My scrapbook was just to big to made in a book. I had to write it here to show Mama. How much I was thinking about her and working to be the best I could be. Xox.
I was overwhelmed by her. And I’m pretty sure she was by me, just took a while for it to sink in. Xoxo.
There comes a dime when you have to lay down all that has been a burden to you.
Many conditions in my life have burdened me. The conditions of the way my life had to be lived burdened my heart. It’s a heavy weight to bare when you’ve been left alone with strangers.
What we don’t take into account and I am mentioning here is the instincts power to dictate the way you react, and how instinct can override conditions and conditioning to find the bliss. The body knows what the mind can not see.
It’s stressed me out that I had to wait 30 years? To meet my own Mama. Yeah. Will she like me? Damn it she should? I’m her daughter? What state of mind will I find her in? Stress. Will I be enough? Questions I must face before I face them. To be ready. She may reject again?
And instincts take over. Slowly. Prayerfully. Methodically. You hunt your prey. Like an animal. But not to eat. Only to savor moments remembered growing inside her. Oh how you love her. Will time have taught her? Will she be ready? Am I ready? No. But no ones ready to go home after so long?
The stories we tell ourselves after the tower. Do they match after reunions? It is an unwrapping? Of panic? Stress of rejections wounding onto the self. She’s in pain. I can feel it. Keep going. God’s speed is with you. You will save the Queen. God speed dear one. You will succeed.
My queen bids me to hunt her through her minds brambles. She Draws me in closer to see. The door within her that’s marked for me. Like Alice in wonderland sillies? Can’t you see? She lived on Cheshire in my own dreams? She’s instinctual too and has lived in places I knew.
She flows through my mind like every other Mama does. I just own it. Is it crazy to love your First Lady? Maybe? I’d rather be crazy then.
Because if loving you isn’t right? I’d rather go left. Cuz love like this ain’t wrong at all. It’s the world that paints it this way and that. I’m a daughter strong and proud of her Mama’s walk. It’s not been easy for her.
She just did not realize all the condition places on us both? She’s seeing it now. Yes. Through me. Angles a plenty Mamas on the mountain top now looking at it all. No longer in some cave of unknowing. This light of her new day is dawning.
Being blindsided is the worst! I should know.
And my homeward bound alarm went off immediately. No doubts. Go home. Seek home.
I think Hod brought me home to tell her all this messy story to show her how precious she is to me. Yeah. I do. The answer to what happened.
And the acceptance of it all. It’s key to move on. Our story is strong. And I breakable bond.
That stress could not break.
To look at ones own wounding or mutations after a trauma is of utmost consciences. To us all.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK459473/
autoimmune is self hatred. Many are unaware. Those who come down with autoimmune carry the affects it us all. Everyone has had traumas. The question is how to we use our lessons to help everyone heal with ease?
How does anyone calm their own self hatred? Frustrations that spill into today? I dealt with for lack of whatever? Not knowing? And learning?
Auto. Immune. Tells me it’s an automatic response to traumatic, life changing happening in anyone’s life. Death, moving, loss, happens and auto immune wraps us. To preserve us as we seek healing and our lesson that will only be learned when we face the lesson.
If we lack immunity, which are nothing more than shadows of doubt. From yesterday. What hangs out in darkness? That will not be shown in the light? It’s how we feel about what’s shown? Not what’s being shown? Perception is key when looking at art made in the dark.
Art preserved at 25 for me to look at and experiences with all my sense and perceptions, the day she walked back into my life. Has been a drunken bender of my Mama elixirs. Like a cowboy on the desert. Her oasis of love did tenderly revive me from a slumber. Don’t even think she doesn’t understand about prayers?
I’d gone delirious from the wandering around a around, sniffing and trying to find her? How could she damn me? For giving a shit about her? Seriously? I would think she would be so amazed?
