But this is what I am talking about. The link to you is crucial. And when severed it has a lasting affect on the child. Me. I am a normal adoptee. When you know what to look for. Actually I am above normal. I have adapted tremendously. So well. I now wish to change things so it does not have to be so hard on us.
I hope your past the guilt. So you can step up and help me understand what my body is going through. It says we stay this way, but I am going beyond it. And according to them your doing it all wrong which exacerbates my situation. But who knew? I have only just now come to
These words that explain how I feel to you. You are a good mommy. And if you knew this would do this to me? Well? I think you may have reconsidered. But what I am concerned about is babies having this done to them over and over and over we play the same card. And look at this? And me? Was it worth it? In the end? I do feel God is asking as well as me? And I know. That’s a tough question. And I am on thin ice, where you left me. But you can open the door of your heart and we can deal with this. Cuz. I have worked so
Hard to be a good girl in life. But I just broke down mama. Why give a shit. Why? Who cares if your mama don’t care. Look at Chelsie Lynn. That’s me mama. That’s me. So young and all turned around.i have lived my life like Chelsie. Helping people and trying to be positive. She came up there not knowing which way to turn. Thank you for being there for here. I am grateful and jealous all at once. She knows how much I want what she has with you. And I do not blame her for taking care of herself. For I struggle with that. I am working on it right now. But I am a giver. It’s i guess how I stay safe. But I am tired of earning love by the things I do for others. I long to be cherished by you. Yes you. It has always been you my whole life and I have felt shame for my love for you. people say to me why do you want her? She didn’t want you? Like what the hell? But I will not any longer be made to feel such a way. For God places this love within a child. And I will not disobey that rule. For I can not. I am smitten by my Mother. So silly I have lived my life with it together. And God has undone me. Yes. God. For I was spun up so tight, so manicured, so perfect. I could not breath. Does not God have love for all things created. And yet I did not get the memo. Why do I feel the way I feel?No councelor can tell me. They shake their heads. I am so tired of these feelings washing over me? I could screen Mama. It was so hard being with you. I just want us to be friends. For you to look upon me as a blessing in your life? And yet I am a mess. And when I come around I feel it. A mess. And I didn’t even want to sleep in the house. I felt like sleeping outside with the cats. That felt better. And I do not know why? I just feel this way. And it feels like some damn I had held back that I had been holding so long, that I forgot about it, and It broke and I broke. I no longer could hold it back. And waves of penned up emotions wash over me from days gone by. I am a Christian for God sake! I am one of gods chosen. Like everyone else? I do wish to know what God wishes to teach me? But these feelings are so strong. I have not felt joy in so long. I felt it with you some. When you seemed ok with me. I felt it rise up for a minute. I felt like I could be proud of being from you. That you might think it nice. Maybe. But my body shuts it down. It’s like someone turns the light off again. I hope this does not upset you to much as I am upset most days these days. It’s like a crap
Shoot. Some days I wake and cry. And here we go. And I used to be able to push it away. But it’s in my face as you can see. I guess non of the girls are as graphic or open, lucky me? With the dark side? Anyway. If you read this it will
Probably make you sad I guess. And then explain to you who I am the way I am and what I have been up against? I just want you to understand me or at least be honest about where I am. I always felt fearless. In control. And then this started. Ugh.
And for Mama Jean. This is a triad folks. It’s not about either or its about us all as a team. If I win we all win. But if one is uncomfortable. All should help to ease that discomfort. Not just act like it isn’t.
Love you both. That’s how it really is. But this emotional thing. Oh my. It’s over welming at times.