for a reason. Pain will let go when we have learned to stay connected. To not let the exterior dictate the interior. Meaning we protect what God sends to us. And work to restore it. For it has value in gods sceme of things. 

What I feel these days. From God who rides within me. And within you. Is this. From my standpoint and from my experience. Adoption is not a solution at all. And causes more harm to the child and mother than good. That t only puts off the enevidable and just makes us have to do more work to catch back up. And then there’s all the misinformation that must be sorted. And then there grief and guilt and all that gook deep down that just come flying out like a slimmy ghost. Sliming your being with sludge from a pain that reverberates when it wishes and barfs up what no child should have had to eat. No child should have to swallow this bitter pill. No child. 

And I cry uncle to God today. And ask God to please heal it. So I can help others do the same. 

For I prayed one day after leaving my last counselor. Who was an adoption therapist. Lol. Funny now. She did not have a clue. Nope. And the more I talked to her, the more I saw she did not have any idea what to do except listen to me. And I was tired of this story. I wanted to change it. Rearrange it. Write a new script if you will. 

So I prayed. And I asked God to heal me. I asked God to heal me so I could show my people how to heal this. Cuz it sucks. And I have trolled this private chat rooms on Facebook. And my people are scared and in pain. And have no where to go. So they hide. Licking their wounds and waiting for a savior, an answer, a way. 

And this is my way. And I post on here to help you get that pain out that I speak of here. It’s like an infection. That never heals. And just keeps flaring up until one day it puts you down. She put her s Rees in and God ties you to the table and begins to cut away the pain. And that is pain. But then there is relief. Not much. But you can feel a release. 

And truth is the only thing that has gotten me any peace about this. Getting it out. And I feel getting it out on here is best. So folks can learn. Cuz silences speaks to no one and no one heard. And no one changes. 

I look at the sky and wonder?

What do others see when they look at the sky? 

I see many things when I look at the sky. 

Like billowy clouds that float like dreams by the one who can imagine it so. 

And like animals. Like dragons and lions and bunnies. 

I see stars and the moon at its full. In a sky so brilliant no one can’t even touch capturing it face to face. 

I also see that I am small when I look at the sky. I am a dot, on a dot that hangs in a viscous Galaxy, with no string holding us here. 

I see how vulnerable we really are to this planet, this galaxy. 

I see shooting stars and Milky Way. 

And as I sit in my place of peace. I wonder. What others see. And I imagine what it must be like to:

See the borialous, the sun set from Mount Everest. What a meteor shower looks like In Alaska?

I also wonder who looks at such a beautiful vast sky, and feels fear? I do. I wonder what they would tell me about their sky?

Would they cry? Or yell about it? Would they run from it? Such a beautiful sky?

I wonder also what the sky feels when bombs and such are flung through her with no regard to her balance?

I wonder if she scratches her head at us? 

Flying here. Cell phone there. Horn, music, train, bomb, automobile. 

I sit and listen to the cars cloud out the natural sounds. As I write this. 

And I wonder if people who’s sky are dark and bloody. I wonder. Does this affect their perspection of such a beautiful sky? 

Do they forever VEIW it as scared, bad, or useless?

And I wonder. Do we even care? 

Thank you for diving deep with me today. 

I pray this food for thought will go Forth and edify your mind with food for its thoughts. 

I am not sure which is harder?

As it stands today, I am not sure which is harder to go through. Is it harder to go through to original trauma and survive to tell about it? Or is it harder to experience the shock, out rage, dismay, horrification, and disgust when you tell folks the truth about living through that trauma. Because folks, its tougher to tell about the trauma and living through it, than to live it. It is like hammering a nail into an already open wound. But the shock and all that does seem to cauterize it. And the truth is, if I am telling it to you now, I lived through it.

As I sit here thinking about my moments of reporting my truth, I see how hard it is for folks to face other peoples truth, because it hits on their own. And no matter how much I say you are you and I am me? We are connected and touch each other. And if there is trauma in one, there is trauma in all.

We have such a high standard for the person we call Mother. And if the shit goes south it is on her, I mean Dad, sometimes, but Moms the first one on the chopping block if the kids messed up? And that is kind of a double standard. And I think to preach this or speak this is to bring trauma to us all. For it is a standard that is not helping anyone? Like Mom can not be everywhere, unless we all realize that each child here is our child? And we have a ways to go to see that one.

I illustrate the many ways in which my own Mothers are ostracized by feeling less than? Or like they did something wrong? And needing to cover that up? What has been gained? Especially by the child? What does the child gain? And what has the child lost? WE do need to look at what a child looses when they are removed from the Mother? And I do believe we need tools to help the woman who is the Mother, to help here to do her best and make her strong in areas she is weak?

I do believe that was the job of the Grandmothers and great grandmothers, they taught the children about many things, so that the Mothers could help sustain the family unit. It is something that has faded in this day and age, and is needed to help train the children who are adults in training. If all kids do is play games, who will make dinner? How will they learn to do that for themselves? or others if they do not help with dinner and lunch and breakfast?

Anyway, I know now that living a trauma is rough, but telling folks about it was pretty rough, it is like living the the shock all over, on another face? You know? It is like looking in the mirror and seeing all the lies up close, like pimples, but I would not back off of that, for those pimples need popping. And when we communicate our truths, no matter how hared to hear or read, we forge an authentic relationship that is built on a rock. Truth is a rock. Even if that truth is changed by another truth, it still needs to be spoken. To hold back is to manipulate. Self editing as I call it, is when your brain edits parts of a story to ( protect someone), which usually bites one in the ass later.

That is kind of what happened to me and my Moms. I held back many many parts of my story to protect them from how this really made me feel. And what it did to them was just stunt them in their understand of who I really was inside. I hate that I went there? But I do not blame myself for getting there.

I know this for sure.

A Mother is not replaceable. You can not replace what is within your very fibers and DNA?

You can build another place for a new woman who shows up to Mother you.

A Mother is a sovereign called creator of life. And should be protected

A Mother is a mirror. DNA recognition is Huge. The body goes off when you are with your DNA peps. It is quite fascinating.

The bond of a child and Mother cannot be broken. Ever.

Though geography is changed, connections are maintained, through DNA.

My Mom is going to talk to her pastor. What Mother in her right mind does that? Like what Mother does not just talk to you? And work it out? Is this a systemic thing? Are Mothers just not able to be the counselor anymore? See what giving me away has done? She lazy? Like if I had been around, she would be updated? She and I would get it by now? But here we are working on homework. Backed up homework on a relationship that does matter tot his universe a lot. Each of us is important and our input is important. And a Mothers input is very important to the child place within her care? And my Mom and I are behind.

Ever try to tell someone how you really feel? And you struggle because you know that it is going to be a shock? And you just can not hold it in any longer? Yeah, that was me.

 

And I feel a new sense of appreciation in myself for standing up and telling my truth. And for continuing to do so. Each day we wake up to a new thing.

I know this for sure.

That we can not judge yesterdays actions

That garnered us todays wisdom

If we judge yesterdays actions

That got us that  wisdom

We fail ourselves

Grace covers us all.

Truth sets us free

To be someone new.