How often does an Adoptee think of their Birth Mother? Every minute, each time they look in the mirror. It is tormenting to look in the mirror and not know who you look like. To not have that genetic recognition is excruciatingly painful for us. It’s like being a floating tree without roots.
I think of the adoptee who recently shared with me that a little boy was asked by his adoptive parents, “How often do you think about adoption?” He said, “hardly ever at all.” The adoptive parents were thrilled with his answer, convinced their son didn’t really care about his original family and was perfectly happy to be adopted. Someone gently suggested they rephrase the question. Instead they asked him, “How often do you think of your birth mother?” He got somber and said, “Every day. All the time…” to the shock of his adoptive parents.
I have also met with the attitude that adult adoptees should “move on” or “get over it” or “stop dwelling in the past.” I loved the recent post by Deanna Shrodes (another of member of the Lost Daughter sisterhood) about why that is so difficult for us to do. Our “past” is our is our history, our identity, our connection to family. (I will also add to this that for those of us adopted in infancy, our trauma happened at such an early age that we have no pre-traumatized self to return to as a norm. Another complicating factor is that adoption-related pain is not commonly acknowledged as valid as a result of the mostly positive view of adoption that is held by the general public. Pain that is regularly invalidated is harder to release.)
This is from Lost Daughters blog below you can find other posts.
Wow, that’s it. I am being invalidated and so here I sit.
Lord, please send me help to release all this shit. Amen
I am sharing this in hopes that someone else who is going through a hard time can know they are not alone. These thoughts here are hurtful, and we adoptees are left with these kind of thoughts. I know everyone thinks they are helping to keep us in the dark, but what you help is to perpetuate a lie. Are we, as people, not strong enough to put down the stories we tell ourselves to see the truth. and be strong enough to come together and heal. I don’t want to hear the story you tell yourself to cope, I want the truth.
Love Lives here but all you can see is pain…..
Go ahead and shew me away like a fly. I have been trying so hard to get through to you. But you’ve got all this shit in the way. You look horrified at me. I look at me and can’t see what you see. I know my heart. Am I wrong? No I am not. But to you I was, and still am.
Ugh. I, your flesh and blood am give up. Have it your way. I can only be me. I have tried to tell all of you this. I am is distressing to you? No, what you think I am distresses you.
I was born, given to another to raise, and thought, just thought that you might miss me? What a stupid naive girl. But Ignorance is not a disease. So I have risen above such nonsense. So, I will move on. I didn’t want to. Cuz your gonna be upset later and I didn’t want you to be. I wanted to get this cleared up now so we could go on after we cleared the air. But you do not have time for such nonsense, Or that is how it appears to me.
They told me not to search for you. They all thought I was stupid. But I felt compelled. I prayed and asked God to take my desire away, but it didn’t go away. It got stronger. I felt it was his will and do believe it was.
It’s a free will world here. So, your will gets to decide, as well on how far we go. It’s kind of like price is right. Pick a door. You picked the door. Adoption. And now you want to back out. You got what you want. Fuck me and my needs. That’s how it feels. Fuck you Belinda, I gave you my uterus, now you’ve seen me, now go. You owe me nothing.
We are linked together in this adoption triad. But you tell yourself no we aren’t. And you are still treating me like that mistake. I am not. I am what grew from that mistake. I appear to be only still the inconvenience. You even speak to me as though I am some stray dog wandering in your yard. Oh God!! What does it want!! Make it go away!! You scream. Or better yet. Look what you’ve done!! As I recall, you started this. Why am I being punished?
I am awesome, and strong, to put up with a family like this one. You have love to go drive down and pick up your husbands child and take him in. But not me? Hmmm? You can’t deal with me. Run then.
I will not spend another bit of my precious time left on this earth, trying to make any of you see me, for who I really am. I have things I must do too. This was really important. My healing. I want to see you properly, but you won’t show me. You hide. Behind your gates. Thinking I am the enemy. The enemy is what you are thinking of me. How you see your own flesh and blood. I can’t imagine you like yourself to much to treat me like this.
You have forgotten that I know to well your pain around me. I spent 9 months within you. I sat in the dark and listened. I payed attention.
Go ahead and scolded me like a dog. But today remember that I am a 52 year old woman who missed her Birth Mother. I have been grieving so long I didn’t even know it was grief. Cuz no one knows about our grief, we hide it. No one talks about it, the Elephant in the room. The (fact) I had another Mother. That’s all. It’s messy yes. Can you imagine how I feel? When it comes over me like a storm. I feel it as I did the day I went home and your were not there. I knew you were gone. You believed what they told you. I get that. But the truth is staring you in the face and you are still trying to color it over.
I’ve been trying to figure it out pretty much my whole life. It’s not easy being an adopted child. It’s not the natural way, so please excuse me if I am not following your rules!! You never gave me a god damn book to follow!
I now must just believe that God does not want me to go there with you. I will have to write my own conclusions. I wanted yours. But I think it’s just to hard for you. I am not going to feel bad anymore for how I am. I am doing the best I can. I can only be me. I don’t know anyone who has done what I have done and tried to do. Look within your own soul and see that you do have hurt and guilt. I know it’s there. You can’t hide it from me. But you forget. It’s your hurt. Not mine. I wanted to take it. But you want to keep it.
So, I want to thank you for giving me life and so I have. You are free. I love the you I knew and that will have to be enough. I place it in Gods hands. And will not tread here again. I want to be where I am welcomed. And I am not welcomed here. Not all of me. I will either be accepted for all of me or none at all.
Thank you for your time. Thank you for not aborting me. Thank you for letting me grow inside your tummy and live. I guess I just didn’t know what I was thinking. I thought Our God was an awesome God, who reins from heaven above. And that we as his people could handle everything. My bad.
Please do not call or write me another nasty thing. You’re free.
Below is the lovely message she left me after I shared with my Sister/her daughter who, had called me, to ask me a question about my daughter. Nice.
Peace be with you dear Woman who carried me. I wish you no harm, truly. I am just a soul here trying to find her way on this earth. I thought you could help. I must have closure and this is my best try.
Thank you for the lovely voice message. I will play it to myself when I feel weak and think that maybe you will change your mind.
My condolences, I just couldn’t keep it in any longer. I must let out all the horrible thoughts, maybe that will help me move on. I will not hide any longer.
The tree told me how to live through a storm. Or life.
He said, “You plant your roots deep. All weather is needed. Grab onto the earth and let it nourish you. Dig in and get connected. Raise your arms up. Answer the call. Be the tree that you are. Know that first. Raise your hands up. You middle finger naturally flips everyone off as you stand in your authentic self. When the storms come, your roots are deep and connected to your source, so you can bend. Because you know who you are and that it is just a phase and will pass.”
Thank you Raywood ash tree.
Perceived Action Interpreted Negatively
Belinda Gayheart-Arnold author
FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL
Belinda Gayheart author
I FEEL THIS IS TRUE. BECAUSE IF ONE IS OPEN TO SEEING AN ACTION FROM ANOTHER VEIW, pain subsides.
I stood at the door and knocked. Much like Jesus did. I stood outside for as long as I could, with my heart in my hand.
But even as Jesus was not understood by those who’s minds were not put in check. Those who’s hearts were cold to the truth.
I know to whom he came here for. It was Me
You threw me away
That’s just how it felt
Did you think I was stupid
Growing there in the dark?
I heard every word
And every cry
I knew you didn’t want me
And I don’t know why
It’s all clear to me now
I was just your mistake
But I now know better
And I won’t be a fake.
You got what you wanted
And I guess that all you need
Is to shut up the vessel
That grew from that deed
I am a creation of God
And I stand for the truth
I wish to bring release
From the story long told
For the truth is not there
Tucked deep in your mind
It lies in your body and soul
And each 8 th it reminds
This is not a pissing match
Between you and me
It is only a mirror you see
You look in the glass
And there you are
Only its me
But not really
For who you see is glossed over
With your own feeble veiw
Laced with your guilt and fume
I’ve been trying to tell you
That you are looking at it down there
But you cling to your truth
And beat a big gong
You gong me away
For you love your own story
And do not desire the whole truth
I thought you were stronger
My desire so strong
I don’t want to go on with us like this
But you leave me no choice.
I tried to explain the story of mine
It sucks yes I know
I thought you could tell me your truth
But you just really can’t see
My siblings don’t care for me now
They hover over like vultures
Only grateful it’s not them
And all they do is cling to this lie
There is no room
For I was a mistake
I was a nuisance
Evidently I still am.
THIS IS A SOLUTION! EVERYONE CHANGES AND THIS IS A BRIDGE TO WHERE WE ALL WANT TO GO; WHICH IS TO LOWER THE RATE OF INMATES WHO COME BACK, AND OF LEARNING GREAT SKILLS TO COPE. PLEASE SHARE THIS WITH YOUR FRIENDS!