A sense of calm comes after the storm

as I sit here in the local grocery store in my town a sense of gratefulness over takes me. It flows like honey. For the sour has been barfed up. The sour things I i fired growing up at a child feeling so out of place in a world to busy to notice my cries. 

I cried in a closet. A fort I built for myself when like over welmed me and I would go. And a presence wa there with me in that dark closet where I hid it all deep within. 

I buried it alive within my subsicious being so I could function until I could function no more. And broken, confused a man was sent to me. A man with love u have never seen. So strong and grounding to this have mad woman, child within. 

And a bond that neither of us could severe was there. That I could not run from. And oh I wanted to run. Like a ferrel cat, my body scared and wounded by the truth I hid from all, wanted to bolt. 

So much pain with no answers lay within my fibers and at any moment would trigger those unseen traumatic thoughts and would make me want so bad to run. But he just keep showing up? With more love to cover it. I was taken back by a man such at this. 

He still amazes me with that love? Where did it come from? Not even divorced. Papers filed. He showed to pursue me? Huh? I was dumb founded? And nice. And very attentive? And so good looking. Body and soul. What does a woman do? Well the girls in the back of the Refuge said,” go for it!”

So I did. Thanks ladies. We are going on 12 years together. It has not been easy. Many adjustments. Many. And I still work on it daily. Like a wound that will not heal. I tend to it. Protect it. 

But since I have exposed it. Since I have called everyone of this damned thoughts out of the darkness of my shame cave. You know that unread chapter? That junk room where we put all things misunderstood or confusing? I am seeing things in the new light and what this universe is showing me is so amazing I struggle for words. 

It’s like a sunrise within. It’s like a blessing cloaked by a bunch of so what that you thought was so much. 

I will tell you this. My mama hold the line of where I am and they are. Where I begin and end. And I needed that for sure. While letting this crazy cat out of the bag they have stood strong agains the rage I buried within and showed me the line. And held ther own. 

I am grateful for that. As the tantrum of my inner child calms after the storm of her undoing, a peace that passes all understanding takes its place. As I realize we all are gods children. And Mothers are vessels for God to work. And as we all learn better, by experiences like this, we do better. 

I hope my expression of pain can make it safe for you to heal too. I am not saying you need to do it like me. But find for way to speak those things. So the dawn can come to you too. Let your inner child tell that terrible awful. God cares. And so do I. Your sister in this experience we call adoption. 

I am not aging my inner child will it rise up again. I know not tomorrow. And there is no shame in my game. For christ blood covers it all with grace. For I ask him each day. Will you? See grace in this? 

I do believe truths such as this need some air today. To clear us out. For better things. 

I pray for each one of you here. Lord, I claim healing for each one. And may truth lead them to freedom at last. Amen. 

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