My family

from what I have experienced. My family is close knit. They are very protective of each other and of my Mother. Being a daughter who has been raised by another is probably the most difficult position to be in as a family member. 

When you come back you are not really treated like a sister. You are only around for review. I mean if I was a sister and teated as such? Why the hell would I talk about feeling as though I am on the outside looking in. 

Do people not realize that a person can be in a room full of people and feel all alone. I guess I was a bit psychotic to think they would care like I do. What did they loose? Nothing. I am nothing to them. And they have shown me that. And so I kind of see my Mom treated me like I was this nothing that came and went and hopefully would stay that way. Not fun. 

My sisters are choosing to reach with anger and detachment. And any one of them Could have been me. But for the grace of God go I? I guess I thought they would get that being CHRISTIANs and all. But that is not the case. 

My mom hid me. And was not happy about my return. Fact. And neither were they. I was tolerated. And that is what they do not see that I see. Their lack of actions. Lack of sisterly love. If I do not make my sisters aware of this how can they choose another way?

Do I love my sisters? Hell yes. Do I know them? Hell no. But I do want to share my life with theirs. And they have had a life with the woman I have longed for for years to have and could give two shits about me. How do I come to this conclusion? 

Well. No cards, no calls, no sister weekends, no shopping, no late nite phone calls after to much wine. No secrets. Not even one of them has sent me a card saying they care? Do they have thugs from me to look at what show I cared enough to do something? Yep. They do. 

And it’s to bad that sister baby has to come back and bust your balls. But this is not ok. And I am a sister. Over here. And I have feelings. And I want to know my kin, my siblings? 

Now I am not talking about my sisters on my fathers side. For they have reached out to me. And said kind things to me. And have read my posts. Each one. And that means the world to someone waking up like me. 

Family is what you make it. And if it’s sucking change it. It takes us all to do that? 

I wonder. Why they have no room for me in their hearts? Did God just scoop it all out? I wonder? Do they care for each other or are they just going through the motions?

Jesus said to love thy brother as thyself. Hmmm. Guess you could say sister? I would like to forge a strong bond with these woman I share DNA with. But how? 

I have sent emails and cards. Should not a person wTer what they wish to grow? And yet they don’t show any signs of caring for their sister? I have not had one burthday with my sisters? I have invited my big sister down to visit. And she graciously accepted. 

Guess you can’t have it all is what we say here? But why? This is an infinite wirld and God cares for us all? Why?  I guess my experience has made me different it seems. I guess I see it way differently then they?

From my trainig. I can see that headship play a role in relationships. And if moms not ok with me, well, sister will not be either. 

My kids told me after I had come up to visit my Mom, that she could give a shit about talking to them if they could not talk to me. That y til they changed she would not talk to them. And I owe her a thank you for respecting me that much to draw a line in her own relationship with them, for me. I am thankful for a daughter like that. 

Life is not easy. But with kids that get it and get you. It helps. 

Thank you for diving deep with me.  

What is love? A word? Or an action? And if it is an action, what is said when that action is nonexistent? 

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