What would happen if your Mother died today and you were told you couldn’t cry, you couldn’t go to the funeral and you had to make believe she never existed. What would happen to you? Take a moment and think about it.
Isn’t that what happened to most people in adoption in some way?
It occurs to me that if we really had respect for the mother and the child we would do all we could to preserve the sanctity of that relationship and not separate them at all. If the mother and child could not possibly stay together, then giving her respect when she lost her child, the mother’s family and friends would have gathered around and said to her, “I am sorry you couldn’t keep your baby. You must be sad, let me comfort you. I know you hurt let me ease you pain. I know you must be angry, let me help you.” Then there would be grieving and acknowledgment of what REALLY happened.
If the mother and child could not possibly stay together, then giving the adoptee respect when she lost her mother, the new family would say, “You must be said you lost your natural family, it’s okay to cry about it. I’m said too, you must hurt. Let me comfort you, you must be angry, let me help you, be with you and hold you.”
If an adoptive parents got respect, they would have gotten complete information on their adopted child and the truth about the effects on their child of losing the natural family. The adoption agency and other would have been acknowledged and they would have been encouraged to grieve the child they couldn’t have on their own.
Ignoring the realities of adoption increase the pain and hurt. How can anyone function well if they’re told that what is true isn’t and what isn’t true is?
For example, what f I lose my leg in an accident right after birth? And they tell me I didn’t lose my leg right after I was born, I was mistaken. But it hurts, mommy, and yet it still feels like something is missing. And I keep stumbling around as if had only one leg (they wouldn’t lie about that would they?) and I don’t know why I’m having trouble managing as a two-legged person…
Our society doesn’t want to acknowledge what has happened to all of us, to give us RESPECT. Truth is told, I lost more than a leg, I lost my mother. Wait, I’ve got a prosthesis, a new mother, substitute. Why doesn’t it work just as well? Why does it still hurt? Of course our natural mother lost a baby….but they got no replacement, no substitute.
Respect the truth, no secrets, absolute honesty. We can all deal with the truth..
Page 154-156 Adoption Healing- Joe Soll, LCSW
The only way that I know of to be truly happy is to give ourselves the respect of feeling all of our feelings. If we don’t feel the bad ones, we cannot feel the good ones.
Those around us often try to minimize our losses, our experience. We must not buy into that. We can respect ourselves by acknowledging the true extent of the effects on us of the events at the beginning. If we don’t acknowledge the full extent of our wounds, we cannot heal. Only by acknowledging the truth can we begin to heal from our wounds. IF I am i an accident and go to the ER and they don’t examine my wounds, don’t clean the depths of my wounds and get the dirt or poison out, I will get an infection, the wound may heal superficially, but the infection is there nevertheless and I will pay a price. Only when I respect myself and take the risk of opening that wound again and clean it out will I be able to truly heal.
Healing involves a lot of pain, but the alternative… I guess we have all lived it. WE need to give ourselves the respect to climb the mountain of pain that leads to healing. The mountain is steep, but climbable. There are many crevices on the way up, but each crevice still puts you closer to the top. We are all here in this adoptive family to help each other, nurture each other, support each other, share with each other and learn from each other on this road to respect and healing
Clarrisa Pinkola Estes, who wrote Woman Who Run with the Wolves, has said that those who have been “abandoned” and face it and work it through can become the strongest people on the face of the earth.
I do not claim to know it all. But I am an expert about my pain. And I am facing it.
‘Not to have knowledge of what happened before you were born is to be condemned to live forever as a child’- Cicero (c.106-43 BC)
Page 158- Adoption Healing
My birth family does not get this. They are trapped by my Birth Mothers ignorance of this very thing. She bread it into them, and now they stand looking at me as though I am a freak.
I dealt a hurt, yep I did. I am hurt so bad. Maybe now they can fathom the depths of my pain? God help us.
“Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world were the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful” The Reverend Keith Griffith, MBE
” One of the saddest things of all is that so many adoptees and moms are afraid to take the risk of healing which is necessary to pursue one’s dreams”
“The prisoner disintegrated because he could never find out what he was guilty of” The Trial of Kafka
“People cannot endure inexplicable worthlessness” John D. MacDonald
Note to my children- Mommy did this for you. You deserve better than this shit. You deserve a Mommy who is whole. With or without my Mothers approval.
I love you
I never said I was perfect, hell my Mom gave me away. How could I be without her? But I will try to build again. Now that my fake world crumbles at my feet.