The more I hear it!! The more fuel God gives me. 

I am Linda Marie Browns daughter!! 

I want my Mother back!! 

What Adoptees Mama’s need to know is that we may be made from our Dads, but we are not our fathers. And that just becasue we came from another woman, does not lesson anything. In fact it expands it. We now love more than one woman and will always. My Mama has a bad opinion of me becasue she has a bad opinion of my Dad and what happened becasue of loving him. So sad. To see your Mama act that way. 

I am my Mamas’ defender. Both of them. But truth is truth. And how can I even write here without my truth from it all. They had reviews too. This adoption experiment was ours. Each has its own variables. But what I see is that we the children always love our first Mamas. 

What child would risk the life she has for hate sake? Do I war with my first Mama? Hell no, I don’t. I war with those thoughts that are controlling her mind. The ones that keep her acting like this. What Mama acts like that? Adoptee Mama’s, that’s who. They get told some stories I’ll tell ya! My Mama got told a bunch of shit that’s got her pour mind spinning from the truth that hit her thoughts with the full force the Bible preaches about. She’s been lit up with the light of my truth. Now, all she does is hold onto the lie. That’s what I am working on. The lies. 

That’s what I am trying to clear up by speaking out. When she finally gets what I am saying? She’s gonna be thanking me for caring enough to not leave her ignorant. It’s a tough pill to swallow. Yes. Mama Jeans had to swallow that pill since day one. I was a handful. And no instructions or medical history made it hard to figure out what was up with me completely. 

Mama Linda needs to know the price Mama jean paid to stand in for her. But I always knew my Mama walked away and Mama Jean stood in for her. You really can’t take a person place in another, but you can make another place within your heart for the one who shows up.  Yes. She has her place within this woman I am. And she will forever be their. Her love forged a strong place within me. 

It is that love she gave me, that compels me to write here. Her love for Linda in me. Her faithfulness to us both. Her willingness to make sure my Mamas perceived mistake would know she was wanted and needed and care for. Which shows she cared for my Mama as well. So pure. A love. Worth recognizing. But how can we see the under lying story, until we let go of the old lines and read the full story with all parts present at last. 

But if I am to follow the leadership of the woman my Mama gave me too? I must be honest. Being adopted is like living in a maze. You know your parents are not the parents you came from and you know a journey back is inevitable and needed for your family story to truly make sense to those who will follow your footsteps. 

I need the full story for my Children’s children to tell. Of the woman who journeyed back becasue the one who raised her, raised her to go back and show her the love she was given, by a stranger I call Mom. And that kind of love is worth knowing. And my Mama needed a woman like Mama Jean in her life.  And God delivered. Praise god. God delivered. 

Not becasue my Mamas lacking? But becasue she needed Mama Jean in 63 and she came and did the job she could not.  I mean she can go on. But to pass up a blessing like this is precisely why I say Adoptions a mess. Who can’t use another friend? Who denies such a friendship that has lasted 54 years! this friend has been around ever since my Mama said goodbye to me? Sending me to bless her life? And I do bless her life. 

Of course Mama Jean would expect Mama Linda to see theblessing in me? She made it possible for Mama Jean to be a Mama? Didn’t she? And to be so shocked to hear all that Mama Linda has said about her baby? Oh my! Oh no! No! 

Now we have an appreciations problem here. And a lack of site of the truth that is under all we call adoption. My Mama has to wake up to that. Wake up to her friend who has learned all about her though me and so wishes and has not said, to meet her. 

My intention here is to break down the walls Adoption has built Between us all. Like my poor Mamas was so lied to she fears for her life? Silliness. When something hurts!! Something hurts!! And it hurt me to have to live like this?? For them. My Mamas. Now I want my turn to have them together and they can’t seem to get it together? Seriously. 

Yeah. Did t start this post about this. But. There is it. Teamwork. Family. Sisters. Mamas. Cousins. Brothers. Nephews. Aunts. Uncles. Together. 

This situation is ludicrous. Seriously. Like my family can’t take my truth that I lived in silence? Hello. Read that again. Yeah. In silence. Until I got my courage up to tell my Mamas what hurt. I hurt so long, I had to take time to figure out what it was. Being split in two. Loving two woman is hard. If you love like I do? Hard. Passionate. Intense. And Faithfully. 

• My Mama just fights with me. I came to make soup with her? But she only wants to fight. I guess she and my Dad faught a lot? 
• All I wanted to do was clean this damn slate between us? All I wanted was to drink wine and catch up? Maybe cry if needed? 
• We seriously have a communication issue Huston. My sisters obviously have tongues hinged? Or maybe they have a disability too?
• I guess they want to leave me with my imaginings? This is what you get. If you ain’t talking? Well you leave a person with their own interpretations? My family has sick humor? For sure. 
• I can see why I was sent away? What a mess. But they are my Mess. Can’t leave them acting like this forever to me? What does this say about Jesus in our lives to continue to be like this? 
• See how frustrating it is? Back and forth. And back and forth? Good. Bad. Acceptance is the only way for us all. And we all must accept to move forward. 
• My Mamas put this off long enough. It’s time. Time for sisters to step up and accept me so our Mama can too. 
• Time for our family to put our faith where our actions are and step up and accept their sister. 
• If god has sent me back to show them how to be christians, and to put their scriptures to action, well Mama Jean taught me about Christ love with her scrafices. 
• My family could learn a few things from her and better. Yes. Better. Step the fuck up. Now!! Chelsie Lynn!! Lead!! I trained you! Now lead these people! 
• This has gone on long enough!! Now. It’s time. For my family to come together!! 
• I don’t give up. So. Now!! 

And to understand why my fire is still hot? Is to know Mama Jean. She fueled my love for my Mama, by showing me her loving me, a piece of her. Mama Jean knit is back together with her love. 

It was hard. I was so confused growing up. But she loved me anyway. Knowing one day I would see. And I do. I see how a stranger took me in, site unseen, did t even meet my Mama, she said yes. And my Mama needs a friend like that in her life. For sure. We all do. And my kids are so blessed to have these strong woman who made it through the sixties. 

I am grateful. But life

Should not have to be so hard for kids to live. And Mama’s should tell their children the truth. I’ve heard some crazy truths out in the world about adoption. People saying my Mama didn’t love me. She didn’t care. Poppicock!! I will on believe that in this madness called adoption there is redemption. That a coming together as a whole unit is a worthy act of this family we are. Knit back together. I was given to another tribe. And now that tribe is part of my original tribe. This woman must be honored by my tribe. For her sacrifices and loving faithfulness by the woman who made me. Must. Happen. 

As my Mama’s daughter. I demand it. As my birth right. My family must rise and bless her. We must make hast. No words unsaid. Nothing left loose. No regrets Mama. None. 

My Mama’s are some cool woman who did this for me. The old is gone. The new story is here. Two woman came together to help me. They never met and are best friends. 

What do you say? I think they need to meet. And embrace. As the friends they are. Who does such a thing? Raises a child from another as her own and teaches her to never forget the one she was made from? I’ll tell you who? Mama Jean. Yep. 

That woman taught me how to go home. And knew she would loose nothing and gain the friend she made so long ago and never met. What greater gift can this woman give? 

Mama Jean gave me so much love. How could I not come Home to share it with my family? Chelsie lynn got that love she shares with her Nana too. 

Our family is blessed to have Mama Jean. And we must honor her. And my Mamas must meet. It’s the next step. It’s the right step. 

Thank you for any comments. 

God bless.  

That I really felt better about myself before I met my Mama Linda and sisters. Like I am a wildflower. And I like myself. I know I’m different and I’m ok with that. What’s upsetting is my family see some person other than who I am. 

They tell me I need help. And they block me. Like no one really hears me out to understand me? Kind of sad. Family is supposed to be there forever. Sisters are supposed to be protective of you and you of them? This is what being adopted is. Like being forever part of a family and yet In some Limbo place. 

My whole personna about myself has changed since I’ve seen how my family has treated me during a really trying time. Dealing with grief is hard, especially when the person you missed is alive. It’s like an open wound that just does not heal, but becasue it happened at so young, you have not processed and put words to what hurt. 

And from what I have experienced, when your body has had enough, it’s all systems reversed and you can’t even stop it. The truth just spits out. And you can’t stop it and you really don’t want to after you start to feel relief. 

I guess my family and all have changed perspectives now. Becasue what they thought about me and what Adoption meant to me was way off. And now they know. What they do is up to them. And I’m letting you into this so you can see what is like for an adoptee trying to reconnect completely. It’s hard work, but I feel worth it. 

Change is chaos. But after the storm comes the growth from that storm. I have hope. 

Thanks for stopping by. 

God bless.