Prayer

Adoptees need prayer. 

We are up against so many preconceived notions about who, what, and how we are. And why we are? We wonder so many things. We have so many questions that have not been answered. 

We are like Sony radios that our moms gave away, because of some dumb reason. 

These are the ones I see. 

1. We were created without proper licensing. (A marriage license). So dumb. 

2. We are basicly put into the witness protection program without our permission. Like babies are not safe to stay with the woman God gave us to. Of course man knows better than god what’s going down? Right? Lordy. 

3. We are removed from woman who’s only crimes was conception. Why?  Oh, that’s right. The bible tells us so. 

4. We are raised by strangers who have no idea what they are doing. And have not even had 9 months of physical preparations for us. Hell, they have no cells within them to help us. We must start from scratch. 

5. We are expected to act like every other child out there who’s parents kept them. That’s a big one. Cuz hello! We are not like other children. Ok? 

6. We are expected to go on without even the chance to grieve a loss everyone agrees we will never get over. With a smile. And are told we have a Mother if we wonder abot the first one we had. 

7. We must go through life wondering who and why we are. Why we act like no one else we are now related to. 

8. We are forced to live without proper papers and heritage records. We don’t even know our family medical records. We could be walking health time bombs. 

9. We are forced to live without even knowing why this has happened to us. 

10. Our mothers are so turned around that they dont even realize consciously what the hell they have done. So trusting in a governent and church that surely would not harm either of us? Right? 

11. We are forced to live without our families. Our mothers. And if we say we are not happy? We are ridiculed and put down for being ungrateful for All of the things I mention above this statement. 

Way to go people. Way to go. We are so superior. Such a species to do this to our own. 

Being adopted is like riding a horse in a car race. Dumb as hell. Why? 

And if it’s so great. Then why do we have to go through life without our mothers? Is that God? Are we putting this one on gods will? 

I do see one reason for doing this. Change it. Cuz it’s just hard. And now that I am old enough. I see that no child. Should have to endure this. And we need to make a change. 

The Fog appears to be lifting

Talked to my Bio Mom, and something happened. A change. A shift. I have been working on updating her for months now, years. And it is hard work. There are so many expectation about what adoption is, means, and what it is to be? I mean we all get told something, right? And is that really the whole truth without an Adoptees real time, down and dirty, research, from experience?

How can my Mama really know the truth without my truth? And that is what all this is about. Messy, yes. And it is truly a labor of love. I have two Mothers, one who is visible, and one who has been invisible. And the invisible one is part of my psyche.

Psyche is the Mind, Body, Spirit combination that we all are. And well, relationships are part that psyche. When a relationship with your own Mother is compromised, it affect you all the way. And to go on without proper updates and such is not conducive to a healthy psyche. Many do go on, and live. But their well being is comprised in totality, they live, but not to the fullest extent. What we wrestle with is our ideas of each other. We struggle to adjust from all the misinformation we received apart? And when you get back together, you must purge those ideas that do not serve.

Many Bio Moms live with guilt, and shame. They hide it, yep. But when a child given away at birth comes home? They are like a beacon, they hone right in on those subtle and destructive energies. Why? Because children heal you, that is why?

Science has shown that children can heal a mothers body while in her womb. That is amazing! But children can heal a broken heart too. One that was broken many years ago. After relinquishment. I am working to show you how I am doing it. I hope you glean from my experience, and work to heal the tear in your own family psyche.

God designed us to stay with our parents, and then to grow up and move on. But when you are separated at birth, there is an unspoken rule, which is to reunite. As I see it, we are way off course if we are not supporting those reunions. For children are gift to the ones they are given to. And if that gift is refitted and not open and enjoyed, well, it is like an unopened gift from a king? Not a good thing to just do that.

I do know that God wants us back. My story is one of restoration.  But that did not come free. I had to dig in, and do the work to escalate the old out, and make room for new.

 

I will tell you the shift after this week. Pray for my Mother and I. I am cutting new ground for us, by just pushing through and past all that goop. Love will win out.

What Adoptees need is full circle. And we must educate our Mothers and Fathers to the truth if we wish to succeed. This does matter to the nation of Adoptees. It matters to me to see my people heal. So I do this for us. To start the conversations to heal.

I hope you find comfort and hope in my willingness to be the fool, so we can learn. xo

Father’s Day 

I only knew my birth Father for three years. To tell you the truth, I really had not even thought to look him up. But God had other plans. Good plans. A blessing. From a man I had never met, but who had made an indelable mark within my very dna. 

I was blessed to have known him for that long. For I feel he was at his best when I met him. And the man he showed me was a caring man. I am a blessed only child of two, (what the world would call wreck less people in the 60’s), who came together so god could make me. 

Being adopted means you know what family really means. For to have to go through life without even your true identity, makes you appreciate any bone they throw you. My Mama and I fight. And if that is all I am to get. Well, ok. 

I picked these tow woman before I got here. We all do. 

But we come here to do something bigger than what was done to get you here. 

I am proud of my parents. I am proud of them all. I am here because things got out of hand. And who made that wrong? A tornado gets a bit out of hand? Oh, yes it does. So, sometimes, God lets things get out of hand, so someone like me can get here to do what I came to do. 

Which is be adopted and report about it. And have fun. Be creative. Change some shit. And be kind and inspirational. 

I am unorthodox. Yes. But with time, you’ll see. I am true blue. 

Happy Father’s Day. 

And remember this. There are no mistakes here. Only learning. 

Don’t judge yesterday’s actions that got you that hard earned wisdom. For without yesterday’s actions, you would not have the truth. Be kind to yourself. There is grace here. Remember? Don’t make the cross in vein? 

Everybodies got dirt

we all act like we are all so clean. But that is so silly. I mean who are we really trying to fool? Seriously? Who? 

And my first not better or worse than yours. But I do feel. And he has shown me that the time to purge is here. And only those who do the work will reap the rewards, which are, what is ahead. 

See, how do you expect to recieve anything new from God with old things still within you? That just does not make sense folks. We got to clear out some space, and that means house cleaning of the inner soul kind. 

We adoptees have so much within that need to be shared. We are the Amazon customers who do not, have not, and need to give our honest feedback. See, how can this world even get us when we hide how we feel and glaze over our feelings like many of us do, out of that’s just how we learned to protect ourselves. 

Not every adoptee may feel like me. But I have spoken to many and, well, there are a lot of you who do feel like me. But that look in your eyes. The one you shoot at me when I get close to your truth. The one that says, don’t open that door, I don’t understand what’s behind there. And people don’t like that room full of questions. And if you open that I will feel exposed and vulnerable, please, I don’t know that I am ready. Is it safe? Yet? 

I am working so that we all can be safe. By blowing the lid off this shit house. It’s time. For us to speak. I am out here with some other who are stepping up to say. 

Come on. The waters fine. We are here. And we will make it safe. They will listen. We will make them. Our rights are up now. As we take our place here and demand what is ours as every other person here. 

We take our cues from Martin Luther King Jr.  

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Read more at: http://mobile.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth101472.html

Let’s talk about light. What is it? It is an energy. It is illumination of something dark. 

Let’s talk about darkeness. Darkeness is what is unknown. That is what we have. Ok. No people out in this wide world are in the dark. They think that they are in the light about adoption. All these churches are saying how much light is here? But we know a truth they do not want to see, a truth no ones talking about. 

It’s like painting over a rusty piece of metal. Not going to work. And that’s kind of how life functioned back in the day. And still today to an extent. 

This is about pulling the veil back. At showing them what we have. So we all can learn and heal. For if we are wounded, all of humanity is. If we are freaks? We are their freaks. 

Love you. Really. We are all brothers and sister in this. And if we do not make sense. Then maybe we need to change this? 

I would rather go down swinging. Then to passively stand by. Xo

Emails to my Mother

Ok, if I have to put up with this trying to get back home. You guys can look at this ugly mess too. This is really what it looks like in my world to reunite with  my Mama. Let us read and learn. I am not saying what right and wrong is anymore. I am saying what is. And no body knows what is right except the child. The Mother, is programed to feel and think a certain way, the only way out of that mental mess is education. Let us begin.

 

To Change!

This below is from My Birth Mother. We have been fighting.The fight is about us trying to talk about our pain. And I am talking, she is fighting and not accepting what is showing up. I hope that this can help folks to heal. I do this for those who want to get ready to meet their child again. And for those that need to forgive themselves, and for those that still feel their babies are mistakes. WE grow up. WE have hearts. And they beat for our Mothers. WE may not like the woman this world made our Mothers have to be, but we. still love them. And those that love each other, fight to see and to be seen.

As I see it, she is very polar. And what i mean is, one way or the other. And that is common these days. If someone says something that you don’t understand, some people fight it, and think that their view is true. I do not prescribe to my own truth, but tell mine so we can adjust.

What I mean is to come to a complete truth, which includes hers and mine and a more complete truth. For my truth is mine, but hers can change mine, and my view point? It is like we are in trees and I yell out, ” This is what I see!” And then she should yell out, “Well, this is what I see”. But what we do is, or many people do, and my Birth Mother is, saying, “That is so not the truth!”, From her tree, she is trying to tell me what I see from my tree matches what she sees from her tree? How can she know my view? Without coming up in my tree? Which after 23 years! I have not been able to even begin a foundation, she burns it down. Now, I can see that is about her.

I have done this, and that. And put up with this and that. I mean my sisters could give a rats ass about me. And thy mutter some nonsense about how I act. And there was a time that I did not act like this. I was willing and wrote letters and looked for signs that they would accept me. I saw only one who tried. But in the end did not have what it took to cross over our fragile bridge. My Mother and the world had programed her to damn me too. Like Queen Elizabeth I was removed from my family of origin and raised in a distant place. But as we can see, she was someone really special, and what that shows is we all are special. All of us. Yes, you, even if you gave a child away, are special and your child is special too. Fuck what they said about you. God is not swayed by social opinion. Jesus told the woman who was caught in adultery, “Where are your accusers?, Go and sin (which means to miss the mark), no more, Neither, do I condemn the.  That is a paraphrase. And it makes sense to me. God is for us. And even like this, me and my Mama are loved always, so our fights are just to people trying to be seen, and we adjust each time.

Birth Mama’s email-

This is the last time I am responding to you. You have NO IDEA what my thoughts were or are!! Contrary to your mind—you cannot read my mind! If you are saying actions speak louder than words then look in the mirror? Look at yours! You love to put me down for thoughts and things that I have not even come close to thinking.
Just because Chelsie was born of you does not mean she is like you. She is fighting not to be! She gets it and she is loving and kind.
The knife in my hand was one I was bringing home from MY cooking class. I took it in to do prep work!! I do not go around with one in my hand!
Do you ever read what you write? Condense your thoughts. And do not throw God into this. He does not sanction actions such as yours. He is a loving God !
This is pointless. You keep saying you are done and then come right back. I answered you to provide the info you requested not to get in a shooting match and being put down by you once again! Take your hostility and anger someplace else and I do not need to read your mind to recognize it!!

Sent from my iPhone

 

Below is what I sent back. And I have not edited this. So be kind in the sense that this is hard to expose for people to see and learn. I do this for us all to raise the consciousness. Thank you, it does matter that you are here. And my numbers each day are encouraging me to go on. To pierce the veil that separate us all from seeing, Adoption is not a solution, it is a problem.

 

Hello-

Thank you for a response at all. It is not really like I have asked you a lot of questions you know? And we don’t really even have some common ground, nor content for you to understand this child. And yes, like you I get all polar and try to pull away. But this is what I see. I can not. And the bond we have is staring us both in the face. And we both need to accept that we are just fish out of water and don’t get each other at all? We have changed. I am more like a wild version of you. And it is hurtful you chide me about being wild? I just know this. Your the woman that made me. And a child’s heart is always for their Mother, even when she seems to act like a strange, er. You do act strange. So do I. But I hold to the truth, like a mast at sea. You are my true North, if you can’t help me no one can.
Why do you tell me to go to strangers all the time? I went with this woman? Isn’t that enough? I have learned to love her in my own way. She will never be you. I have let go of my raising, and am trying to integrate it all, You, her, my family heritage, and my medical history. It is a lot to do alone. She really does not know any other way than me, like this. All crazy. She does not care. But my children and you all, see me another way? She does not care how I am. And it is not very nice of you to have such expectations on me, since you sent me to her?

And Chelsie. That was hurtful. And yes I see that. I know why my Daughter struggle with me. For I am a freak. This has made me this way, to you, now to them. And they are ashamed of me. The world told me not to find you, but I did not listen. I am a gift, from God. And when you die, you will be able to see my like I really am, inside, where you can not see. I try to show you, but like a child trapped in a body that does not work right, here I am. I feel like a Gay person coming out. I feel like a autistic child trapped in a body that makes me look like a clown. And you show me that.

I have seen the truth. I am a freak. Thank you. I already knew.

Belinda

I show you a side no one has seen, but maybe my children. I love my Adopted Mother, it is hard to say the truth, and how it felt. But I have lied to long. I miss my Mother so bad, my heart is broken. And shame on you for trying to make me feel guilty for a natural feeling! Damn it all!

I just want to heal. I want to clear the weeds away, and what I mean by weeds is the thoughts that keep us strangers, my Mother and me.   I desire to just let all this out, so I can come to ground Zero with this. I love everyone, but he way we are playing this game, private adoptions, Adoptions, Foster care, taking kids away from parents that need education, when we know damn well we are a bunch of lazy ass American and we are ripping children lives apart, to do what? Stop a moral dilemma? This madness must stop. I am calling a wake up call!

 

I call bullshit! Adoptions nothing more than human trafficking, and taking our civil rights away is despicable. I am just getting started. I you can’t keep up with this, maybe you should be adopted. LOL It makes your brains spin and whirl around trying to figure it all out, and NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT! NOT EVEN MY BIRTH MOTHER. MY  MANUFACTURER. NO LIFE TIME WARRANTY HERE FOLKS. I AM FUCKED IF YOU DON’T HELP ME.

I want my Mothers to be friends, like they really are, in public. I want them to walk arm and arm. They are best friends. My Adopted Mom raised me without even knowing my MOM. That is amazing! And for the good of the child, me, who is still living. I feel that they need to meet to bring it full circle. And like my baby says, drink some tea, like we used to.

I wish to be civilized, but when being treated like this by  you won Mother, well, you can imagine my dismay, and disgust. Being Adopted makes you, or makes me tough. I resurrected my inner Mama, and she a badass. My Mama does know who she talking to, it is her, from he 60’s.

I used to not cuss. And God showed me it was intent, and that I needed to get this all out, and that grace would cover this, that I had trapped, for lack of a place to go with this kind of information. And now I do. I just am not going to be something that I am not, when my own Mother treats me like a vagrant, a baboon, a slut, and piece of shit on her door way.

She tells me my baby is Precious, but I am not?

 

Each day I wake, and I am going to film it so you can see me in the morning, when I am crying as I wake again to a day that I do not have her in my life. It is a thorn in my side. And to have her think of me in these ways. I am unable to hold it in any longer.

 

Thank you for showing up. Thank you for being a witness to my life. You matter. I am praying for us all to get back what is ours. I want to change this world to make it safe for all babies. Our civil rights need to include the unborn child. And God placed me in her for a reason. If my Adopted Moms was supposed to have me? I think God can find her tummy? Dont you think? Are we saying we are  God know? And we can interpret Gods ways? LOL

Let  us educate them, it is the only way out of ignorance. As we can see shooting get attention, but do not educate. They only point at an issue, or a person. And then we have to figure out why? Why do we not just speak and not take it to the  physical level? It is about what is inside the mind that we all want to change anyway.

 

 

Adoption reality, Time to clean up this mess

You know being adopted is such a chore. We need to self edit to not step on anyones toes. What about our toes? They are stepped on all day long?

 

Our rights removed. Our family history removed, hidden. We must work to find each and every family member that we hold dear? Our families think we are crazy. We don’t talk like them. Hell, we are all different. This world made it that way. What do you think is going to happen?

Babies learn a language inside you. And then have to go learn another one. What are we doing? IT is any wonder why my brain runs circles around yours? You only have one mom?

To block a child is to block yourself. A child is a gift. So all you Mama’s out there!? You got unopened packages. And now you got to clean up the weeds between us all, so we can restore what this ignorant world cooked up as a cure for a moral dilemma, that  God did not make? Why in the hell does the church hold onto a filthy rag like that? Why?

Read this-

Babies only hours old are able to differentiate between sounds from their native language and a foreign language, scientists have discovered. The study indicates that babies begin absorbing language while still in the womb, earlier than previously thought.

Sensory and brain mechanisms for hearing are developed at 30 weeks of gestational age, and the new study shows that unborn babies are listening to their mothers talk during the last 10 weeks of pregnancy and at birth can demonstrate what they’ve heard.

http://www.washington.edu/news/2013/01/02/while-in-womb-babies-begin-learning-language-from-their-mothers/

You see that part about language? Yeah, we have taken a hit at our language center, and it split. We run two programs simultaneously. We maintain two relationships. It does not stop. We wrestle with two mothers. One we see, one who is within the very fiber of our being. God knit her in for a reason. And we must reunite, it is by design. Our bodies have lived to return. So that they can learn, and see the gift that God gave to them, and that the world told them to give away. We must stop this by educating folks. We must.

We are born, and when we are born, we have a dialect. And then have to go home to learn a new one. Do you see how upsetting this is the psyche of the child? It is like overwhelming. And our brains are overloaded. but we cope, with little to no help. No medial history to refer to? No Mothers face to mirror with to understand ourselves? it is torture that needs to stop. And education is the only way.

It is like trying to load android apps into an iPhone. But we are expected to do this. When the truth is right in front of us? No one can do that? The programing won’t let it couplet the down load or even begin? With a world gone mad. We must educate these folks about what they do that they do not know they do? Like Jesus, we must break the silence and pull the veil back.

Read this-

http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/babys-cells-can-manipulate-moms-body-decades-180956493/?no-ist

A world that is nothing more than a living psychosis, when we can not even see what we do for lack of knowledge.

Psychosis refers to an abnormal condition of the mind described as involving a “loss of contact with reality”. People with psychosis are described as psychotic. People experiencing psychosis may exhibit some personality changes and thought disorder. Depending on its severity, this may be accompanied by unusual or bizarre behavior, as well as difficulty with social interaction and impairment in carrying out daily life activities.

This definition is nothing more than a label. But this world is living psychosis, why? We have not woken them up from the dream they live in, thinking this is a solution.

We are not the crazy ones. This world is, for making children pay such a high price, for a moral dilemma Jesus himself had to deal with. Hello! Like he was what this world would call us unwanted, illegitimate child. He did not come when the marriage license ink had dried. He was out of order. Or was he? Hello!  Anyone see that one? It is the same old story, with another kids name. And Jesus came to change that. To change how people treated each other. Look at his sermons. Look at how he treated the Samaritan woman? He let her off scott free? No punishment as we do today? No lashing? No rocks? NO bars? He told her Not to sin, which is to miss the mark, because she was not living honestly. She was saying one thing and doing another.

Look at how he treated woman? A woman was the first at the door, the one who bathed his feet? Jesus is the actualized man. Buddha was actualized. WE all can be actualized. What it means is we take our place in this world as sons and daughters of this world. Not just our parents and the little pools of consciousness we come from?

The words and views express here are from an Adoptee. No editing, except spelling. And then again I may miss some of that. I am not writing in any other style then how I think, to illustrate how an adoptees brain things and show you. If you think I am crazy? Well, this made me that way. Cuz I am just like you, but had to live some fairy tale. Reality is subjective anyway, to the person experiencing it. I will not conform any longer to an ideal that is insane. I want my Mother back. But she’s full of the bull shit the world told her I was. Like boats on the sea, she is like a indian on our land that could not see Columbus’s boats approach, having never seen boats before. They could not see them until the shaman came and pointed them out.

I am a shaman for my people. Pointing out the boats that float right in from of your face about this issue. And they are not imaginary. WE are real. And our feeling are real. And you, don’t know shit about what we feel. This is my story. Excuse me for being so blunt, they took me from the Mommy I loved and love, at two days old. I do not appreciate that. And She still does not see the blessing I am, cuz of all this shit.

 

I have two cysts on my liver. And am working on getting out what I learned before it is to late. None of us know when we have to go. I want to make a difference for my kids. I still don’t know all my history, I can’t even talk to my Mom she’s so jacked up.

 

Thank you for reading and sharing my story. Education brings knowledge.

Knowledge is power.