Letter to Mama

my inner child is a part of my psyche. And we all have one. And from birth to today I have had a pain that just would not go away. And I tried and tried to fix it. I really didn’t notice it until I got married and had a child. It was like a monster came a live each month. My emotions would be so disrupted. I started at a young age mapping my behavior. I would journal on a calendar about my mood, what I ate, and anything else that seemed important to well being. I struggled to be emotionally available to my baby at times. I was there. True. But I saw how other mother did with their children, and I was not the same. I was raised by a stranger for God sake. I had not know anything about my family. I had not received any facial recognition as most children do. And I r as a species under value the very thing that is a grounding force for children. I grew up after learning one dialect, and I got thrown into another dialect. In grammar school I took so each lessons. I never knew why? For I had always sounded like this? My mommy that showed up never said I sounded weird? Or did she? Yeah. I guess she did ask me what was wrong with me a lot? I wish I had the answer she seeks. So frustratening. I wish my Mama would show up. I really don’t like this game. And I just want to go home. These are the things this adopted child would think on a regular basis. My mama that showed up does care that I am broken. She loves me anyway. I am grateful for her in my life. I do not know why my life is like this. But everything in my life is over shadowed with a grief, a grief that I can’t share this with my own Mommy. But she doesn’t want me. And I wonder why? My adopted kimmy seems so pleased with me? She does care that I can not love her like I am from her. But we choose to show up and love each other each day. It’s hard some days I fight my body that just wants to go home. I am tired of being separated from her. And I don’t know why. Isn’t this how it is supposed to be? Everyone else wants their mothers. Why can’t I have mine? 

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