This letter, email is stream of consciousness, from my inner parts that I have hidden from view for years. For fear of rejections and abandonment. But to deny these feelings and the power they hold is to deny myself, to reject myself, and abandon me. So here we go. This is rough and I am not editing this. So its all over the place, like all these swirling things with no answers are inside my brain. Here you go. A look into my world, my shame cave. it a bit rumpled and jacked up and I am working on being more coherent, it is a process, coming together. But I hope you glean some wisdom from my words here. I hope you heal it, and do the work. For it is rewarding to see folks heal, and to feel yourself heal.
Anger is a wounds friend, for it shows the wound. And when untended, it festers.
Why do we say Moms are so giving? Why do we pretend? If a Mom can not step up to the plate, God placed her at? Then what? What?
My email reads.
I am pissed off.
And I am honest, you can not take that from me. You just suck at my kind of honesty.
It sucks, I am your kid, your daughter and I am here trying to get this movement started, I am trying to make things to provide something towards my family,with my gifting, Many gifts you possess as well. And you are over there in your insane asylum. Thinking God know what and not here with me. And that sucks. I need a damn ceramic saw and my Mom has one and I can’t even get past this past so we can start again. She so stuck and damn stubborn in her mentality that she can not see the blessing that God has placed before her, her daughter. Damn this all to hell. I condemn such a thing, and I command all heaven with God will, that they tear this strong hold down in the name OF Christ energy. Including myself of course. I ask for all heaven to rally for us and rip the scales and blinders from our eyes. I ask to see Gods higher truth here and that My blessed Mothers eyes will be opened. I ask that you dissolve the mentality she and I have in Christ name and leave no stone unturned in your purge.I call in the evolution of my families mind set this day in all directions of time.
It sucks your brain is so turned around, how do I know? I listen to you. I watched you for 23 years. Looking for a way in and the only way is straight at the brain of yours. you know, the one that told you I was a mistake? You know the one that made you give me away? If that mind was not under Gods rule at the time, yep, you know who did it. You, your small self, not connected to your higher power. And I am trying so hard to show you this truth and the way out from it, which is into a great relationship, the one yowling for, God is working here, and we must climb higher in our mentality then the 60’s. What did you think this would look like? You wait your friend who’s relationships so good? They will be coming to us for healing. We got this Mama. You got this, your ready to face it. And stop telling me you have nothing to face, I am before you, face me. And as we face it, it dissolves, mama, the truth sets us free. But its balls to the walls mama. No wincing, no turning away. I wills stand and witness it, It is hard yes. But if we faint not in our well doing, we will reap.
Mama, I am a child of the darkness, how do you think God helps us? I walked in the darkness to show you the light. Without darkness we know not the brilliance of light. Black is no color, but all color. Light illuminate that color, darkness sucks it in to itself. You are in the darkness and you need my light of truth to illuminate what you seek with your soul to find. Your soul speaks to me, and I send you love, My flesh is tired too. And we need to just boot camp this shit out of the park.
Great blessing are beyond this block between us. I ask you to pray over this email before you respond and ask God for a sign to tell you the way. Remember gramma, and what she showed you a spiritual woman was. I know you do not like the light on you. I get it, no one does. But you put me into the light of it all. Sending me to a stranger to raise me, I saw many things from an observers view. I thought by being a good sport and doing this for you, you would give me the respect a daughter is due for doing her part and executing my position. I have been an example for countless people that would have not gotten that help had you kept me. I know I am nailing your flesh to the wall with Gods help and it must happen to learn and grow. You don’t know it all. You don’t know my world. and I work to know yours. But it must be give and take. You want it all and don’t play fair. I imagine being an only child could cause that, but I did not get to. Nope, did not. Had to share and I do, like a badass.I help my brothers and sister be better for knowing me and that include you.
Saturn is the planet of karma. Karma is a feedback loop that we cause, and now your mad about the feedback coming back at you? Seriously woman, do your science. This is a cause and affect world, you started a cause by having sex with my Dad, and God marked it with me and that was the affect. You gave me away, which was a cause and now you get me back which is an affect? Wake up. Like who does this? Who treats me like you do? Not my Mama, not without a fight, and I fight fair. I just don’t hold back my truth and dress it up in prettier dresses.
I can take this to the air, probably will anyway, cuz folks need to talk about this shit. It is a pustular systemic infection of many a Mother and child. We are connected damn it, but severed, and bleeding until we get it together, Now I am not messing around. This systemic issue has reached my own baby? She pulled away from her own Mother? A pattern and your letting it continue? Hmmm? Is that what you want? Is that how you want to be treated? Would you do your own Mother that way? Would you not tell her where you are, or call or say goodbye? And yet you have stood by and allowed my daughter under your hand of guidance to do just that? Is this how you wish your own daughters to treat you?
It is time for change, and we don’t get to the next class without a test and a final review and it sucks my Mama does not like homework long over due. It sucks that your not here, and you know where I live? It sucks we can’t cook together cuz you don’t want to face that I missed you so. For 53 years I have comforted myself. And yet you do not know compassion? For you struggle with my truth? Are we both unable to access the situation? Realize where this has gotten us both? Why is it you can not chase the demons away? Is that not a mothers call? To quiet the fears of her children? No matter what age? Hmm?
I think about us all so much. I think about Mama Jean and how much she could help you understand me and you for that matter. For your there, even though geography separates us, our spirits all are inner twined here.
And it is this connectivity my children feel. And they each are such special beings from us both, and also Mama Jean. We all matter here. And I want to get past this so bad too. But we must go through it Mama, there are no shortcuts. We must follow the narrow path, of truth and honesty. That is where the light is that can heal all wounds. And from what I have witnessed, you have one. Me.
And if I am wounded, so are you Mama. I know. You wanted to show me your strength, to guide me. But Mama there is great strength in honesty. And I am so strong after living through the slap you gave me into this earth. My wounds have been many and I have been showing you the scares. Hard word to type. It’s like a circus move or something to type scares.
Anyway, back to this message. I am sending my most precious love towards you, the love from the child within, to give you strength to stand up and help me make it better. Tell the terrible awful Mama. I refuse to allow you to lie to my face to save face. That way is out of date and God is calling us higher. Step in line. If your truth be known? Who can use it against you? When you tell it all? Only those who know you lie. And I got a bead on you Mama, I have the inside track and Gods my friend and not even you can stand in the way of that as we read in the scriptures in Matt 10 is says Christ energy came to make us enemies? Where are the enemies? Those rulers in dark pplace, where is that? The mind. It is what we think that causes us so much grief. And the things projected onto me, like Jesus, Have weighted me down and I thought I would tell you so you could realize that and alter your course into a better direction of being, and a relationship worthy of us. You may not like me right now, but you will respect me, if you wish to have respect. For respect is a cause, and to get it we must send it out, if we wish it to come back to us. Feed back loops of thoughts go out and get you what you send out. Send out good things for me, send out good things for us. Stop castatrphising about what the world said we should act like? We are you children still? We are loving you from afar, like Queen Elizabeth did of her fathers kingdom, and was rewarded by taking his thrown to new heights for woman. She was a rebel. An orphan of sorts. Not allowed to walk the hallowed walls of her fathers house for years, to rise to stand before all her people and rein well. Her training was in the house without her father. And she ruled the out cast with a firm and loving, adoring hand. She is admired and revered all over, and won that status for her honesty, and commitment to the higher cause, not just her own. She is my Avatar. I wish to rule myself such as she. And so extend my hand to you in honest communication in hopes to build a solid bridge between us. And there are weeds of mentality in our way a nd they must be lovingly plucked out and nourishment must be placed at the spot the weed was, for weeds are soil amenders and tell us of the soils deficiency, what gardener would not want to know that? Work with nature? And these are the things our same lord, has shown me, your child, from afar. And now I have come to your Queendom many times to be treated as a popper, or a tramp. One picture Mother, one, is that all you think of me? You get upset I have not messaged Chelsie do you? Well, that what my Mom does to me? And then sends me bible scriptures! yeah! Beat me over the head with the code book, I guess you didn’t know it was for you too, so hit away? Or shall I? I little sick humor to drive a point home, you seem to be lagging my dear.
I am just getting started, and maybe here is best, I think all Moms should see how I felt, I am bad cop, so their stories should not be so bad or maybe it will be the warm up, but ladies, you need to get to this one. It is time. No more lies, lived to please society. No more running from Gods gifts? And own your shit for God sake? Own it. I fucked up and have learned so much, I love you, but I think you hate me. Ok, there, thats a start.
We need to barf this shit up. It is killing us all, how we feel concerns this universe, which is God. And our intel is important. And relationships should not be severed, but transcend, and we need to eat better to feed the brain, so we can expand our thinking. Are you done? Are you dead?
It did not look like it to me, but you could be doing extremely better with me, and then you would be better. Its like leaving an open wound unattended to woman, and then showing it off to the neighbors. If you think folks don’t know? My sisters want to talk to you so bad. And want us all to be better? Their hearts hurt too? And Liz, she upset, too, she got something upsetting her. And Your so hard to talk to about shit. And you need to let loose and take your licks, we all got um coming? And you want to learn it now, not later on the other side, because thats review. And then you try again. Lets get it now, lets learn now, lets come together and show the world Christ love is enough, with open honest communications we can. Let it out, purge the old and begin anew. This is my work. And it is key I succeed with my own family. Pray. I am putting this on my blog. And I want all Mothers to see my heart. And I want them to mourn, and grieve the lost time, lost everything, loss of themselves. For God is bring kids home and there is much work to integrate them into the fold, each one will train others why we do not do this. This is a ditch effort, it is a pitfall and not productive for our species in the way we are cutting children off from there families of origin. We have devaluated the power of DNA coding and the psyche of the child. Research is here to show that babies form cells of their own within the brain of the Mother. And so that means it hard wired in mama, I know I am talking your language now. Listen to me. This is important, each family that heals, heals us all a little more. We must accept that we have an affect on this world. And alter Our thinking to line up with what we truly want? We must remove faulty wiring and replace it with new, we must see that our pebble has a ripple affect and come back to us. Mine was sent out with force and has returned to you with the force in which you sent me. Dont kill the messenger. You sent it out. And now I brought back, but not like you thought it would be.
Cuz, your hard on yourself girl, did you think I did not learn that from your DNA coding? Hello? Like come on? Get that gray matter going. Have you bought that protein shit yet? Link below:
For God sake get amazon prime membership, it comes in two days.
There is a lot there you can have in a day if you want? A little extra, usually like 3.99 for next day? Like hello!
Anyway, if you expect to keep up with the times you better start nourishing you body with that, and my kraut and diatomaceous earth like Vick said. Take the damn stuff, or you will be in that nursing home your headed for! Quality is all we have control of here, it is the only variable, free will, which by the way is not free. We all pay, if a ripple affect hit another free will, its not free. If people get drowned out by storms we loose too.
There is so much more about this earth we have not connected. But I have seen many connections, but first the most important, that of a Mother and child. For Christ showed us with Mary his Mother? Her value. He died for her too, he took her sins, or missed marks. And I have done the same as your child. I have walked in your perceived missed mark, and been the child of such a woman as this? I have wandered, and wonder who the hell am I? Desired to see your face before me, full of love.
If you are full of love for me Mother, then what do you war with? AAAAHHHH! For we wrestle not with what? Let me post it here.
Ephesians 6:12King James Version (KJV)
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
ˌprinsəˈpalədē/ Seems like other countries? To me. I don’t have the greek, but Chelsie will be along shortly to give that side or light to it. Chelsie is
plural noun: principalities
a state ruled by a prince.
(in traditional Christian angelology) the fifth highest order of the ninefold celestial hierarchy.
These all are up, what is the highest place on our body? Our mind? Where is the darkness? Our mind. What is not seen? The thoughts in the mind, unless we watch the actions? But still that is not enough? To work to see and bring our light to those who are not enlightened or learned in the ways of adoption is to miss the mark.
To forge anew, we must look at today? We must look at what our actions have gotten us. Mine have been doing nothing but trying to get through to you. And I use a bit of psychological warfare to work you around to cough it up. I did not realize that I had that gift, but it helps when trying to help folks see what their souls longs for them to see.
What is my soul saying? Truth will set me free of this, but a witness is needed. Truth.
Who will be the witness of my pain? A mother is so revered for her healing way? No?
A Mother is a counselor no? But you’ve given up on us, the day you block me? And now I am pissed, yes. For what I see? And we could have so much more? So much? But if we can not even make it through this? What are we? Where is Christ’s love in blocking?
You are my Mother, and to all those who are not. Listen. Love is beyond this point. Love for you is huge with us kids of yours, but you must educate yourselves, do the work, mourn publicly, talk about it to your child, mourn again and heal. The updates will bring immense healing. We must glean from our past struggles, talk, update, come together, unit, change, grow, learn, teach each one, so we do not do this again? If everyone knew how we really felt? Like really, deep inside where we hide it? They would change.
And your the first Mama, you need to see this. I am bringing this change. And you need to get it. No more time to lounge around, and serve others before me your child? What is gained? If you can not even see christ in me? What are you? Without me? A woman living a lie. Because the jig is up, I will no longer play this codependent game of societies making. You are my Mother, DNA links me to you? And if not? Then give me her name, because I need my Mother by my side, strong enough to take even my truth.
Just because you did not prepare, does not mean you can not start? like what the hell kind of a grandma are you? Is this how you teach yours to act?
Well, I guess you do. Chelsie lynn has been gone for three years and came over once and was made cuz I did not fall all over her? Like has she looked at how you treat me? One picture? On an obscure shelf no one looks at? Thanks. I took yours down, you never even once called and wanted to see me? You never invited me on the Mother daughter weekends? Excluded? And you want me happy about that? I could give two shits about your excuses? Where are you?
Like what the hell? You do not get out of this. Dont you see? I found you, with Gods help, and people who cared enough for me to show me, help me. And you dare to spit on that? You spit on God. If you think he is not behind this? You really need professional help too.
When you said to me, I am not your Mother? And I said God told me, as I pointed to my wrist, It in my DNA, it links me to you, first. You gave up on yourself, if you want me to give up on you, you chase me off, being so cruel, cuz you are waiting for a shoe to drop, when it is the shoe you beat yourself with.
Now, open up that heart. Let me in, I know where the hurt is, lets get it out. It our hearts, they have been torn apart, and God needs to heal it. Let God do his work for god sake. Geez your a tough cookie, but I am tougher than the rest. I came from you. I will not give up on us and what God has shown me that we all can be, if we will just be honest and talk. Yell, stomp, get it out. We don’t need to hurt one another, for we are already hurt. We just rub against it when we communicate. It is hard to think a child could be this psychically connected to their Mom who gave them away, but I am.
If people come to my house, and then go to yours, they know I am from you. No doubt. Mine is messy too, and full of all kind of things. And I help folks with whatever I can, like you. And I have opinions too, strong ones like you. But Some of yours and mind need updating and that takes input and downloads and deleting files that do not serve.
Ask Liz, she is scared shitless about her son? Why? Cuz of us? Cuz you are being so stubborn and unmovable, I mean you can have respect, but look at your views. Do you have all the info? Do you? Have you studies? And you are leading her? Right down the rosy path? When I could be really helping her prepare? To learn to be real, so when he come they are ready for it all. It is work, and it is a good work. What better work than to bring on back into the fold? Right? And Jesus even spoke on that? So roll those sleeves up? And lets get to it. And show folks it can be done right, not this half ass shit.
Total disclosure, transparency. What do we have to hide from when all our missed marks will be shown?
Lets shoot higher? Lets climb higher in our thinking. Lets let God show us a new way? To help make it better for others not to fall here? Isn’t that what feedbacks about? We tell you about our experiences and you adjust to have a better affect? Right?
How do you come back to a woman you never served? How can you bow when you have bowed to no one except God? Do you wish for a strong daughter or a weak one? My mind set maybe skewed, but you left me there without working it out? I am showing up and working, where are you? Where?
Its bootcamp time. I am your damn daughter and it time you stepped up and stood at attention. For we all do in court? We all do in church? And yet we can not give the respect we wish to receive by being living example? I came and worked at your home? To show you, a piece, to see if you would appreciate it? To test you, yes I will test you, damn right?
And test me too? Lets go, no gloves. I am strong. And I am tougher than the rest, you made me that way. What in the hell are you waiting for? Blessings are beyond the challenge? Dont you watch Ninja warrior? Gotta go through the hoops and hills and whatever to get the prize? What are you waiting for?
Lord, bless these words, vibrations, may they pierce the air waves, may they break throughout the collective consciousness of this planet. May change begin with me. I showed up. Is there anyone else out there showing up?
Lets clean this shit show up. Lets do better? Lets learn better? lets talk? Lets communicate? Lets serve? Lets receive? Lets grow and learn connections are helpful when we work together not against each other?
The views expressed her are the opinions of this Adoptee from her 53 years of experiential research, my life. All rights to the words are the Author, Belinda Gayheart-Arnold on this day 9/28/2016 4:28 Pac