Was the day the old you died. And you thought you closed the book and moved to a new library. But this book found the new library that you live at. But it does not take Way the years of loss that I felt. You talk of love from your grandkids. They love you so. I guess you must believe I hate you. But what I hate is this. Separation. I despise a world that would allow us to be separated. Being a mom is a sovereign call. And you did not show Up? You just gave your gift back to God and someone else? So queer. So strange. It would appear You are still there at that place in time. So far away in your head. So far away from the part of yourself that lives within me.
I wonder sometimes how someone could do that to themselves?
I may not appreciate the you you are now, all the time. Cuz your a bit material. But I pray God pours water on the parts I remember and grows some of that Cuz I miss that woman. I miss my Mana.
We may never connect. I don’t know the future. And you act kind of iffy. And God knows what that Mind of yours has cooked up about us, me, and my dad.
You tell me that chelsieCame up and told you she had a bad idea about you? And I gave t to her? Well that is because she has watched her mama struggle for years to. Get through to You and your daughters. Chelsie has seen me cry about it. She knows my heart about it.
But things are still the same as 1963. Your busy. Or upset. Or whatever. But one thing’s the same. Your not here. Your in your own little world you made without me. The world where I was not even remembered. Only one picture in your house of me. Only one of my kids.
And you know what? You made no room in the inn of your heart for me. You locked me out. You say I am in and I know what in feels like. But don’t think I will fall apart. I won’t. What you have seen of late is how it felt growing up. I let the child that live within us all speak of her tusks growing up. If my presentation was confusing or erratic? Well. Welcome to my world. I am not mad. Just kind of disgusted that you have so much compassion for everyone but the person God made within you? Interesting?
And if only an email address to communicate with your mother is your ideas of in? Well. There Ya go. You. Are the woman who made me. There was a time you were my Mother, my mama. But those days are gone. And she is gone. I checked. I came and looked for her. But I only found her in the mirror looking back at me. And thats ok. She’s safer here with me anyway. By the way you have changed since my birth, only a remnant of her still is.
You did not want to help me with my need for closure. You don’t realize that I have had an open wound in my heart for years surrounding the pain I felt being given away by my own Mom. Pinning for you. For your love. Trying to figure out what went wrong , and with little information about my beginnings. You know. To a child who’s family has been removed and kept from her, they mean a lot. So much. You look in the mirror your Whole life trying to figure out who You are, why you look like you do, why you act like you do? Who’s eyes do I have? Who’s laugh? Do I walk like my parents. All those seeming needless details people take for granted are magnified when denied you.
God has shown me. It matters. And if it matter to me, it matters to God. And God gave me this. Not you. You submitted I guess. If you call that submission.
I have really never felt so Unwelcomed in a house in my life as when I was at yours. And you are my Mama. This life is so strange. Starters love you more than your own mama. But all you want is her the illusion you came from. No one knows Tha madness they call adoption. It is self inflicted psychosis.
You can write me back or not. Or cut this last line off. You made your choice. And you evidently can not change that choice now. Maybe God cut us off? Or was it you?
If you think I can just take how you feel about me and my dad. It is unfortunate you are so easily upset.
I have been upset my whole Life. Anxiety and all That. I struggle to find my way. And somedays still struggle.
It not fun when your own foundation crumbles. Mothers are foundations. But evidently God places babies in other WOMANS bodies? Who knew? God makes babies in bodies that can’t. And then has the mother gives them away? And send the child away with no instructions, not medical history, nothing? Who’s does that? Does black and decker do that? Guess I need to study someMore. As far as I have read in the bible. Adoption was created to safe babies from Harm. But even Moses suckled from his mothers breast?
I guess you probably would have harmed me. Is that the message? Stay away or I will
You not really pleased with how I turned out. And you’re the one who sent me there?
I am gonna get this out. All
It’s no fun with all This in here. And I do feel I speak for many who can not.
This is an email I was gonna send to my birth Mom. But thought it would be better served her.
I do not feel she hears me at all. And so I want you all to see what I go through. Trying to connect with where I came from. The pictures are ugly. Cuz my mom got told and believed I was a mistake?
What is this world coming to if this world can not send children to the woman they want and have them be safe?
Woman need to understand the ability to conceive and cocreated can be taken away by this planet? It can. Is that what we want? To
Have out abilities taken away Cuz we do not play by the rules? Why are rules in place? Why Should we follow higher law rules?
Like keep the baby sent to you? Do we know know that the reason will be shown while they grow. If we look for the blessing instead of the curse.
Why can e not educate all being here abot the higher laws that we can not avoid. Like what you sow, that you will also reap? My moms out to luch if she thinks she gets out of the end of her experience by? We all get to see what seeds we have grown.
Children are seeds that grow. What have you grown? A whirlwind? Or a calm stream?
Well. I am a tornado. And there really is no stopping a tornado. So good luck. My truth is legit. I lived it. I lived a lie. Was a lie. And they wondered why I lied? What can a person be when feed so much untruth?
That God. The truth sets us free when we let it
Thanks for going deep
With me today.
The writing structure here is a new one. Unedited stream of consciousness. Thank you for readying my truth. I pray it helps you come to a
More complete truth. Xo