Ok, so what?

Ok, so, now I have let the cat out of the bag and told all the dirty dirty.

And I’ve expressed all that I compressed. Ive show the tears and walked you through the pain. I have told the nasty side of such a supposed loved fill idea. And guess what?

I’m still here. Still writing, still living. And all that I told was an old story that my inner child wanted me to tell, to the world and my Mama’s. Why? So we can learn, and grow from this.

With pinpoint accuracy I hit the mark. From a place outside of my Mama’s realm, I go the message loud and clear. And she just needed the update as the what I went through and what I overcame. My mama is a rock, and of course, so am I. Unmovable in my experiences, and my life journey. I have withstood it all with God saving grace. And if you think different? Well, that you. Not me.

Sure my Mama had dreams for me. She sure did. And me going through pain was not one of them? She was trying to steer me from pain, but then again, did she really see where she sent me? No, she did not know the other side of this coin called love. But I do.

My Mama has felt more emotions these days than in years gone by. And she can thank me. Yep, once she realizes what I have done for us, she will notice the pain subside. She will begin, or has already begun to feel better about me. Because now, as Paul Harvey would say, “She knows the rest of the story.”

And Mama’s and daughters should talk, and be able to talk about the hard stuff together. If Mama could not talk to me? Well, I spoke up her where she could take it in as slow as she needed, cuz she needed my 411 to realize how far her baby came, to come back home. She should now see what i had to wade through to keep following her pure light of love. Yes, she should and does see how much God loves her that God would send me home to tell her and show her the love of the child she thought she gave away forever. And that she loves her Mama enough to tell her the truth as I experienced it, from a child’s point of view trying to make sense of a very complicated idea.

I worked so hard to keep trying to see the silver lining and there was none. So, what went wrong for me and Mama? Well, Mama did not factor, not did Adoption, that I might have an opinion different than what Adoption deems the norm. Yeah, I saw it and many of my brothers and sister saw it differently and that is what  needs to change. Our mindset needs to change. And we must do better by every child born.

Was I a demon spawn? No. I was a child that was a product of an act. I was a gift who got a bad reputation from an act done to my Mama. And I paid the price for that. And had to grow up without her for the act that gave me this life of mine. And Mama can go on without me. I don’t want her too. But she can. And I will live on. I will have a part of me that mourns the loss of a Mama like her, yes. But I can manage that, I went so many years hiding this love of  mine for her. I can go on proclaiming it forever. Now that its all out in the open, I can truly. Be. Me. At last.

I owe my Mama nothing, but to love her.

Rom 13:8

Owe no man anything, but to love one another, for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.

I have fulfilled the law and love My Mama truly.

Thanks for showing up.

God bless

Stifled grief can give you grief if not confronted and processed.


This link is a good read for anyone coming out of the fog. Owning grief like Adoptees carry is a tough thing because it soon after relinquishment that folks don’t even get that we had grief. When also give Adoptees grief because no one even saw that we lost a thing. So sad.

so, what are you doing?

So? What are you doing? I mean really what are you doing with yourself? Do you go to work? Well, good. Do you help around the house? Well, good. Do you help in the community? Good. Do you help your neighbor, even if you don’t like them in particular? You do? Good. Now let me ask you this one? Do you help others that you don’t sometimes get or who look quite different than  you? Maybe they look dirty? Or have  no permanent home? Maybe they drink, because they have lost someone, or everything? Do you help them?

Now, about now, your thinking either yes, or no. For you yes people, I am most proud of you, and want to encourage you to keep doing what you are doing, you make a difference in the people, God send to you for help. You most likely needed help at one time and received it. Most who help like this have lost something and had someone step up to supply it to them and benefited from such a gesture. They call it paying forward. You are the few, and I honor you for your service. Always remember, you are seen by the one you call your God, whatever the name you use, God, or your name, hear you. God sees what you do, and has spoken to me at length about it. For, I listened.

I don’t know how God talks to you, but God talks to me about people and about how we do things to practice his words. How we worship people and yet don’t practice his words, daily. To night I took a woman in who would be on the street, if I had not stepped up to her aid. And Jesus is in her, and she is one of the least of these my sisters, on the street of my home town!! Imagine my horror when I learned the pastor I called was out of town and no one would take her in? Imagine when I called the Police Dept, and was given no name to send her too for a warm bed to sleep in and some food and conversation?

So, being me. I took her home with me, to the garage, where I am sleeping because there are only two rooms available in this house. I could sleep in the house in a twin bed in the same room with my son, but he need space and so do I. I kind of like it for now, until the house sells. I am on divorce number three. Guess I just wear them out? I am a tough one. I don’t hide that fact. And I figure if we can’t make it , we never would. I mean its either it, or not. If he walks away, well, believe him. I don’t chase. I show up and work hard for what I want, you walk. Well, thank you for making room for another to step up.

So, what are you doing for the Lord these days? Oh, you went to church and threw some cash into the offering? Your banking on God to do the work needed? You’ve done your part? Um, yeah, ahh, no, your not done honey bun/bud. Like you go to church sweet pea and you bear Gods name and KNOW HIS WORD! And you best read again. Yep, right now, open that dusty thing off and drink the medicine honey. And then, get to stepping. And begin to practice that shit. I mean you not just suppose to drink from the fountain and sleep it off.

What good is a good word if not shared and practiced. Does it not say a Workman who need not be ashamed? A workman studied, approved? Is this is? Are we just supposed to drink from a fountain and not make sure it is pure and clean for all to drink? What is our purpose here? Are we not reaching back to eden? How do we get there and leave our brother and sister on the street cold? How do we succeed in this? What is the benefit to leave other cold and alone? What about the Good Samaritan? Each church should have a good Samaritan fund and each member should practice being that Good Samaritan.

Fear is not of God! God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. Do we believe what we hear? Or has the world overtake the voice of Gods word? Have we forgotten or taken leave of our senses? Have we lost our minds? Have we forgotten to Give and it shall be given unto thee, pressed down and shaken over, shall men give unto your bosom. What is going on here? What has happened to Gods people?Which is all of us? Like hello? We each matter deeply to our Source, God, whatever you call it, him, her. That same spirit is in each of us. Each of us. If you see a devil, its in you.

Get straight about it.

Lord, I lift up the people on this planet and issue a intention, a prayer. I call us back to the word and I call us back to source energy. I call us back to each other and remind each person that we all are connected and without us all, we fail, we collapse. Hello! It is a ball we live in, a cell, and we all matter here. That is the point here. Not all this wars and whatever. That is just so what in the sense of why are we analyzing static. Static is what we don’t want. Like what do we all want? Tantrums don’t work? Bombs don’t work? Guns are not working if you can see? What do we all need to DO about it? Maybe being a Good Samaritan is the way?

If we were kinder to folks, and helped out like our Mama’s taught us to, the world would be a better place. I mean all I have is a twin mattress and a floor with blankets and a Mama that lets me help people like this. But I have been like this forever. I brought people home for help. And she gave it. She did not always like it? But she honored me for doing it anyway and helped me. She fed my new friend tonight. And I am grateful for a woman like that, no matter how crazy she might seem at times, her heart it true to the practicing of her preacher daughter.

So, the next time you have it within your power to DO something. Remember fear is not of God. And follow the leading of God, give, and it will be given unto you, pressed down, shatter and running over, shall men give unto your bosom. I live my life by this and see great results!!!

Let God use your hands to be the healing for others and see God heal you. xo

Cast your net wide. We are fishers of men are we not?


It’ s so damn fun…when

It is just so damn fun being Adopted.

It is so damn fun being privately adopted, and coming home to a woman that never told a soul about your existence and dealing with it.

Its so fun being Adopted and trying to be the best  Adoptee you can, and failing because no one really wants to be adopted. Its kind of a death of sorts and a trying to go on as though your hearts not ripped out kind of thing.

It is so fun being an Adopted woman, trying to be a Mom when her own Mama left her with such big whole in her heart, and pouring the pain on your own children, trying to make them see how hard it is to see them getting to be kept by you. Its rough seeing your children get what you did not get yourself. Its conflicted and twisted and you are so happy you could keep your kids and yet so sad, you yourself will never know what that feels like.

Its so fun being Adopted and having your family wish you did not tell anyone you are Adopted. I just love that one. Its so fun trying to be what they labeled you and having people tell you not to fly you freak flag. Yep, so fun.

Its soo fun being Adopted and having your kids tell you to get over it, when they never had too, thanks to you. So fun.

It is so fun to be Adopted and to work up the courage to call home, to go home, to search for Mama, and have her just turn you away again and again and again. Love it.

Its so fun being Adopted, love the label, so loving and of course no confusion there? NONE.

I just love being an Adoptee, and having to deal with your children, that you kept and spared from the pain of really knowing how you feel,  just to have them reject you too and abandon you at the instructions of the woman who rejected you so long ago. Its Just so fun.

Its so fun being Adopted and having folks misunderstand you. I love writing here and being misunderstood. I just love the lack of support from a family that so wanted me and so wanted me gone. So fun.

I just love being Adopted and coming out of the fog to find, I am alone again. I stand alone and cry because no one seems to get me, or what I am saying.

Its so fun being Adopted and holding it in for so long that when it all comes out it just makes a  mess, and those your trying to reach turn away, and leave you there, as a shame on you for even trying to open up and find peace from it all.

I love being Adopted and finding my bio family, I love calling my family a bio family, not. So nice coming home to a family that gets me and has of course read up on Adoption and is ready for me. so nice.

I love being called Adopted and then told its just like everyone else, except that everyone else is not called Adopted and has no need to explain why they are.

Its just so damn fun being Adopted and having your children act like your insane, disabled, a weirdo, wish you would shut up and move on, treat you like shit, disrespect you by leaving you and hurting you again and again by being so entitled to treat you like that because they have no idea what you feel like, because their own Mama, (you) kept them and tried to do her best.

I love being Adopted and being a MOM of now two woman and trying to be the best Mama in the world just to find that the game is rigged and you never will ever be a good Mama because your Mama left and cut your heart into pieces, and the one she gave you to had no clue as to what that even did to you. Lovely.

Its just so damn fun to find out that you suck. After thinking you didn’t. Its so fun when you kids tell you the truth with a slammed door in the face. I love sucking. So fun.

Its just so fun when you want your family back so bad you can taste it, to find out your just delusional and insane to even want them back .

Its so fun being Adopted, your sisters will never want you.

Its so fun being Adopted, your Mama doesn’t want you.

Its just so damn fun being Adopted!


Praise God I am adopted. Surely God loves me so much that he made my Mama Adopt me out!




Thank you Jesus! I am so happy to be an American Adoptee that was separated from my family never to be reunited again for real… It was just a joke on me.

Even Cambodia is better at reunions and cares.