This blog is about an Adoptee’s process unedited by my Ego that Always wants to protect me. Thank you for any input you have. xo
I have been working for 22 years to reunite with my Mother and we still struggle. I am taking to the web for help. Therapy could not get me this. And therapy would never give me this. A councilor can never give me satisfaction, because my Mom is the only one who can help me. Everyone says that about their Mom, but only an Adoptee is denies this vital need. Mom is treated like a four letter word for us. Don’t say that about the woman who’s body cr acted you? Oh no. Don’t. Where the hell is Mom?
Ok, here is a letter below. If you are a birth Mother, and you can, could you help me with this letter to my Mother. I need help expressing myself in ways that will
Help Her to See? WE are both wounded, and I work to find a way to bridge the gap. Let me know also if this helps you see your child point of view? Thank you
Adoptees tend to trigger their Mothers, I feel, like Duh. We are bound together. I think I know why, but we must be willing to explore this world called adoption and be willing to accept what is, and let go of the fantasy that many of us hold to to cope.
This is really raw. And Mothers are raw too. That is what I am trying to express, we all are hurt. And society is where we heal it. For this is a societal issue. And we must look at this issue to evolve to a better place.
Children and their Mothers need to be safe to be just that, child and mother. As a species we must learn this lesson.
March 31, 2016
Dear Mama- It is unfortunate we are this way. Yes, and I am really working hard to help you understand my side, and I am equally interested in learning about your side. I would like you to know that you are doing as good as you can, this part is not easy. From what I can see, it never gets easy. So if you’re uncomfortable, well that’s a good thing. I want you to know that I am not giving up on you Mama. And I will work to help you to understand what it means to be the mother of an adopted child, and to teach you of adoption, for which you are a very deep part of. Because Adoption is a legal and binding process, you cannot escape it. Well, let’s put it this way, Adoption ties you to your child forever, if DNA is not enough. My adoption is a historical event recorded at the Court House. Except that maybe you were told some information that is not correct maybe. I know, it is unfortunate, but if we are to proceed and heal, we must keep going, for the end is the best part. Please keep that in mind at all times. It would appear you have been told a bit of misinformation about how adoption feels from the child’s point of view. And after 22 years of trying to figure out what the issue is between us, and praying about it, God is showing me the way out. And well, we are all struggling. I get that Being publicly identified is the last thing a woman who has relinquished a child wants to be. And I had no idea that you had been treated so badly. The shame that has been forcing good woman to do such a thing in an effort to clear the family of a shame God does not decalare about us, but that a church erected in his flame does. That this continues is just ludicrious. You are an amazing woman. But how our relationships is could be better. And I kind of know you knew, deep down that I felt this way, and you told me that fact by the way you responded. You also appear to act as though I am some kind of stain on your reputation or something, I am sure it is not intentional. Thes things happen after trauma. They call it association. And what you do is associate the child with the pain or shame you originally felt. But that is Just how you appear, coming from the vantage point of the kid you gave away, that’s all. No judgment just facts, from my VEIW point. I am working to try to alleviate that, but, well, your kind of being uncooperative with me? And I am working on trying to figure out why? What our family needs is a big update as far as I can ascertain. You all have been told a bunch of things that do not line up with my experience, and I would love to tell you that being adopted was a day at the parade, but it was not. I really tried just accepting it like this, but well, you are my family, and you’re right there, so close and yet not? And I am yours still, my DNA still screaming to be returned to my manufacturer. And with you all so misinformed, it makes it difficult to stomach all of the ignorance. Please understand that I love you all. I just hate what you all are thinking about me. How you are treating me shows me you don’t get me at all. And so I am working to clear things up, by communication inch with you. Keeping communication lines open is one of the first things in a health exchange of information. You appear to have not even read a book on Adoption trauma yet, which means your way out of date. It is unfortunate that I have to be the one who brings you this update, for it is very hard to deal with your family being this out of touch with the Adoptees reality. Especially since we all are touched by it. Even if it’s kept inside a closet for years. Adoption can not be hidden and God would not allow that anyway. All things come to the light. And by the looks of your life now, you seem like a really nice person who tries to help this world out. But I cannot figure out why you don’t seem to want me back? A piece of you? Still? They say a lot of Birth Mothers deal with these feeling. But from what the Birth Mothers say on blogs about reunions is that the issue is more like from the thoughts about us the children, and that is causing us the problem. And it is what we all are thinking about it that keeps them from being able to reconnect. We must be honest. We must share it all. No more secrets. God tells us all to let our light shine. Well my light shines in an Adoption that is not the way to fix it. I try not to take it personally, but you’re my Mom, so it kind of hard not to get upset, when your Mom is acting like this. It is like your brainwashed to not act like my Mom anymore? So strange? Why would God bring me back for that? I made sure before I even started my search to pray and asked him over and over if this was the way. Becasue i really, really did not want to be rejected again. And I really prayed about it. And God opened doors, like, it was amazing, and I was so encouraged. I mean how I found you was Gods will. He led me back, step by step. But reunion is not easy. We have so many years between us. But this is not the way it is supposed to be, so it is different. We will forever be different, but we have this one thing, our bond to help us. God gives us a bond, and children have it, and why shouldn’t I have it? I am a child made from you? You know when you come back to your family after they:(meaning I don’t know who did this to me, for I was a child when this happened), made me have to go to a stranger to be raised, and they act like your nothing, when your family is all you have been thinking about, its hard to take. It kind of knocked me down for about 22 years. I have just not known what to do. And I went to those damn professionals that bleed you out on money and give you nothing, nothing to help? I grew up having deep feelings about my family. And no amount of blocking can stop a child’s love for her Mother. And when a child’s Mother is acting like you are, it is upsetting, adopted or not! If we did not have Adoption in our picture, you would not be acting like this, you would simply be my Mama. And stop being so hard on yourself. Your wounds are tender Mama. I am trying to help you, can I help it you’re so out of date, and that the world wrapped so much shame around this shit? Remember that I love you, I hate how your acting, there is a difference. Look, this is not supposed to go well. Adoption is really messed up. They told you a bunch of bullshit. Who ever told you this was good and that I would not notice you gone is crazy! And inside you, down deep, beyond your mind and your Ego, I know you know what I say is true too. I came back to get you, because God told me too. And God provided the way, for I did find you. God wanted me to find you. Now ask yourself why? Why did God put me inside of you? Why did you become pregnant with me? Because, as far as I can see it, God is very capable of putting babies with the Mothers he wants to put them with. Look at Sarah in the bible? God knows what he is doing, Mama. Why was I put in you first, then given to my Adopted Mom? And I know you thought I would just take to my New Mother, but you seem to not realize your importance to me? And you do not realize that you are a huge key to my wellbeing? And I am kind of key in yours, see, my cells still live inside of your brain. Look it up. And the longer we go on this way the more damage it will cause to the whole family. This affects us all in a deep way. We are a family nucleus, our wall has been permeated and a piece of it removed, it must be returned to bring order. This has affected my Adopted Mom as well. But she showed up, and you both made this happen. We all have paid a price, but let us not make it in vein? There are lessons to learn here in this life. We all must learn our lessons. I had to learn mine. Mine is: babies should be safe to stay with their Mothers. And to work to make this world a safe place for children. Mothers should always be supported to show up for their sacred job that no one could replace. Each child and Mother are equip to work together by design. What is this world if God cannot send a baby to any old woman and they not realize that their Mom is gone, for we recognize your smell at birth, your voice, and when those are missing, we know, right now! WE know! No one can take the job God gives to a Mother. There really is no backing up from this now Mama, we must do the work that is in front of you, ME. It only gets worse when we resist. You know the saying, “That which we resist, persists.” I mean 53 years after the fact. Why is God allowing this? Why are we like this? Your mind is strong, but is it in alignment with what the divine is doing now? Is God maybe asking you to change course for a reason you cannot see? As far as I can see, it would appear you are running from some kind of nightmare you think I am, but I am trying to tell you it is not me. And I wonder why? Running will not help us this time, Mama. And what is it that chases you? You are taking this whole thing very hard, I know, you did not plan it this way. How could you be so off? Right? But back in the 60’s they hadn’t done any research about this the ramifications of Adoption on the child? They did not know how this affected the child? Not really? We are bonded. We are still bonded, after all these years. And I have most recently come completely clean about my past feelings, and I have given you my disclosure on my experience, unedited on my blog. And I did that so we could start over. Our beginning sucked. And to know your Mom is to have no secrets, right? And God calls us to speak our truth. And my truth had laid under the surface for years, waiting for the chance to speak. I really wanted to tell you, I thought you would care about how I felt? I thought you would be upset it went this way? I thought you would see it was not right and want to fix it? Growing up all I could think of was you I need my Mommy. And all I thought of was I can wait to see my Mommy. And I just want it to go away, and I just want my Mommy. Every time something happened, I would miss you, it does make it hard. Life is just not fun with out your Mom. And now I have two. It is complicated being I. Growing up feeling like a slave, I felt I could not speak my true feelings for fear of my new family doing the same thing my Mommy did to me, which was give me away. It is a terrible place to be. Living in a world of fairytales and where no one really wanted to hear about my heart: which only wanted you, like a beacon. I am so tired of people telling me I was ok? Like my Mom gave me away! Screw you! That is messed up! Who told her that? I want to stop this from happening to any other child. And people thinks this is like buying a new suit, it is not! I am a human being with feelings and attachements that I formed inside the woman who’s body God made me with. Not ok. For who can love a child better than her own Mama, and my Adopted Mom is nothing like you, nothing. I knew the difference. I did not like this any more than you, at all. I have come to love and care for my Mother you gave me, but this only causes me pain to have you and I like this. I went through this life living as an Adopted child; can I not get my reward? My reward for having to live like this is to have my whole Mom back. We cannot go back, but we can heal if we work and have an amazing relationship. It will just look different, it will be different than the girls, but we can have a wonderful relationship with honesty as our captain. Listen, if this was you at the other end? Oh hell no! I am doing really good being as patient as I am. But this is how I see it, my very own Mommy acting like a weirdo and my sisters are not even caring about me. And this is the very family and Mama that I longed for growing up. What is life, without your Mom? And my patience is running thin. You are in your 70’s and I am in my 50’s and we have not even gotten past this? And we must do some work to reunite the whole family? Do you want to leave with us like this? Like we can do better than this Mama? And I am not trying to kill you or do you harm, you are already harmed. I mean if you were not harmed you would not have gotten all upset at what I have said and you would not be taking it so personally. You’re response is telling on you. It is hard to see, that your Mother did not like the part of herself that made you. I guess the world made you feel that way, for conceiving me outside of the matrimonial boundaries. The church has done a lot of damage in regards to this, so ignorantly, of course. The church does not realize the Mother child bond and that it should not be messed with. God knows who he gives children too. Children are a gift from the Lord, Psalm 127:3 Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. I am a gift. But if you do not understand the gift God gave you? What has been gained? Like, God gave you a baby, and you gave it away, God brought it back? Why? Have you figured out why? Why would I be so persistent? Could God be asking you to change your story? Now? Just because the story changes, does not mean it was wrong, life is about lessons. You did the right thing then? But what do we do now? right now? Ask yourself this: “Am I being given something new?” “Is a new opportunity being presented to me?” “And what must I do, or what am I being asked to do to obtain it?” Am I being asked to review my choices and add the new information in? Is God wanting to bring me full circle, and into completion? And am I at a point of completion and maybe a new door is opening, but I must prepare myself, I must learn so I can be ready? Can you see that maybe all this darkness is what is coming before the dawn? Could you have a secret prayer? That maybe God is trying to answer? But, you are having a hard time receiving? Because you think you got it all wrong maybe? Maybe God is trying to bless you? Can you try to see that? Out with the old, in with the new, but first we must do a blessed review. I have made it this far, so I am strong. And nothing is lost, ever. And I have endured 22 years of feeling rejection, which I feel is connected to your story about me. I know I am not rejected. But I feel your feelings surrounding me; I am very sensitive in that way. So something about my birth, or me conception was rejected, and you need to review that. The landscape is changing. I admit that I have missed you since the day you left. And I am not ashamed of that feeling. I have proclaimed my love for you on the Internet and it felt good. I will not take it back. I feel my Dad loved you too. Our connection is strong, and I just want to get past this ucky stuff you keep blocking me from tending too. I know you’re wounded Mama, stop trying to be so strong and stay invisible. All the stuff that I said was just garbage from my life, I had to barf it up. I could explain this to you if you would change direction? If you would choose to turn a face me, face God. And then it could heal? This has been so hard for us all. It is time to change it. That is what this is all about, change. Change looks like chaos, before the breakthrough. What I just shared on media was what my inner child felt growing up, unedited. And you must remember, my rights as your child were violated when you signed me over. You were only 25 at the time, but they took my real identity with your consent, that is despicable, just to cover a stain that God did not see. I was placed with you, and was for you. So, God still has not delivered his message if you have not figured out the blessing of me? Aren’t you interested in what God wanted to bless you with by giving you me? I was encouraged to see Tom stepping up to help you all. Liz must come clean. Mama, look at this mess with us? Do you want Liz to have to deal with this too, when her child comes back? You are an example to her? And what are you leading her to do? Listen, I hate having to bust your chops like this, but Adoption sucks from my standpoint. And my life was altered and I do not take kindly to that. And they brainwashed my Mother to do it to me! My DNA says you’re my MOM. You act like I should not care for my sister? Did they tell you that too? I know how it feels, and I do not want my sister to do to her son what you are doing to me when he returns? We return Mother, so she is only putting it off in the name of space and respect and stupidity. And it will bite her in the ass like this has bitten you. But it does not have to be like this, if we show up and do the work. Adoption is the problem. It goes against nature. You got told a bunch of bull about it. What God is showing me to tell you that, you are right where you are supposed to be? This is why you came here; this is part of your life. And God has a good plan for you Mama. And I am part of it. So trust, this is the right way. I am your child I would not hurt you. You are hurt already and I am the cure. I love you Mama. I am praying for us all. Love, Belinda/Stephanie P.S. Just because I am not like you thought I would be, doesn’t mean that is a bad thing. Roll with it. Remember, God is all, and all is God. This is part of this process.