It is rough hearing that your child that you thought you so lovingly gave up for adoption, didn’t see it that way. And it’s hard to be the child having to do that. And we struggle to be seen and heard. But I have a dream, and I have it in my sights. I wanted you to know, how it went. And we haven’t even gotten to the best part, cuz we are stuck here. Our stories needed to be told to each other. So, that we both can move on. I am tired of being shoed away, stamped not good enough, not nice enough, not a convenient time, and wrong all together. Accept me, all of me, even the ugly parts? I know we don’t understand each other, but another raised me, and so I turned out ok. I turned out amazing.
You just can’t see me, because your thoughts are in the way of who I really am. It didn’t turn out the way you thought it would or should. But I did turned out. I thought the least you could do is listen and witness it, it’s not over now, but it’s not fair to turn away at the ugly parts. You miss the impact of the ending without it’s challenges.
Just getting real. It’s a bit of work, when you hide who you were for years cuz you thought if your own Mom didn’t want you, it wasn’t safe to trust anyone here. Being adopted means that you make a lot of choices without your Mom along side. Being adopted means that you have two Moms. And for years, I have lived with the truth, and not been able to proclaim it with the love inside my heart. Why? For fear of being rejected again, my mind not quit up to speed for lack of processing a BIG DEAL called relinquishment.
I have been to many councilors who profess to help me, I paid them to help me. I did not really get the help I needed. Non of them could see that I was reeling from my adoption-relinquishment trauma. Why? Because most folks say I had no trauma. But they are not here with me. Those people who do not recognize my trauma, you know, loosing my Mom at 2 days old and not grieving her loss, my loss. And that fact right there has cause me to be stuck in a feed back loop I will call it.
The loop is this: My Mom didn’t want me so who else would? And with out truth, my truth unedited, I stayed there for 52 years. I stayed in that loop for years until I just blurted it out, all of it. My pain exploded onto the pages of my blog in random and erratic force. And it was scary to do so. It meant that I was blowing my cover. My pristine beautiful lie. For I did as I was told and I believed what everyone told me in their well meaning ways to explain what had happened and why I was now being raised by someone other than my Mom. But those explanations were not what I experienced each day. They did not explain away my love for a woman I only met once. And so I kept going, looking, searching for answers that these explanation did not satisfy.
My Mother could not know that fact at age 25 when she relinquished me. That is not what she was told. But the fact is that what they told her was what they told her, not what I experienced as truth. And it is my desire to be authentic, and me. So, I must tell my truth, however painful it is to hear for both my Mothers. I must be free from these opposing stories that do not match my experience. I do not desire to upset folks. But I must be congruent with my own narrative.
After purging myself of these old stories, and also of my own tragic story, a new story emerges from the ash. A story that is exciting to me. A new beginning for us all, for us three, my mothers and me. For as I look again I see another story beyond all of ours. A story of redemption, and regeneration, and love. I see how two woman in the 60’s came together, even though they never met.
You see in 1963 it was a hard road to keep a child not produced inside of the matrimonial boundaries. And I was not conceived under that boundary. My father had gone into the Army when my Mother found out she was pregnant with me. And she was separated from her husband of which my last name is.